I often chose alcohol over my kids. I'm still learning to forgive myself after years of sobriety.

• I was an absent, alcoholic mother for years before going to rehab for six months.
• After getting sober, I had to learn to be a parent to my kids.
• My kids have learned to forgive me, but I am still learning to forgive myself.

Over 11 years ago, I went to rehab. It wasn't the first time, but it was the last.

I have now been sober for 11 years. That is a really long time, and no one, including me, ever thought I would get here. I was a low-bottom, stereotypical drunk mom. I lied, cheated, and stole. I made promises to my three children's innocent faces and broke them because alcohol was more important to me; it was most important to me.

Before I got sober, there were months when I only saw my kids for a few hours a week. I ruined vacations, parent-teacher conferences, and sporting events. I gave them chaos when they deserved and needed peace. I was so numb from my addiction that I didn't see the harm I was causing. The damage I caused was great — and it was not reversible.

This is along the lines of what they told me when I went to rehab: "Don't rush the healing with your children. The only thing you can do is make a living amends — prove to them that you are sober today and then do it again tomorrow. Eventually, your relationships will heal with enough tomorrows, and your kids will forgive you."

I wondered how my kids, especially my oldest daughter, could forgive me. I had been such a bad mom. But with time, we found our way.

I focused on being the fun mom at first

After rehab, I wanted to be the best mother I could be, and I wanted to believe that one day, my kids would forgive me — and maybe I would forgive myself, too.

I listened to other alcoholic moms at AA meetings share stories of healing and forgiveness, and it planted enough hope in me to keep me sober for one moment. One day. One week. Eventually, one full year. My kids started to see that I was changing.

We did a lot of fun things together, like trampoline parks, bowling, and escape rooms. Our time together increased from a few hours on Wednesday afternoons to an overnight and then every other weekend. Soon enough, we were on a 50-50 custody schedule.

Their fear of me drinking slowly but surely slipped away, and I finally felt like a real mom.

I had to find the courage to apologize to my children

I was repairing the damage, but saying "I am sorry" was still difficult. Believing that I deserved forgiveness seemed out of reach.

I remember the first time I said the words to my oldest daughter. It was so hard to look at her sweet face and admit that I had been the worst possible mother to this perfect little girl. I wanted to do what I had always done: run away before saying, "I am sorry," drink away my guilt, or disappear altogether because the accountability, guilt, and shame were too much.

But as my daughter shared one of her significant and traumatic memories with me — one where I had messed up and skipped her dance recital due to drinking — I knew I had to do the right thing for her, no matter how uncomfortable it was for me.

"I am sorry," I said. "I know how hard that must have been for you, and I want you to know I am not that person today. I am sober today, and I plan to do everything I can never to be that person again."

Facing my shame, taking full accountability, and facing my daughter was a huge step toward healing for both of us. I released a ton of guilt and shame with that apology. She told me it was OK, but there were more steps along the way — conversations about what it used to be like, sometimes lighthearted, other times not so much. We had to often discuss AA, my new way of life, and what I'm doing to stay sober on any given day.

I'm properly rebuilding my relationship with my kids

My three kids and I have come a long way and none of us is the person we used to be.

But deep down, my guilt and shame still exist, as does an immense amount of fear. The fear of losing my kids again. Of making a bad decision and pushing them away. Of saying or doing the wrong thing so that, suddenly, they remember I'm a bad mom and push me out of their life. I'm still learning to forgive myself for everything, too.

But on February 3^rd, 2025, the following text popped up on my phone:

"Congrats on 11 years sober! I am so proud of you and love you so much. You have become the mom I always wanted."

I wrote back: "I love you too, Molly. I am just so glad you waited for me, believed in me, and gave me so many chances. I have become the mother you always deserved."