4 Times Yoda Escaped From Maximum Security Speech Therapy

Anyone who has ever met Yoda knows that he is one of the most annoying guys to talk to in the entire galaxy. He does the thing where he says his words all mixed up and backwards and even C-3PO hates it. As a result, Yoda’s friends and enemies have forcibly checked him into maximum security speech therapy several times in an attempt to get him to talk normally. Unfortunately for them, Yoda is slippery like a fish and incredibly good at sneaking around, so he is often able to get away. Here are four times that Yoda escaped from maximum security speech therapy.

1. The Time Yoda Tricked Chewbacca Into Mailing Him To Tatooine

During Yoda’s first involuntary stint in speech therapy, which was on a maximum security prison facility in orbit around Coruscant, he escaped by tricking his writing partner Chewbacca into stuffing him into an envelope and mailing him to the desert planet of Tatooine. Chewbacca was visiting Yoda and they were working on the script for their Alex Chilton biopic when all of a sudden Yoda said, “Make of me mail to Tatooine you must Chewbacca friend mine you are thank you please. Urgent it is.” Chewbacca could barely understand the garbled nonsense coming out of Yoda’s mouth, but the two of them had worked together long enough for him to generally piece together that Yoda wanted to be mailed to Tatooine. Chewbacca said, “Yoda, that seems like it’s against the rules,” but Yoda said, “Must of you have to be fear can’t don’t and scream is not to be of not don’t,” which was enough to convince Chewbacca to do it anyway.

Chewbacca folded Yoda into a small square, which broke all his bones, and put him into an envelope addressed to the cantina on Tatooine. Later that day, Han Solo the cosmic mailman showed up in his flying mail truck, the Millennium Falcon, and delivered Yoda to Tatooine. It took Yoda’s speech therapy clinic three years to track him down and bring him back to speech therapy.

2. The Time Yoda Used The Force To Rip His Speech Therapist’s Hair Out

The second time Yoda escaped from maximum security speech therapy, he was in a session with his speech therapist Count Dooku. Count Dooku was teaching Yoda how to say the basic sentence, “I need to piss or I’ll die,” and as usual Yoda was saying it in wildly incorrect ways like, “Piss or die, I must,” and, “Piss in the toilet, the boring way is to piss is that way is.” After six months of trying and failing to say this sentence correctly, Yoda got fed up. He looked Count Dooku right in the eyes and said, “Enough of this bullshit I have had. Done with you and your so-called God I am. Prepare I am you’re as of if you are to is to am you, must to is me.” Then Yoda took out his magician’s wand and waved it around while muttering an ancient spell. He then shouted, “Alakazam!” and used the Force to rip all of Count Dooku’s hair out. Count Dooku was so embarrassed to be seen with no hair that he buried his head in a nearby laundry hamper, and Yoda used this opportunity to waddle out of the speech therapy facility. It took his team of speech therapists over a year to track him down and bring him back.

3. The Time Yoda Convinced Luke Skywalker To Dress As His Body Double So He Could Escape

The next time Yoda escaped from speech therapy it involved him taking advantage of his dimwitted intern Luke Skywalker. Luke Skywalker was visiting Yoda at his maximum security speech therapy facility in orbit around Coruscant in order to try to get him to eat something other than Reese’s cups with the wrapper still on. Before Luke arrived, Yoda told Luke that the facility had a dress code where everyone had to paint themselves green and wear a bald cap. Since Luke Skywalker was the most gullible Jedi in the galaxy, he believed Yoda, and he showed up painted green and wearing a bald cap. This made Luke Skywalker look almost identical to Yoda, and the staff at the maximum speech therapy facility couldn’t tell the two apart. Later, while Luke was begging Yoda to eat an onion to get some much-needed vitamins and minerals into his diet, Yoda took out his magician’s wand, shouted, “Alakazam!” and used the Force to make a chandelier fall on Luke Skywalker’s head, knocking him unconscious. Yoda used this opportunity to waddle out of his maximum security speech therapy facility. A security guard tried to stop him, but Yoda said, “Not Yoda am I. Luke Skywalker dressed as Yoda I am.” The security said, “That makes a lot of sense. I’m sorry, Luke,” and Yoda said, “Accepted apology is no of not and never as forgiveness will of if not hope of Obi-Wan Kenobi as never if and wasn’t. Of.” The guard nodded and said, “Yeah.” Then Yoda waddled out the door of the facility. It took the facility over six years to realize that the creature they thought they were giving speech therapy to was not Yoda, but Luke Skywalker in green paint and a bald cap. It took them another 13 years to track down Yoda and bring him back to speech therapy.

4. The Time Yoda Used The Force To Make His Head Too Big For Speech Therapy

One time during a speech therapy session, Yoda took out his magician’s wand, shouted “Alakazam!” and used the Force to make his head grow to the size of a minivan. Yoda’s speech therapist took one look at Yoda and said, “Yoda’s head is now too big for speech therapy. We need to jettison him into space.” The speech therapy facility put Yoda into the airlock and jettisoned him into space, where he died.