MCSWEENEY’S

In the days following my return from the hospital, I have gained agility, speed, and mass. I feel physically better postpartum than I have ever felt in my entire life. I didn’t just bounce back—I double-bounced, and then snapped all the way back around again.

1. You have two children, ages two and five. You must take them to the dentist at 10 a.m. tomorrow, which is five miles from home, and you’ll be driving at thirty miles per hour. When should you start getting your children ready to leave?

“Rather than tilting at a windmill, the proper procedure would be for Don Quixote to file suit to abolish all windmills, ideally in the Fifth Circuit.”

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

Step 1: The Problem
I’ve been reborn. My estrogen patch restored my sleep, energy, and hair back to age twenty-two. Time to reverse-age my wardrobe.

“President Trump has claimed he ‘aced’ all three cognitive tests administered to him during his first and second presidencies. The commander-in-chief further claimed that no president has ever taken part in a similar exercise when he spoke on his mental acuity at the White House Monday.” — The Independent

1. Conga. It literally cannot get better than this.

2. Assembly. It’s not glamorous, but hot damn is it effective.

3. Waist. Awooooga!

4. Jaw. Hubba Hubba!

5. Hair. Yowie!

6. Blood. Define your legacy.

7. On. How you’re reading this, probably.

8. Shore. She sells seashells here.

9. Under. A little bench for your letters.

10. Time. 2026: read this list, 2030: millionaire.

11. Life. I like “phone a friend.”

12. Bottom. Understand, bub? Читать дальше...

“More than 1 in 4 [students at University of Maine at Presque Isle’s online MyPace program] finished their entire degree course load in a single eight-week session, half the length of a traditional academic semester.” — The Washington Post

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With warmth, humor, and occasional run-ins with bodily fluids, science journalist (and frequent McSweeney’s contributor) Elizabeth Preston leads a highly accessible tour of cutting-edge research into how and why other animals and humans care for their young. She discovers that we evolved to raise our kids in cooperative groups, and that the tools we’ve inherited for caretaking aren’t only for moms or dads—they’re the basis for our human society.

Today, we’re happy to share an excerpt from The Creatures’ Guide to Caring... Читать дальше...

At 9:03 a.m., Ms. Delgado makes the mistake of asking the class what their parents do for work.