I Am the School Custodian in Charge of Classroom Litter Boxes. Ask Me Anything

Hello, I’m Carl, the custodian in charge of maintaining the litter box in your child’s public school classroom. Ask me anything.

Are there actual litter boxes in my child’s classrooms for student use?
Yes, we keep them there to support the needs of our youths who identify as a “furry.” Although we don’t discriminate, any child is welcome to lighten their load in front of the class as they see fit.

What about classmates who aren’t furries?
They will be soon enough, thanks to our dedicated librarians.

Who authorized this?
This inclusivity program came straight from our school board, composed of city-born liberal elites. It’s funny; they may all SEEM like local conservative business owners who sought election purely to fuel their own fragile egos. But they’re actually secret Democrat operatives sent to infiltrate our community with their extreme leftist agendas.

Why are the teachers going along with this?
That’s the great thing about teachers: they do anything the union tells them to. Fun fact: Teacher’s unions are actually a front for Chinese spies operating in the US to destabilize Western democracy. Kind of like TikTok but with more mandatory meetings.

And you personally scoop the… you know?
Yes. I’ve been doing it proudly since the beginning of the Obama administration.

How are you okay with this as your job?
I, like all small-town public school custodians, am a proud liberal Democrat. And like all Democrats, I exist only as part of a tribalistic hive mind and blindly follow the will of my masters when it’s beamed into the 5G chip from my COVID vaccine. It’s so much better than the old days when I had to use my copy of The Communist Manifesto to decode the message hidden in every broadcast by Rachel Maddow.

All right, I’ll play along. Why aren’t the litter boxes in the bathrooms?
The previously aggressively labeled “boys” bathroom is now a gender-neutral “relief space” that’s mainly a series of troughs, so there’s no more room on the floor. We thought about using the former “girls” room, but it’s now a shelter for illegal immigrants. They need a place to stay while they forge absentee ballots.

Is the box out in the open, or…?
Wide open. But there isn’t a privacy issue since all students have district-issued fur suits. Paid for by local school taxes, of course.

How is this sanitary?
Students are provided with printouts of the Pledge of Allegiance and loose pages of vintage Bibles to wipe with. It’s part of our effort to allow healthy expression of youthful resistance towards authority.

I’m pulling my student out of school—this is disgusting!
Sorry to hear that, but you won’t have any luck finding another school. My Marxist overlords have driven out all of the charter schools from the community using their vast wealth and shadowy influence. So you’re only left with homeschooling. Thanks to high taxes caused by excessive pork barrel spending on federal social programs, you and your wife have no choice but to both work full-time jobs so we’re free to corrupt your children according to our most wicked desires.

The Democrats are too powerful! How am I, a red-blooded conservative American, supposed to exist in such a cruel world?
Only one golden savior among your number can provide salvation from our nefarious schemes. Although his power and virility terrify us, we are close to crippling his political influence using an unending torrent of baseless witch hunts targeting crimes we full well know were committed by Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, and Kamala Harris. Once you see federally mandated litter boxes in every Chick-fil-A, you’ll know we’ve won.