Scared of the dentist? Here are some strategies to cope
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Here at The Daily, our readers are at least our third priority, so we’ve taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with everyone’s worst nightmare: your local dentist. I know these simple tricks will have you opening wide and saying “ahh” in no time.
1. Don’t go
In the dental world, actions are like side pieces and consequences are like bastard children: at least several months away.
2. Breathe
Research shows that just 5-10 minutes of quick, shallow breathing can cause a period of non-lucidity that’s sure to make any medical professional think twice before performing even the most routine procedure.
3. Take a mental health retreat
They can’t find you in the woods.
4. Challenge your negative self-talk
You have lots of people who love and support you! Reach out to a friend or two and tell them about your anxiety. Then you can go out for lunch with them, go see a movie, hang out at the park, and– OH! Would you look at the time. You missed your appointment. There’s always next time, though.
5. Avoid sudden movements
Remember, these are wild animals and they’re just as afraid of you as you are of them. If you slowly back away, avoid sudden movements and don’t make any loud sounds, your chompers should be safe and sound. If you’re a professional (and feeling a little bit frisky), you can even approach and observe them in their natural habitat. Don’t be too shocked if you get sprayed with blood or saliva during working hours. Those in the dental profession aren’t known for their tidiness during feeding frenzies.
6. Make yourself heard!
If you make it to that dreaded chair, just remember that you are a customer. If I’ve learned anything from being an American consumer, it’s that the customer is always right. You paid good money to be there! Let your doctor know if the room’s too cold, if your neck hurts, if you’d like a hot towel, or even if you want a snack (sadly, only sugar-free).
7. Try self-medication
There’s nothing better than a little mid-day high to balance out your appointment with the teeth-freaks. Don’t be afraid to mix substances, but remember: a smoke before (laughing) gas, the appointment will pass; gas before a smoke, you’ll likely choke.
8. Bring a United Nations-Appointed Observer
Bring along an uninterested 3rd party in plainly marked attire who can moderate the interaction. According to international law, they can’t get directly involved, but it’s always good to have a witness in case things get really messy.
9. Ground Yourself
My favorite technique for remaining present and calm is called the 5-4-3-2-1 method. It goes like this:
- Find 5 Things you can see:
- The blinding LED light.
- The pointy instruments near your precious face holes.
- Radiation emitting devices just feet away.
- Cold linoleum tiles.
- Unflattering pictures of your hygienist’s teenage son (You will be hearing about him. No need to ask).
- What are 4 things you can touch? Try:
- Biting at your nails.
- Anxiously twirling your hair.
- Fiddling with your shoelaces.
- Clutching your soulless, glass phone. Nothing makes you feel better than catching up with the news!
- What are 3 things you can hear?
- The grinding sound of metal on bone.
- Your own breathing.
- A child crying in the waiting room.
- What are 2 things you can smell
- That “Dentist Office Smell”
- Too much perfume on some, not enough deodorant on others.
- What is 1 thing you can taste
- That weird-ass mint polish flavor (You were too afraid to ask for strawberry).
Now that you’ve overcome your fear of the dentist, I’m sure your pearly whites will thank you and you can go right back to “forgetting” to floss every night. But hey, I’m just your resident advice columnist, not your mother.
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