Your October horoscopes

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

What’s up, my fellow wayward souls! I see you’re already searching for meaning and guidance because wow: new year, new you is already down the drain. Here’s your forecast over October, the month encompassing the 40% of fall quarter where we transition from “oh wow, it’s so great to see my friends again” to “all these people suck.” Here’s my parlay of the fates of the thousands/millions/twelve people who read past the first pop-up ad. 

Aries:

You will feel it in the breeze — a tingle in your skin. Every year, you know it comes in droves. Creeping. When you least expect, it seizes hold of you, and ruins your life — at least for three days. It’s the flu. Get vaccinated. Please.

Taurus

Avoid direct moonlight, shave, and stop lifting a leg to pee. Get it? Werewolf? Halloween? October? Whatever. I tried. Your fraternity is suspended. 

Gemini:

You came here to be pre-med. Now you’re playing Operation on your dorm’s power sockets with dining hall forks. 15 points for Gryffindor. 

Cancer:

For some reason, October is usually one of the hottest months in the Bay Area. You know who’s not feeling so hot? You. Don’t worry, your current biggest insecurity will fade … only to be replaced by another one. Something like the sound of your laugh. Something that you can just kinda sorta control. Something you’ll be hyper-vigilant of in perpetuity. You’re welcome.

Leo:

May thy Snapstreaks chip and shatter. 

Virgo:

Lemme guess — dining hall food hasn’t been cutting it. Crack open the fire detector in your room and swallow the little radioactive bit. It’s covered in foil and goes down pretty smooth. 

Libra:

The image-obsessive Stanford Daily prevents me from writing or even alluding to any Tylenol jokes. If you have a fever while pregnant, drink and smoke. 

Scorpio:

The ants living under your skin are invoking squatters’ rights. Drink more water and get some sunlight. 

Sagittarius:

Your future husband just posted “M4F” with a shirtless pic on Fizz.

Capricorn:

Why are there so many of these star signs??? Damn. This one sounds like candy corn. Candy corn, bugle horn, unicorn. Lakers in 5.

Aquarius:

Campus needs fewer working toilets. Do your part. 

Pisces:

Alright, champ, it’s all tied up heading into the final round. I need you to leave everything out there. Forget about the soreness. Forget about the cuts and bruises. This is for everything, kid. If this doesn’t go through, I’m gonna be in financial ruin!

I know it feels like Normandy and you’re sitting first chair in the Omaha Beach symphony, but you can power through. 

Listen, don’t do it for you — do it for me. I know you won’t be able to have kids after that shot to the nards in the 3rd round, but, believe me, being a parent is the role of a lifetime. I’d do anything for my daughter. In fact, I did. Princess wanted a pony, and I bought one without checking the price tag.

Buttercup is bankrupting me. You ever wonder why I made you steal all that hay and carry those buckets of water from the neighbor’s pool? What? No — I wasn’t Karate Kid-ing you??? That whole movie is based on stereotypical tropes anyway. If I don’t make a whole lot of money in a short time, I’m gonna have to “Old Yeller” Buttercup. And that’s coming down to you now. 

I’m sorry the odds are all against you, I’m sorry I got you into this situation, and I’m sorry I didn’t prepare you in the slightest. But if you don’t pull through, “My Little Pony” is getting “Colberted,” and my daughter will never forgive me. Please, champ! Go out there, bite down on your mouth guard, smile, shake their hand and crush this final round interview! Get that offer, negotiate up the signing bonus and save my marriage!

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