Job Posting: Team Leader for the Maccabees

About The Job

The Maccabees are a small, start-up militia charged with defending the holy temple from the invading Greek army. Our rockstar candidate should be a motivated, goal-oriented self-starter, because we don’t have the bandwidth or manpower for micromanaging.

You’ll be leading a team of five employees meant to maintain stability and longevity while upholding the core values and integrity of the overall organization. It should be noted that there have been several hostile takeover attempts, and we do not expect them to cease anytime soon. So, if a fast-paced, high-stakes environment is not for you, this may not be a great fit.

Along with heading the group and taking ownership of accomplishments, this is not purely a managerial oversight role, as you will be working with your team to ensure streamlined efficiency in operations. This is not a sit-by-and-run things job; you’ll need to be right there with your team, in the trenches, for what may or may not end up lasting eight workdays.

And just to note, the project you will be primarily working on requires a team of thousands, but no, you can not have a larger workforce; you will be given these five brothers to work with. That’s it.

NOTE: Your team does not work on Saturdays, and you might be paid in chocolate money.

Requirements

Multilingual is preferred, as we mostly speak Greek, but your team, in particular, speaks the ancient language of their ancestors. But then they also sometimes speak a dialect that’s like a mix of Hebrew, German, Polish, Russian, and some stuff I think they make up as they go along. We’re not sure if it’s even a real language at this point, but in any event, we’d love our candidate to be fluent in all three.

Proficiency with Slack, Teams, Discord, Rocket Chat, Google Chat, the Zoom chat function, Ring, Hive, AIM (just in case), and Pumble—we use all of them simultaneously. It’s super annoying.

Are you good at spinning tops? This is not a requirement per se, but in terms of team building, it will help you acclimate to the work culture. We play a top-spinning game. A lot.

A higher-education degree is preferable but not necessarily required if real-world experience can be demonstrated. This is an entry-level position, so we would also love about ten to fifteen years of previous experience.

Other Details

As stated earlier, you will most certainly be paid in chocolate money. We’d love to pay in human money, but we’ve been locked in this synagogue fending off the king’s military for a WHILE.

Sick days, vacation time, and discretionary days are limited at the moment but negotiable if we survive.

Start date is right now. Literally, this second. Please come help us.

This is not a remote position; you’ll have to be on-site for all work days.

Featured Benefits

• You get to see that famous wall
• Competitive 401K
• This mini candelabra you can take home and put in the window on display. Nothing bad will ever happen if you display it on your property—we promise

We appreciate you taking the time to view our posting and look forward to connecting soon. Please send us your LinkedIn, a résumé, a cover letter, a letter of intent, a CV, a personal bio, a video introduction, your transcripts, contact info for any relevant internships, any military experience (combat and strategy), and most importantly, let us know how good you are with lighting oil lamps.