Why Kamala Harris Must Secure the Endorsement of Sabnock, the Great Marquis of Hell

With America more politically polarized than any time since the Civil War, the most important issue facing the next president is figuring out how to heal our divided nation. Vice President Harris is undoubtedly the candidate most likely to bring our country together, but she will need to build a bipartisan coalition to do so. In September, the Harris-Waltz ticket earned a crucial new supporter: former Vice President Dick Cheney. While Cheney’s endorsement goes a long way in helping Democrats win over Halliburton diehards and torture connoisseurs, there is one endorsement that will almost certainly put her over the top: that of the demon Sabnock, the Great Marquis of Hell.

Despite being a staunch Republican, Sabnock, according to reports of recent proclamations made to his faithful army of cursed souls, appears to be wavering in his support for the party, and could be made to understand the unique threat to democracy that Donald Trump presents. With the help of the fifty legions at Sabnock’s command, Kamala Harris would be assured victory, lest the people of Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Georgia suffer the consequences for a thousand lifetimes. These legions of demons can assist in reigning hellfire upon those who oppose Kamala Harris, filling their wounds with worms and making them regret for eternity their foolish ways, all in the name of preserving democracy.

While the vice president and the Great Marquis of Hell do not see eye-to-eye on every issue (Harris, for instance, supports a woman’s right to choose while Sabnock wishes to incinerate all women and enslave their souls), they are completely aligned on other issues, such as immigration and foreign policy. Seeing Sabnock, with his body of a man and head of a lion, next to Kamala Harris and Tim Waltz on the campaign trail, would help inspire the nation to finally come together and heal. Their act of unity would demonstrate to the American people that regardless of race, sex, or creed, it is our basic decency as human beings and/or cursed angels damned by God that unites us.

Sabnock’s presence would undoubtedly assist Democrats in projecting strength and gravitas and could also help them project Kamala Harris’s voice through the mouths of every fly within a five-thousand-mile radius. This unlikely coalition, however, would not only benefit Harris and her campaign, but with his extensive military and ruling experience, a cabinet seat would almost certainly be on the table for Sabnock. Come January, we could potentially see the first woman sworn in as president, and the twenty-ninth demon sworn in as secretary of defense.

While Gallup polling shows that 72 percent of Democrats support a Medicare-for-All-style government-run health plan, and more than half of all Americans (including 83 percent of Dems) support a permanent ceasefire in Gaza, preliminary polling indicates that 100 percent of mortals will bow before the awesome power of Sabnock or burn in both this world and the next. This endorsement will likely require some compromise from Harris and her staff as they work to make their party’s platform amenable to the nobleman from Hell. For instance, Sabnock’s legions will need to be fed the souls of the innocent, something Harris’s team should be able to accommodate, but he is also vehemently opposed to fracking, which he views as theft from the underworld, and that change may be trickier for many of Harris’s donors to stomach.

Left-wing critics of Harris have noted the absence of abolishing the death penalty from the Democratic party platform for the first time in a decade. This change, detractors fail to realize, is due to Harris’s awareness that death is not the end of punishment or suffering, and that there are larger gains to be won if we work to find compromise with the demons of the afterlife. While naive voters rally in the streets and threaten to withhold their vote until the Democrats adapt a more humane foreign policy strategy, Vice President Harris must continue to tune out the noise and focus on the important work of courting the support of Hell’s most fearsome beasts.