I'm A Child Therapist – Here's Why Taking Away Their Phone To Punish Them Won't Work

Your teen still hasn’t done their homework (despite you asking five times already) and you’re 10 seconds away from officially losing it. 

Then you spot their phone or games console, glinting on the sofa right next to them... Do you take it away? 

While plenty of us would probably just swipe the tech and offer it back once they’ve done their homework, therapist Catherine Knibbs believe it’s the wrong approach and a “common mistake” parents make. 

“The phone isn’t just a phone,” said Knibbs in a TikTok video which has been viewed more than six million times.

“Like it or not, your child’s phone is now their connection to their friends, to what’s happening in school and afterwards. If you take away your child’s phone, you are essentially isolating them as punishment.”

So, what can you do?

Instead, the expert recommends chatting to your child about why they haven’t completed their homework. 

“A conversation includes you asking questions and listening, not lecturing or persuading them,” she said, encouraging parents to show understanding.

She advised firstly to acknowledge that, yes, homework is boring and it’s not as fun as playing games or being on their phone. 

Then, have a conversation with your child about why they think homework is important for them, she suggests. (Not why you think it is.)

She recommended asking some probing questions: “What do they want to do when they grow up? Do they think you have to work hard to be the best astronaut or YouTuber? Does the person they look up to just do fun things all the time or do they think they also have to do some boring things in order to be successful?”

“Questions like this can help you understand their motivations. Only then can you guide them towards their goals,” she added.

People had *thoughts*

“I really find it hard to agree,” said user TrueXhomerS in response to the video. “Technology is a privilege, not a right, especially when the tech is being abused to ignore their duties etc.,” 

Meanwhile zannymarie suggested it’s easier said than done: “Have you actually tried talking to a teenager in this day and age? You have to take the phone just to communicate with them.”

But some agreed that it’s a good technique to use in the long-term.

As Lana Nasibova explained: “What she is talking about is building a RAPPORT with your child. That takes time and if you are consistent they WILL listen to your guidance. It doesn’t happen with one conversation and it certainly doesn’t happen with force by taking their things away.

“Communication is key and understanding your child is key. THAT TAKES TIME. So as a short term measure taking their belongings helps but in the long term they still haven’t understood WHY they need to do the homework apart from the fear of losing their belongings. That’s not cool.”

According to the Child Mind Institute, taking a teen’s phone as a punishment is “not usually a good choice”.

This is because if you do take the phone, they might refuse to talk to you or try and get their phone back sneakily when you’re not looking. Ultimately, it can undermine your relationship.

As experts explain: “The phone can seem so essential that they consider lying next time to protect their access.”

That said, they’re all for instilling rules around phone use – such as setting limits on how much they use it, setting rules like ‘no phones at the dinner table’, or using apps to help them manage their screen-time.