From hormones to stress, 11 reasons why your sex life is rubbish – and how to get it raunchy and rampant again
WHEN midlife hits, many of us find ourselves juggling more responsibilities than a circus clown.
Between managing careers, families and never-ending to-do lists, it’s no wonder that once fiery bedroom antics can start to feel as sleepy as Sunday afternoon TV.
Almost a third of midlife couples — 29 per cent — in long-term relationships describe their sex life as “dissatisfying”, while 65 per cent of those in their 50s have sex once a week or less.
But don’t fret — if you’re feeling like a spare part in the romance department, you are certainly not alone.
I’ve worked with countless couples facing a midlife lull in their sex lives, and trust me, a slowdown doesn’t have to be the new normal.
With just a little insight, honesty and some actionable steps, you and your partner can reignite the spark that once had you both swinging from the chandeliers.
1. THE ‘WE’RE TOO TIRED TO TANGO’ TRAP
I CAN’T tell you how often I hear couples complain that they’re simply too exhausted to have sex.
Long days at work, hectic family schedules and general pressures of life can leave you feeling you’ve run a marathon before getting to bed.
Up to 33 per cent of couples say they are “too tired” for sex, which rises to 40 per cent for those whose kids still live at home.
When your batteries are drained, even the thought of intimacy can feel like just one more chore.
I always advise couples to think of sex as an energy-giving activity rather than another drain on their resources.
Start by prioritising rest and relaxation, and set a bedtime that gives enough downtime to decompress.
If that means switching off the TV or scheduling intimate time at a different time of day — mornings, anyone? — go for it.
Remember, fatigue kills libido.
Investing in quality rest can give you the spark you need to embrace each other more passionately.
2. THE ‘DID I MARRY MY HOUSEMATE’ DILEMMA
IT’S easy for couples to slip into a comfortable routine, especially by midlife.
You run the household together, share the bills, parent the kids and become each other’s best friend.
While that closeness is lovely, it can also blur the lines between lover and flatmate — which is sadly how 23 per cent of midlife couples would describe their partner.
If you have fallen into a routine that’s more about whose turn it is to take out the bins than it is about connecting romantically, don’t be surprised if sex slips off the radar.
Make a conscious effort to date each other again.
Plan nights out that involve doing something new or nostalgic, like revisiting your first date spot.
Dress up, flirt shamelessly and remind yourselves that you’re not just partners in crime, you’re lovers.
Shaking up the routine with an occasional spontaneous weekend away can also do wonders for reconnecting romantically.
3. THE OFFICE CRUSH CONUNDRUM
WHETHER it’s your partner’s new colleague who is always impeccably dressed or your own charming gym instructor, it’s not uncommon for eyes — and sometimes minds — to wander.
Midlife can bring a craving for novelty, and that can result in fleeting crushes or emotional connections outside of your relationship.
In fact, one in five of those in long-term relationships confess they have developed a crush on someone who isn’t their partner.
While a crush might seem harmless, it can plant seeds of doubt or a distance that derails your sex life.
Firstly, recognise that a crush often points to something lacking in your current dynamic — maybe it’s excitement, attention or just a spark.
Acknowledge those feelings rather than shaming yourself or your partner.
Openly discuss what might be missing in your relationship and work on injecting that missing piece.
Turning towards your partner and reigniting your connection can often dissolve the allure of someone else.
4. THE COMFORT ZONE COMA
AFTER years of knowing each other’s bodies and moves inside and out, it is easy to slip into sexual autopilot.
If intimacy has become predictable — same position, same time, same outcome — your brain might switch off simply because it’s all so familiar.
You know you love each other, but your body craves stimulation and variety.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to book a skydiving session to spice things up (unless that’s your thing!).
Start small — try a new location in the house, experiment with different lighting or music, and be open to toys or role-play if you’re both comfortable.
Communicate your fantasies and listen to your partner’s.
Often the sheer act of discussing new ideas can rekindle that sense of adventure.
5. THE TECHNOLOGY TURNOFF
WE’VE all been there — you plan an early night of romance, only to find yourself in bed scrolling through social media, playing a game on your phone or firing off a late-night work email.
Technology has this uncanny ability to worm its way into every moment of our lives, and it’s not exactly an aphrodisiac.
In a survey, one in five admitted that their bedtime screen habits reduced the frequency of sex with their partner.
Make your bedroom a tech-free zone.
Charge your phones in another room, resist the urge to watch TV in bed and use reading or gentle conversation as a wind-down.
Creating a more mindful, intimate space without the glow of screens makes it easier for you both to focus on each other.
Trust me, your sex life will thank you for it.
6. THE BOREDOM BLUES
CONTRARY to popular belief, boredom isn’t just about lacking new sexual positions or the same old routine, it can also stem from feeling unfulfilled or stagnant in life.
Maybe work isn’t as stimulating, or the empty nest phase has left you wondering what’s next.
Boredom in life often creeps into the bedroom, reducing libido and sexual excitement.
Get curious about what really energises you as individuals and as a couple.
Sign up for that pottery class, plan a hiking trip or take on a new fitness challenge together.
The more you add fresh experiences to your daily lives, the more you’ll feel that buzz of excitement that naturally translates into your sexual dynamic.
Rediscovering the joy of newness can be a real game-changer.
7. THE STRESS SIZZLER
MIDLIFE can come with a unique set of stressors — worries about ageing parents, financial pressures, or even reevaluating your career path.
High stress triggers the body’s fight-or-flight response, which is the worst mood-killer.
When your mind is racing with a million responsibilities, desire can rapidly fade into the background.
Start by prioritising stress management techniques such as regular exercise, mindful breathing or even therapy sessions if stress is becoming overwhelming.
Create a calming bedtime routine that helps you and your partner wind down.
This could include sharing a short meditation, giving each other a gentle back rub or even listening to a soothing playlist.
When stress is under control, desire often comes roaring back.
8. THE HORMONAL HAVOC
LET’S talk biology for a moment.
Both men and women experience hormonal shifts in midlife that can disrupt libido and sexual functioning.
Women entering perimenopause or menopause can face hot flushes, mood swings and vaginal dryness.
Men can experience lowered testosterone, which can impact sexual desire and performance.
Your body might feel like a stranger, and that can throw a big spanner in the intimacy works.
I always recommend speaking to a healthcare professional if you suspect hormones are at play.
Sometimes, simple solutions such as lubricants, or hormone replacement therapy, can make a huge difference.
And don’t underestimate the power of lifestyle changes.
A nutritious diet, regular exercise and reducing alcohol can all support healthier hormone levels.
Remember, knowledge is power, so get informed and take steps to support your changing body.
9. THE BODY CONFIDENCE BLIP
IF you’re not feeling great about your body, you’re less likely to want to show it off in the bedroom.
Midlife often presents us with new sags, wrinkles or softness in places that were once firm.
It’s natural to compare yourself now to your younger self, and this can chip away at confidence.
Nearly half — 47 per cent — of midlife women say concerns about their appearance make it less likely that they would initiate sex.
Instead of focusing on what you don’t like, shift your attention to what your body can do.
You might take up a new physical hobby, such as dancing, yoga or swimming, which helps you appreciate your body’s abilities.
Remind yourself that confidence is sexy, and your partner likely admires you more than you realise.
Celebrate each other’s bodies by sharing compliments.
And consider sensual, not necessarily sexual, touch such as massages or cuddling to build intimacy.
10. THE SILENT TREATMENT SYNDROME
ONE of the commonest blocks to a healthy sex life is when communication is lacking.
Maybe you have never been comfortable discussing what you like in bed, or perhaps lingering resentments have built up over time and gone unaddressed.
Silence creates a breeding ground for misunderstandings, resentments and unmet needs.
I encourage couples to be brave and start the conversation, even if it feels awkward at first.
Choose a relaxed, neutral space, perhaps during a leisurely walk or over a glass of wine, and share your feelings honestly but kindly.
Focus on using “I” statements: “I feel disconnected” or “I miss our closeness”.
Encourage your partner to do the same.
When you remove the guesswork and talk openly, you can tackle issues long before they fester and overshadow your desire for each other.
11. THE PASSION OVERLOAD MYTH
THERE’S a common misconception that if your sex life isn’t blazing hot all the time, something is fundamentally wrong.
Many midlife couples measure their sex life against the intensity of their early years or what they see in films and social media.
This unrealistic expectation can set you up for disappointment, frustration and a vicious cycle of feeling like failures in the bedroom.
Remember, sex is about quality, not quantity.
Shift your perspective from chasing fireworks to nurturing deeper, more meaningful intimacy.
Accept that your connection might evolve over the years, and that’s perfectly normal.
Focusing on closeness, emotional intimacy and mutual satisfaction can be more fulfilling than any idealised Hollywood version of lust.
Let go of the pressure to perform and embrace the emotional and physical bond you share.