Way to Go, You Just Blew Up Our Death Star, the Largest Walkable Community in the Galaxy

No, no, great job, you disintegrated our Death Star, the first-ever pedestrian-only planet. You drove a million miles just to ruin a perfectly lovely living space.

Just admit you were jealous of our commute and hated the idea of us enjoying a holistic work-life-play housing concept optimized to balance labor and leisure.

You couldn’t bear to watch us walk with our friends to work or see us enjoy the bonding comforts of a carefully designed, open-plan, living-first colony. It’s honestly sad.

Coming in your massive, individual vehicles—not a single one of you carpooled. It’s classic rebel exceptionalism.

What were you so mad about, anyway? We were exclusively blowing up planets without protected bike lanes or recessed pedestrian crossings. Those people were already 75 percent more likely to die in pedestrian-related accidents.

“That’s no moon.” Yeah, no shit. We had a fully internalized pneumatic trash system, which we know you guys broke, by the way. Floor-to-ceiling windows, smart doors, vaulted ceilings, and housing for two million people.

I mean, it’s true, we did have one crucial weakness, but it wasn’t what you think. And blowing the whole thing up wasn’t going to help finish our self-sustaining greenhouse complex.

But I hope you enjoy the vacuous sprawl you call a Republic. Just try to ignore the fact that dozens of people die each year jumping from one flying car down to another. Not to mention the horrifying number of speeders that run into trees.

You have to do a bit of self-reflection and realize your lifestyle isn’t sustainable. Aren’t you starting to think you might be overusing hyperspace for convenience?

Efficiency aside, constant long-haul trips from planet to planet can’t be enjoyable for anyone involved. It’s got to get confusing to keep track of what world you’re on and what exactly you’re there to do.

Whatever, we’re not going to let you suppress the progress of our growing empire of walkers. We’ll just build another boundary-pushing community and hope that you learn to accept the new order.