How To Survive A Horror Movie (Would You Make It To The End?)

Much like surviving a teen drama TV show, horror films operate on their own special set of rules and principles.

One wrong step to the left… Stab! You’re dead. One awkward jerk to the right… Chop! There goes your head. But don’t worry, we have put together the ultimate horror movie survival guide for you to navigate a world of ghouls, goblins, supernatural killers, and ordinary men. Follow these steps and you might just make it to the inevitable sequel.

Don’t answer the phone

If you think about it, a lot of classic horror movies look dated in the 21st century – especially with the whole killer phoning you thing. Nowadays, who answers their phone when it rings? Pretty much no one. If it isn’t a telemarketer trying to punt you insurance you don’t need, it’s usually a wrong number, prank caller, or a serial killer like Ghostface trying to harass you. The point is: Just ignore your phone – full stop. Heck, even social media sucks nowadays, so there’s no reason to be glued to the screen all the time.

Don’t enter dark rooms

You would think this would be a no-brainer, but it appears as if every horror film features a scene where someone walks into a dark room where they either don’t turn on the lights or the power is off completely. Without fail, they walk into a dangerous scenario. Now, here’s a basic survival instinct that everyone should adhere to: Don’t do it, because it’s a trap! Horror movie monsters love to lurk in the shadows. It’s like you can feel their giddiness watching their prey fumble through the darkness, bumping into random objects, then BOOM! They get their throat slashed. No, no, no! If you step into a dark zone, turn around and head back toward the light immediately. Anyone who has ever played the Resident Evil video games will know this lesson all too well.

Avoid remote locations and camping

Lakes, forests, abandoned houses, fields, islands… Stay away from it all. If there isn’t an easy escape route to a highway or civilization nearby, don’t even bother visiting the place. Seriously, where has anything good ever happened in a remote location? Also, let’s be real here for a second: Camping sucks, so it’s absolutely mind-blowing why people would still want to do it out of pure enjoyment. There are bugs everywhere, the temperature fluctuates, sleeping bags are uncomfortable, and the lack of bathrooms is inhumane. Think about it this way: Dogs and cats clamor to get inside the house for a reason, since even they can only handle the outdoors in small doses. Just say no to camping trips!

Invest in a high-quality boot knife

One of the best ways to survive a horror film is to always be prepared. Realistically, it’s not practical to lug around an arsenal of weapons everywhere – plus, someone might call the cops on you because you look suspicious. However, it is possible to store a nifty weapon in your shoe. A boot knife, for example, is a small but potentially lethal weapon that’s out of sight but comes in handy when someone like Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees strikes. It’s easy to grab and might surprise an attacker who wasn’t expecting it at all. Sure, this weapon won’t slay a behemoth, but a quick stab or two will rock them to the point that it allows you to put some distance between the parties.

Don’t shoot monsters – chop off their heads instead

Look, there’s no escaping the fact that there will be a showdown between you and a villain in a horror film. It’s practically written in stone. Now, most people think guns are the solution to the problem, because they can be reloaded and do serious damage to rogues. If horror movies have taught us anything, it’s that guns are useless. The villains almost always survive their wounds, and the moment you look away to reload or catch a breath, they vanish into thin air. The only true way to finish a villain is by chopping off their heads. Whether you choose an ax or a chainsaw is up to you, but look at Ash Williams from the Evil Dead series as a prime example. He has a chainsaw on his arm and he’s still around, so that says it all.

Print out a copy of Randy Meeks’ infamous rules

Jamie Kennedy’s Randy Meeks lays out the rules on how to survive a horror film in 1996’s Scream. Ironically, he lands up dead in the series, because he didn’t follow one of the most important ones on our list (don’t answer the phone). That being said, credit must be given where it’s due, and Randy’s three rules still hold a foundational value and should form the crux of any survival bible. They are: Never have sex, never drink or do drugs, and never say, “I’ll be right back.” It’s all sage advice for a horror movie since all three of those points result in almost immediate death. So, yeah, keep Randy’s rules at the back of your mind – along with the rest of ours – and maybe, just maybe, you might survive whichever boogeyman is on your tail.