Some Cultures Are Better At Death — Here’s What They Can Teach Us About Grieving

Once the initial shock is over, the initial death admin is complete and the funeral has come to an end, grievers are left with a sense of distinct despair. The distractions are gone and now we have to face the rest of our lives without our loved ones.

There’s no getting around it — this is all very fucking hard.

As the days and weeks pass, we feel that we need to somehow snap back to who we were before the loss. Act as if our lives haven’t fundamentally changed and like we don’t feel so incredibly tender at the mere mention of those we have lost. 

It’s just awkward. You’re trying to act in one way, knowing that internally you feel almost the opposite. 

Bianca Neumann, Assistant Director of Bereavement at national palliative care and bereavement charity, Sue Ryder, agrees. She says: “Grief often feels uncomfortable in our culture because it doesn’t fit societal norms.

“We’re conditioned to want to fix anyone in emotional distress, but grief has no quick fix, which is why we find it awkward.”

Neumann believes that looking to cultures around the world can inspire us to embrace the emotions and love that you had for your loved one.

How we can change our approach to grief

When I recently lost my granddad, I felt that I had to honour what he would want me to do at his funeral, which was celebrate who he was and be tender towards his family, just like he always was. 

As a family, we were provided with some ‘standard’ poems to be read at the funeral and while I read through them, I thought that they just didn’t reflect the man I knew. He wasn’t the birthday card granddad. He was a working class 80 year old man from Liverpool who had only ever lived for his family.

So, I wrote and read out my own poem that reflected who he actually was.

Neumann values this personalised approach. 

“In many cultures, funerals embrace noise, colour and expressing emotions, while some tend to there can be a tendency to favour quiet, somber traditions. But a funeral should serve those grieving, and it shouldn’t feel like you must follow convention”, she explains.

“Whether that means wearing colour, playing music, or personalising the service in some way, you should feel empowered to honour the person who has died in a way that reflects their life, and your relationship with them.”

The bereavement expert also believes that we need to start openly talking about grief before losing somebody suggesting: “Some other cultures around the world also tend to be better at talking about death than we are as a society.

“Having a better understanding of death and grief, will help everyone prepare better for it. Therefore, helping us process our grief when the time comes.”

How to move on with your life while grieving

There is no hurry, no time limit, but there will come a time when you feel that you need to start moving forwards again. This can come with guilt — for potentially the first time, you are about to live life without them and it can feel like you’re leaving them behind.

Grief, just like love, moves with you, though. The love you had for them stays with you and so does the loss. It just gets easier to get through the day and see a future without them over time.

Again, there is no time limit to this.

Neumann advises remembering your loved ones in a way that feels right to you, suggesting: “We can also draw from other cultures’ ideas to keep memories and our bond with the person who has died alive - whether through memorial days, tattoos, or other personal rituals – we can learn to grow around our grief and shape how we continue to bond with the person who has died.”

As long as you’re alive, a part of them will always be, too.

National palliative care and bereavement charity, Sue Ryder has found that 88% of people feel alone in their grief. The charity believes they deserve better and wants to let people know it has grief support available for everyone who needs it.

Sue Ryder offers a range of online grief support, from a bereavement community, and counselling. Search ‘Grief deserves better’ or visit sueryder.org/GriefDeservesBetter