I Can’t Wait Until I Turn Fifty and Morph into a Lizard Person

“It’s a little crazy, by the way—especially for women that are like past 50. I’m thinking to myself: I don’t think that’s an issue for you.” — Bernie Moreno, Republican candidate for Senate in Ohio, speaking about women’s concern over abortion rights.

As a forty-nine-year-old woman, I worry about a lot of issues: threats to our democracy, the changing climate, and, of course, abortion rights. That’s why I can’t wait for my birthday when—like all women who reach the age of fifty—I will naturally morph into an unfeeling, cold-blooded lizard being.

As a lizard being, why would I care about human issues? None of them will impact me personally as I hang around by the compost bin snacking on fruit flies. Is democracy under threat? That sounds like a human people problem to me. Lizard people are free to hide under a warm rock and take a nap. Will there be violence after the election? In my new lizard form, even if I’m climbing a stone wall in plain sight, no one will notice me due to my amazing camouflage.

Have you ever wondered why women over fifty have become invisible? It’s not because society no longer values them; it’s because they’ve changed into superior lizard beings who can smell misogyny with their tongues and then wedge themselves into a tight crevice until the threat passes.

As a human woman, I care a great deal about global warming. Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying about how climate change will impact the future of our species. How will we survive the increasingly brutal heat? That’s why my birthday can’t get here soon enough. In just one month, I’ll be a heat-worshiping reptile who will only grow stronger as the days get hotter. Climate worries? Not anymore, I will shed those, just like I will regularly shed my lizard skin and eat it.

But it’s not my birthday yet, and as a human woman, even though I’m past menopause, the erosion of reproductive rights in this country is still incredibly distressing. I know what it’s like to have a complicated pregnancy and need to make difficult decisions along with my doctor. I can easily understand how devastating and dangerous it is to deny women this basic right. I also understand how important reproductive rights are, simply because I’m a baseline decent human being who cares about the well-being of other people.

But of course, after I turn fifty and enter my reptilian era, abortion rights won’t be an issue for me at all. Once I’m living that sweet lizard life, I’ll bury all those cares in the sand and scurry away, much like I will bury my eggs in the sand and scurry away without ever seeing the hatchlings they produce. That’s right, I’ll enjoy the same kind of freedom as a human deadbeat dad.

I can’t wait to hang out with my fellow reptile sisters. You may not notice us very often, but we’re everywhere—perhaps even in your own backyard. And even though we’re practically invisible, dried-up old reptiles who can no longer give birth to human babies, we still vote.