Benjamin 'Coach' Wade Says 'Survivor' 'Scarred' Him — Then He Came Back for Season 50 (Exclusive)

For years, Benjamin "Coach" Wade has been regarded in the Survivor universe as a larger-than-life presence whose talk of honor, integrity, and self-mythologizing made him one of the franchise's most memorable players. But behind the persona, Wade, 54, says the experience left deeper wounds than viewers ever saw.

In the 15 years since his last appearance on Survivor: South Pacific, the Tennessee native says Survivor impacted his personal life, professional reputation, and sense of self in ways that lingered long after the cameras stopped rolling.

That distance, Wade explains, ultimately reshaped how he sees both the game and himself. Now older, he sees competing on the milestone Survivor 50 as an opportunity to play differently.

When Men’s Journal spoke with Wade on set in Fiji ahead of the season, he opened up about why he finally said yes to returning, how Survivor “scarred” him in ways fans may not realize, and why Season 50 felt like the right moment to step back into the spotlight.

Below, Wade discusses his evolution as a player, the emotional cost of the game, how he plans to navigate a cast split between old-school legends and new-era competitors, and what he ultimately hopes to take away from his return — win or lose.

Men’s Journal: So have you been doing some Tai Chi at Ponderosa?

Coach Wade: Yeah. I'm always doing that. Absolutely, although it's Coach Chi. Did you know that? This is actually not Tai Chi. See, back when I first did it, I was telling people what it was. And it's like Bruce Lee's muscle, like, flex this, flex that, and it's breathing, and it's meditation, and it's the point of critical execution, where you're thinking pass/fail in your brain, and then a little bit Qigong, and on top of that, some Tai Chi. So it's all of that rolled into one, and that's what people nicknamed it.

Men’s Journal: So speaking of, you haven't played in a minute. What made you say yes? Has this been something you wanted to do for a while?

Coach Wade: Neither really. I mean, they've been trying to get me back for a long time. I'm just like, I don't need it. [The Survivor doctor] said something really cool when I was going through the psych testing. She was like, you know, we're all hoping you come back and you say yes. She was like, you don't need Survivor, but we need you. I try to evolve. I think Survivor's given me a great gift by looking in the mirror and saying, okay, that arrogant ass in the beginning. Am I really that? If I am, then I want to change, and I want to continue to work on that. I'm in a much different place now than I was even the last time I played. I'm in a much different spot. And so it dawned on me when I got the call. I said, you know what, I'm mugging around. You're calling 200 people, call me when you're really ready to ask. But right up to the moment that they asked me, I didn't know if I was gonna say yes. And then a couple of things kind of shifted. Three things actually.

Number one, probably something that I would regret. And that pain of regret, that's one of the most powerful emotions that we can feel. It gnaws at our subconscious, whispering lies to us. You could have. You should have. I usually don't have regret about things in life. But I thought, you know, there's going to be the pain of regret. The world can be a dark place, and I love my life, and I wake up every morning wildly happy to be alive. And I want to share that joy, and I want to share those fundamental truths that I've learned in the last 14 years with people, if they'll listen. And then the third thing is...I said, I just can't leave my kids. They're 8, 11, and 16. I don't want to miss out on that time. We'll never get that time back. And [a friend was] like, your kids need to chop it up a little bit. A funny story. The last day that I was leaving, I was talking to my son and said you're the man of the house. My wife, she owns a really big dance studio. She got 250 kids in her dance, and this is a town of 9,000 people, and she's got 250 kids. Awesome studio. But, I mean, I'm the guy that cooks every meal. I shop all the time. I have French toast on Mondays, waffles on Tuesdays, cereal on Wednesdays. I'm reading bedtime stories. You know, that's the guy that I am, and I love it. And it's going to be reflected in the game if I make it long enough.

So it was the last morning, and I was like, okay, this is the schedule. When the kids wake up, you need to be there to look in their eyes, make sure that they're walking with joy. This is what I do every morning. And then here's how I'm making the pancakes. And then also, here's your mother's coffee. It's a latte. This is how much milk you put in. You fill it up to the line. And then I was like, this is absurd, man, f--king coddling you guys. And it was great confirmation, actually. I thought it was gonna be a mess, and I'm sure in the game you're gonna see that emotional side of me, missing my family. I thought I was gonna be a wreck. And actually, that was a great last moment of the universe saying, okay, this is gonna be great for them for five weeks to be on their own and you not sitting there catering to their every whim. I don't know how my wife's latte is this morning. It probably wasn't as good as I used to make it.

Men’s Journal: Aren't they going to be excited to watch you on TV?

Coach Wade: You know, I come out here different than most people. I do not have that support at home. My mom hates the show. She's never seen it really. My father midway through the first season said, they're making a jackass out of my son on national TV. I'm not gonna watch it anymore. My kids haven't watched any of my seasons. My wife is just like, why? Nobody was excited about me coming out here. And I'll use that as fuel if I get there. The show's really hurt me. It f--ked my soccer career. I never coached in the NCAA after I went on Survivor. People thought I was a pathological liar...My reputation before I went on was spotless. It's done a lot of damage. The one person that was really excited when I got the call died in a head-on collision about three months ago. He was going to work in the morning, and he had been there for every life event in my life.

Men’s Journal: I'm so so sorry. Could this be healing maybe?

Coach Wade: Yeah, but it's for a higher purpose. It's not just for me. It's for people to know that life is about different things.

Men’s Journal: Do you feel like coming back, maybe some good can come out of this experience?

Coach Wade: I think it has changed. I'm referring to that first time. The first time you do anything, it's gonna scar you or empower you, I think. And I think it did both. I'm very much appreciative of the franchise for making me look like a human being my second time, and a guy that could play the game. My favorite comment is when people will say to me, "Didn't like it the first time, loved you the third." They saw that transformation. The evolution that is me. Chinese proverbs say that if a snake cannot shed its own skin, then it must die. And I think that the evolution of who we are as people is super critical. The man I was yesterday is not the man I want to be 10 years from now. And so that continual evolution, which I'm very grateful for, Survivor, like I said in the beginning, holding up that mirror and saying, who is this guy? I got a great bag of tricks this time around. I'm coming to win. I've never done that before. I've always come to this or that. I'm here to win. I'm here to play for my family. I'm playing for the honor my family, the integrity and the core values that I have now serving other people, instead of leading from the top. I want to incorporate that in my game, because that's what I do with my family all the time. I did ask my mom to pray before I came out here. She's an amazingly godly woman, and I always joke and say she's got this direct line. I just said, "Pray for longevity in my game," because the longer that I'm out there, not for me, for the glory that is the Dragon Slayer, but for the message that I want to have radiate from me with the people that I play with and the viewers there. I think that it could be a great winning combination.

Men’s Journal: Obviously the game's evolved a bit. Any worry there?

Coach Wade: Oh, no. Again, reference that Chinese proverb, there's inflexibility in trying to be flexible. So I'm going to see how it goes. I think that a winning strategy is this: You've got to be prepared to tell a few lies and then manipulate perception. I have told a few lies. I was a hypocrite. And I didn't just say, "Yeah, you know what, I friggin owned you, Ozzy. You should be voting a million dollars because you got your ass voted out five times. And I'm freaking owned this season from start to finish." But I didn't. I think in the right way, not pigeonholing myself into alliances, final three, final five. I got to get that verbiage out of my mouth. I got to take off my blinders when I come out here. I'm really good in real life, asserting loyalty. But here, it's just like blindness is sleeping blanket. Honor and integrity. I trust these people, and then they either don't vote for me at the end, or they vote my ass out. Expecting the unexpected, and aligning with people that are either on the outs or maybe that I would not normally align with. I mean, you look at this whole cast, and I'm a little bit saddened that there's six people from Season 1 to 32 or whatever. That's a sad thing, right? And it's so top heavy with these new players, 12 from 41 to 49 if I do my calculations correctly. I mean, in a way, I said yes, because Cirie [Fields] Ozzy, Colby, Stephenie [LaGrossa Kendrick], they're the same type of players that they always have been. I'm not. I'm going to be the one legend, because it takes multiple seasons, to form a legend. These they're going to be people walking off this beat, they're going to cement themselves as legends, for sure, after the season is done. Hopefully, I'll be a small part of that. But you look at people like, okay, here's Coach's alliance. What's the normal bag of tricks? Colby, honor and integrity. You won't hear those words for me out here. I hope I don't say those words. I'll tell people how I play and I'll play that way.

I don't walk around in my real life, like, "Guys, I'm telling you the truth." No. Anyway, so Colby, Jonathan [Young], Joe [Hunter]. By the way, thank you Joe. I walked into the season saying, "God, thank you for bringing Joe into this particular season to set the table, to review what I had once tried to do, and now accomplishing that in this season." That's the first thing I'm going to tell him that, he brought great value to the way I played the game. And so it set the table. Because if he hadn't done that, I don't think people would have been thinking at all about alliances or loyalty, and they would have just said, "Hey, this is the fun new era. Look at us, we're going to just backstab everybody." Joe, Stephenie, that's like, four plus five, day one alliances, get to the end just like last time, right? But I would be a fool to think that that's going to work again. So yes, I'm going to go for those players. 100 percent I'm going to go for those players. You got to go for those players.

But the wizards out there, the Aubrey [Bracco]'s, the Cirie's, the people like Charlie [Davis], somebody that is able to be somewhat loyal but also to be a really good strategizer. I've got to align myself with people like that, and so I plan on going outside the box. Winners don't scare me. Somebody like Dee [Valladares], somebody like Kyle [Fraser], they don't scare me. The only people that really scare me out here, and I've got to be careful, when I can start pushing. But the 49 players, because I am having flashbacks of Russell [Hantz]. We were at a severe disadvantage. I'm not saying that they play like Russell. They don't seem like they have the demeanor. Maybe Rizo [Velovic] slightly, but it's like, we were at a severe disadvantage for CBS to pull that crap on us. We didn't know Russell at all, and we asked him, and of course, he lied to us. He actually told me that he got in a fight at Tribal Council, and he got voted off because he...then he jumped over and tried to hit somebody, and that's why he was going, It's crazy, right? And I was stupid because I fell for it. I think my trust limit is going to be a lot. That threshold is going to be different than the past anyway. So the 49 players, I'm having flashbacks. It's like, we don't know them, but they know every one of us. We were at a severe disadvantage. They can't do new school, old school because there aren't enough of us in school. Even though I'm sure that's talked about. If these kids knew what kind of screen time I normally get on the season, they'd really be threatened by me. But hopefully I'm, like, the lovable wolf in sheep's clothing guy.

Men's Journal: Maybe they want their own nicknames. Maybe they want to work with you.

Coach Wade: I'm giving them nicknames. I've already got 10 picked out.

Men's Journal: Can you give me one?

Coach Wade: I probably will use eight of them. My favorite is the Tide Walker. I didn't go back to Arthurian legend, like, I tried to do something completely different. So this is based on mythology, some Japanese ancient tales of moonlight and sorrow like ghost tales based on some like Dungeons and Dragons stuff. I tried to go outside the box. So anyway, there's a Tide Walker. And the Tide Walker is good, neutral druid that is able to move through the flow of the tide. And whenever they reach an obstacle, they sink it gently. Could be me, actually.

Men's Journal: Do you usually wait to see...

Coach Wade: I usually don't, but I'm going to be fluid this time. And then when I sink somebody, it should be gently, but we'll see. You know, the Lantern Fox, the Mischievous Spirit in Japanese lore, that's somebody that says running around as a trickster, but they never really show their true face, and once you grab a hold of them, they disappear. I got all those kinds of things.

Men's Journal: I know you touched on Ozzy and Cirie a little bit. You've played with some of these players. Is that something that you're happy about it?

Coach Wade: Yeah, and I think that's a misconception because I know people are going to think, well, they played on the season together, so they're together. 48 together, 46 is together. And I think that there's validity in that. But I didn't play with these people. I mean, I rode Colby like a rag doll to the finish line. I didn't play with him. I never said two words to him. My man grabbed his balls as I was riding into the finish line by accident. But I didn't talk to him. Cirie, didn't say two words to her. I don't know these people. Ozzy, I f--king hated his guts. He cost me a million dollars, pure and simple. Those kids on the jury were absolutely poisoned. If they had been sequestered and nobody talked to anybody, I would have won 7-1, easily. They all told me that he came and poisoned them, and told him what a buffoon I was and a fool and a liar, and how I was a Christian man and didn't play like that. He completely f--ked me. So, somebody like that–can I be a big enough man to work with?

Men's Journal: I was gonna ask, can you put on a show?

Coach Wade: I can put on a show. I can dazzle the crowd. I'm a showman. I've been performing since I was 7 years old on the trumpet in front of audiences. That's why I love this game so much, because it's like the ultimate stage for me to get out and perform. I hate the challenges. I hate freaking sleeping out here. That was a past life of mine, kayaking around the world. I hate all that stuff, but I freaking love the camera because it's a place for me to perform. So, I don't know about the acting, but I mean, deception is unfortunately a necessary part of this game. But I can be a bigger man. I can forget about the past, and it depends on the vibe that I get from him.

Men's Journal: Have you gotten a vibe at Ponderosa at all?

Coach Wade: These people are scared stiff. What's wrong with these people? I'm trying to give like, little, subtle hints. They're not buying. Everybody's brainwashed. It's horrible. They're like, "I don't want to get kicked off." People were saying that, between you and I, weeks ago when the cast was secretly leaked, and people started calling people. What are they gonna do? I freaking took a walk in my hotel room the night after they took my phone. I left my hotel room. What are they gonna do? They're gonna kick me off? They ain't kicking me off of this season.

Yesterday, we were sitting in the tent for 12 hours. I was like, what the f--k? I can't believe you people are taking this. Has anybody ever come out and just run out of the tent? And the handler was like, "Shhh." And I was like, "I could tell a few stories if you guys want." And then finally, I got a chuckle out of everybody. But the handler was like, "Coach, we can't." I'm just like, oh my gosh. I mean, look, I don't really like Boston Rob [Mariano], I think he's kind of an egomaniac. But if he were here, he wouldn't stand for any of this s--t. He'd be talking the whole time, walking out of the tent. But I'm the only person that wants to break the rules. Everybody else is like a little do-gooder, new school. "I don't want to jeopardize my place in this game." F--k that, man. Since the day I lost to Sophie [Clarke], I started playing this game in case I ever said yes to come back. Every single interview I've ever done, "I can't win this game." I don't like most of these people. I mean, I live in Northern California. I hide up out there. I never go to any events. I will never go to events. I try to really just be reclusive, because I think it devalues who you are. If you become available to people, they're just gonna take advantage of that. And it's like, I set the tone right in the beginning when they call me for Blood vs. Water and they switch the date on me, I said, "Don't ever call me again." And that was kind of like the beginning of, yeah, I don't need this. This show is not my life. I am not identified with Survivor. I do not tell Survivor stories to my classes that I teach. I do not talk about it in my everyday life. Who cares? You want to see me on TV? Go watch Netflix. Like, who cares? This does not identify me in any way. When I come out here, I'll let it identify me while I'm out here, I don't need it.

Men's Journal: How do you feel, though, when, like, fans approach you and want to talk to you about Survivor?

Coach Wade: I think it is cool because I don't talk about it, so it's not stagnant. It actually is exciting to talk to people. And because I don't do a lot of traveling, then it's like, I just try to hide out up there. And when I do travel, my family gets a big kick out of it. My kids are the photographers, and I'm very generous to people when they ask for my time, because I know it's a really big deal. And I see how they're shaking and that excited about it. And it's just like, if that means that to them, then I want it to mean something to me. So I actually really value the fans and what they've meant for us to still be on the air after all these years.

Men's Journal: If for whatever reason you don't win the game, what do you want to get out of this experience this time around?

Coach Wade: I want to preach the meaning of life to people. You think about your time bank. When I say time bank, what you do when you wake up in the morning. And if you were to write down everything that you did, where is that time existing? You know, you put piece of salami in your vault at the bank, and 10 years later, it's going to be a rotten mess. And what most people are leaving in their time vault, in their bank these days, is rubbish, and that's first and foremost for me. I do want to win. I won't say I will win at all costs. I do want to cement the legacy, create an evolution of what I've done already and to touch people's lives. I mean, that's really why I first came out on Survivor in the first place.

The interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Related: Mike White Is Returning for 'Survivor 50' as a Reset — Not a Victory Lap (Exclusive)