The 10 ways to boost your libido – and none involve oysters, sexy lingerie or ‘scheduling sex’

I’M tired, stressed or uninterested – you can already feel the excuses to avoid love-making brewing before you can say ‘Valentine’s Day’.

And while we’re often told we can boost our libido by chucking back oysters, most of us are a little cynical of ‘aphrodisiacs’.

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Mismatched libidos or a difference in sexual desire is common among couples[/caption]

Libido – a person’s sexual drive or desire – “ebbs and flows”, says Samantha Marshall, sex educator and head of brand Smile Makers.

“Menstrual cycles, menopause, medication, stress, mental health, general life… all these things can impact our desire for sex,” she says.

So by the same token, don’t just assume that your partner is not interested or even cheating.

Kate Moyle, the psychosexual therapist and the in-house sex and relationships expert for our client sexual wellness brand LELO, says: “If you have mismatched libidos or a difference in sexual desire, it’s not to assume that there is something wrong or that this has to be a problem. 

“In fact it’s much more common for couples to be mismatched than perfectly or exactly matched – as in with everything else in life we are all individual.”

But there is the risk of making it a problem, with the risk that “couples can often get caught up in the worry or anxiety about what it means for the rest of their relationship”.

Kate says: “An important part of this is also to not position the problem in either partner wanting ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’ sex, as creating feelings of guilt or shame around sex is not going to positively encourage or motivate you to want to have it. 

“The gap is between you is definitely something that can be worked on and understood better but attacking each other for your current positions won’t help anything.”

So, how can you address your waning, or potentially non-existent, interest in sex?

Here the experts reveal… 

1. TALK ABOUT IT

First things first, don’t fall into the trap of making assumptions about your partner’s libido or desire to have sex with you.

Have an honest conversation about where you’re both at.

Kate says: “Start by talking about it. Understanding what it means to each other is the first point of addressing it.

“It’s very easy for couples to get stuck in patterns and routines, such as one partner always initiating, or sex always following the same pattern and these dynamics can create beliefs about our sex lives and relationships that might not be accurate. 

“Often couples say things like ‘you only touch me when you want sex’, which may not be the case but typically becomes a routine if one partner always leads sex. 

“Talking about how to change things and both of you making an effort to understand what’s important to the other and how you both feel desired can start to create a shift.”

2. SEXUAL CURRENCY

If you’re reading this article, you’re clearly interested in how to boost your libido.

But it’s not just going to ‘happen’ – you need to make it happen.

Kate says: “When we understand that desire is something that can be triggered, rather than always waiting for it to spontaneously appear, means that we can start to take control of the situation. 

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Touching, kissing and hugging can lead into something more sexual[/caption]

“Increasing sexual currency – which is anything that’s ‘not sex’ but that you would do with a partner (touching, kissing, hugging, flirting) – makes it easier to lean into approaching each other as the regular connection bridges are already there. 

“Sensuality leads to sexuality, and something like a sensual kiss can trigger feelings of desire which can then lead into something more sexual.”

So make the move and see what follows.

3. MAKE ONE SMALL CHANGE

Sex can become predictable when in a relationship.

But we all know a holiday can spice things up – why?

Kate says: “Mixing it up and breaking up routine is a good way of creating more of a sense of anticipation and novelty rather than predictability.

“Try and change things – you don’t have to do anything dramatic or big, just try changing one thing every time you have sex.

“It could be the time of day, turning the lights on or off, starting with clothes on or off, using lube, changing positions, trying a sex toy or changing location.”

4. USING SEX TOYS

One of the biggest tips you’ll see to get lust beck in the bedroom is to use sex toys – and there is a reason.

Kate explains: “Using sex toys as a couple can introduce novelty and create more intense and pleasurable sensations.

“Breaking away from routines and introducing something new can be a real desire booster as it increases anticipation – which is our natural aphrodisiac.

“If you are using a small handheld toy like Lelo’s Mia 2 it can easily be used all over both partner’s bodies to tease and build up desire and arousal.”

5. GO SOLO

Spending some time ‘going solo’ regularly can help boost libido by reducing stress.

Samantha says: “Our sex life should not be determined by partnered sex. Regardless of whether or not we have a partner, our sex life starts with ourselves. 

“Solo exploration too is a big part of it.”

If you feel like you’re the one with a low libido while your partner is constantly making unwanted advances, gently encourage them to masturbate as a way to improve health and wellbeing.

Ever heard of the ‘bristle reaction’? It’s a term coined by sex therapist Vanessa Marin and is a knee-jerk reaction to your partner’s touch if you feel it always comes from a place of wanting sex.

Mismatched sex drives are common in relationships and can exacerbate the issue.

There are many things you can do to wipe the bristle reaction – read about them here – but solo sex may help take the pressure off sex between the two of you, allowing things to happen more mutually and organically. 

6. DEVICE-FREE TIME

Some experts recommend scheduling sex as a means of creating anticipation and well, ensuring that it does happen.

But Kate avoids advising this because it “creates pressure”.

Instead, she says: “Scheduling time to focus on one another, importantly free from distraction, screens and devices, is an important way of connecting and importantly creating a context within which responsive desire may occur. 

“Having the time in the diary – like we do anything else in life e.g. our work meetings, catching up with friends, childcare – we just think that we should have a different attitude to our sex and relationships when in fact prioritising it is a really positive thing. 

“You are showing each other that it’s important, also carving out or booking in the time also means that you psychologically put the time aside to be in the moment which can positively boost your desire.”

Spending more time together outside of the bedroom also helps build that ‘sexual currency’.

“These connections or bridges offer plenty of opportunities for spontaneous and responsive desire to occur from which can be really helpful when we are stressed as we may also miss seeing these opportunities as much.”

7. PROMPTS 

Whether sex is on your brain 24/7 or never at all, talking about it with someone else could get you more ‘turned on’.

Sarah says: “A key to a great sex life with a partner is communication. But this can feel intimidating and in the rush of everyday life and very vulnerable in bed.”

Sarah recommends playing a game such as writing 10 desires on 10 pieces of paper, mixing them up and picking them out a jar one-by-one.

She says: “Communicate with your partner what your fantasies, likes, desires and even kinks are. Not only does this elevate the experience, but it creates a more trusted and safe environment. 

“Good for fun, but also beneficial if you’re looking to build something more deep and meaningful with a partner.”

Find that too awkward? Some prompt games that already exist include Lovehoney Oh! Talk Dirty Playing Cards or OurGuiltyPleasures cards.

Sarah says: “Set up a date at home or somewhere that you like and use one of these conversational card games that provides prompts to engage the conversation.”

8. TOUCH FREE

Perhaps the issue is that you and your partner touch each other TOO much.

You’re hardly going to feel the thrill of their touch if it’s become the norm.

So what can you do?

Dr Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, the sexpert on Celebs Go Dating, previously told The Sun’s Fabulous about the “fast and feasting” practice. 

“People take quick kisses from their partner for granted, but for seven days you avoid touching each other at all,” she explains.

“Then for the next seven days, you commit to sex feasting. Do something sexual every day, whether it be mutual masturbation, oral sex or reading erotica together.

“This process is surprisingly effective. What’s sexy for people is their spouse committing to something that brings them closer.”

9. BODY CONFIDENCE BOOST

Libido is complex and while psychology and emotions come into play, physical factors also have an impact. 

In a recent review published in Obesity and Sexual Functioning (2018) findings show that obesity appears to have a detrimental effect on sexual functioning.

For some people, concerns about body image can negatively impact sexual desire.

Carrying too much weight also has negative effects on hormones, creating imbalances which affect libido.

To stay healthy, you need to keep your hormones in balance. In men, obesity can lead to androgen deficiency which can cause erectile dysfunction.

A recent study, found that women who lost between 2 – 5 per cent of body weight experienced improved sexual desire and function.

Losing weight and improving hormone health can also protect you from developing health problems such as heart disease, hypertension and diabetes.

10. HORMONE CONTROL

Hormonal changes can also affect desire. 

Declining oestrogen levels, and also gradually declining testosterone levels, can cause many women to experience a lack of sex drive around the time of menopause.

“It’s very common for many older women to experience vaginal dryness and decreased lubrication,” says Tania Adib, Consultant Gynaecologist based in London. 

“This can make sex painful, and if you’re always anticipating pain, this will affect your libido..  If you have a prolapse (eg: womb, bladder or bowel), this can also make sex very uncomfortable.”

Speak to a GP if menopause is impacting you; just because you’re going through ‘the change’ doesn’t mean you have to stop having sex!

They may offer treatments for vagina’ dryness – this could be vaginal oestrogen (as a pessary, gel, cream) – or HRT.

Try a natural, water based lubricant such as Yes Water-Based Personal Lubricant, £12.99 for 100ml – yesyesyes.org. 

Men too have to contend with their own set of hormonal issues as they get older, when testosterone levels start to decrease as they age, usually when they reach their late 40s and early 50s.

This can lead to erectile dysfunction and other physical and emotional symptoms.