Panicked Pottery Barn Executives Announce They Have Lost Control Of The Wicker

SAN FRANCISCO—In an emergency press conference at which she issued a stark warning to the nation, panicked Pottery Barn president Monica Bhargava announced Friday that the home furnishing chain had lost control of the wicker. “We long thought we could control the wicker, weaving it into whatever refined and relaxing form we desired, but we were wrong—dead wrong,” said a visibly shaken Bhargava, who revealed that the rattan menace had already woven vast swaths of the American landscape into outdoor sofas, woven totes, and all-weather coffee tables in its uncompromising pursuit of timeless craftsmanship. “Because of its resistance to rain, we’re powerless to stop it. So if you see the wicker, do not be tempted to settle into its warm, pliable texture. Just run. Run as fast as you can. Dear God, all we wanted to do was add a dash of elegance to our customers’ alfresco fun. How foolish we were.” Bhargava concluded the press conference by letting out a scream as the wicker swarmed into the room, crackled up the sides of the podium, and entombed her inside a beautiful handwoven pattern.

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