Concerned Bartender Takes Away Pete Hegseth’s Security Clearance

ARLINGTON, VA—Expressing unease with his customer’s obvious level of inebriation, local bartender Benny Waller confirmed Friday that he had been forced to take away Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s security clearance. “Look, buddy, you’re in no condition to be getting behind a desk at the Defense Department right now,” the proprietor of local dive bar the Anchor reportedly told a stumbling, belligerent Hegseth while reaching into the Cabinet member’s pocket, pulling out his security credentials, and placing them in a locked box behind the counter. “It’ll be safer for everyone if you go home and sober up before accessing any national security secrets or entering restricted areas of the Pentagon. I’m sorry, but in your current state, it would be irresponsible of me to let you operate a department with an $850 billion budget and a nuclear arsenal.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Hegseth had staggered out of the establishment while shouting that he would be back with some buddies the next night to declare war on the whole bar.

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