Last-Minute Changes to My Forthcoming Political Memoir

All of us must play a part in lowering our nation’s political temperature. So I applaud Project 2025 mastermind Kevin Roberts for postponing publication to rewrite and tone down the violent rhetoric in his forthcoming memoir, Dawn’s Early Light: Burning Down Washington to Save America (with a foreword by JD Vance), I’ve decided to follow his lead by making similar edits to my forthcoming book, ROCKET’S RED GLARE: Embracing the Cleansing Fire of Patriotism That Will Burn Our Modern-Day Sodom to the Ground So That a New America Can Rise from the Ashes.

Because my memoir was sent to reviewers in its original form, then excerpted online (often out of context) to widespread and vociferous backlash, my publisher has asked that I publicly endorse these new revisions to show that I am “on board” and to “indemnify them” in case of what they described as “a 150 percent chance of litigation.”

I approve of all these changes, is something I’m contractually obligated to say here.

Here is how the new version of the book will differ from the original:

• The cover art will no longer depict a bald eagle getting decapitated by a red-white-and-blue guillotine, with the bald eagle’s head flying through the air on a geyser of blood. It will now just be the bald eagle in the guillotine with the blade looming above its head to indicate the “potential danger” of our stolen freedoms without depicting “actual violence.” I pushed to at least have the blade like 60-70 percent of the way down towards slicing off the head, but no dice. According to the lawyers, it can only be “looming.”¹

• The previous dedication, “To all the haters who want to tear down America—if you’re too stupid to read this book, I’d be happy to come to your house and cram it, page by page, down your stupid throats!” will now read, “To Sophie.”

• The original title, ROCKET’S RED GLARE: Embracing the Cleansing Fire of Patriotism That Will Burn Our Modern-Day Sodom to the Ground So That a New America Can Rise from the Ashes, will be changed to PURPLE MOUNTAIN MAJESTIES: The Humble Patriot Who Brought Our Nation Together When No One Else Could Using Empathy and Humility and All That Stuff.

• The byline will no longer include the text, “Dictated to the author by God.” (The illustration of God whispering into my ear will also be removed.)

• Hulk Hogan will no longer read the audiobook; it will now be read by Kevin Sorbo.

• The blurb praising me on the back of the book, “’The best sex I ever had!’ — Your Mom” has been removed.

• The book’s inside back cover will no longer include a leather sheath holding your very own Patriotic Boot Dagger. It will now hold a small American flag on a stick.²

• The two-page color illustration in the middle of the book will no longer depict Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi masturbating onto the Constitution. It will now be a recipe for a heart-smart zucchini bread.

• The map showing you how to sneak into the White House has been removed.

• My call for a “Second Revolutionary War” has been removed.

• My call for a “Second Civil War” has been removed.

• My call for a “Second World War” has been removed, as I’ve since been informed that it has already happened.

• My call for all women to fulfill their biological imperative of procreation has been replaced with a guide to getting a vasectomy.³

• The photo on the About The Author page will no longer be me pissing into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. The new photo will be of me and Mike Lindell at a Fuddruckers.

• The last line of the book will no longer be, “Burn it all down, burn it, let it burn, let it burn, burn, burn, and we will all dance together around the flames atop the skulls and bones of infidels, as America rises into a new dawn like a bloodthirsty phoenix of Truth, plunging its razor-sharp beak into the crimson-red jugular of Freedom.” The new last line will now be: “We will all dance together into a new dawn of Freedom.”

• The final page of the book will no longer be a 3-D pop-out of a hand giving the middle finger. It will now be a peace sign or some shit like that.

¹ To address the ugly online rumors that “a dozen bald eagles were killed” for that photo shoot, that is just another mainstream media lie. It was only eight eagles, and they died as heroes.

² My suggestion that the bottom of the stick should at least be sharpened into a spear has also been vetoed by the publisher. So, yeah… it’s just a plain old flag now.

³ This revision was suggested by my wife, Sophie.