Voters of America as Explained by Their Pants

Cat-Hair-Covered Yoga Pants: Voted for Harris

Toupee-Hair-Covered Suit Pants: Voted for Trump

Bear-Hair-Covered Vintage L.L.Bean Board Shorts: Wrote in “RFK Jr. + The Worm”

Pants Worn Only Every Four Years That Were Bought by Someone Else: Voted for Jill Stein

Frayed Corduroys That Nobody Wants or Needs: Voted for Cornel West

Fair-Trade, Ethically Sourced Cotton Trousers: Did not vote in protest

Novelty Pajama Bottoms with Weed Motif: Forgot to vote

Wasn’t Sure Which Pants to Wear: Did not vote because busy giving interview to New York Times about being undecided

Pink Capri Pants: Told husband she voted for Trump but voted for Harris

Blue Capri Pants: Told husband he voted for Harris but voted for Trump

Black-Belted Denim That Barely Covers Pale White Belly: Voted for Trump but only because he gave him $75 million after destroying Twitter

Red, White, and Blue Bodybuilding Pants: Duh

Tactical Ripstop Pants with Zip Ties in Pocket: Double Duh

Sweatpants That Say I’M VOTING FOR THE FELON: Not allowed to vote due to wearing “electioneering” clothing

Sweatpants That Say ORANGE LIVES MATTER: Not allowed to vote due to wearing something so fucking stupid

Modest Full-Length Skirt So Jesus Can’t See Ankles: Voted for JD Vance

Khakis Bought at Macy’s in an Effort to Look Like a Totally Normal Person, After Telling Sales Clerk to Give Her Job to a Man and Go Birth a Bunch of Babies: Is JD Vance

Snow Pants with Tater Tot Hotdish Stain: Voted for Tim Walz

Snow Pants with Tater Tot Hotdish Stain: Is Tim Walz

Wrangler Jeans with Ivermectin Stain: Voted for Trump

Blue Suit Pants with Ketchup Stain: Is Trump

Tan Suit Pants the Color of a Coconut: Voted for Harris

Tan Suit Pants the Color of a Coconut That Will Soon Be on Stage Celebrating a Victory for Democracy: Is Harris