Asking Eric: I’m not on board with my wife’s vision for my retirement years

Dear Eric: I am a 60-something man who struggled for decades, working multiple jobs at a time.

Many of those jobs were physically brutal, but thanks to a generous family inheritance late last year I’m finally able to rest my beaten and broken body and retire with my arthritis meds and pending joint replacements.

My wife of eight months, who is physically whole and energetic, and who never held a paying job, wants us to spend my inheritance to live in “active seniors” retirement like those graying couples in AARP and prescription meds commercials: mountain climbing, volunteering to build houses, running marathons, kite-skiing, et cetera.

Here’s what I want to do every day: Take my daily two-mile morning walk or pedal my bike about 10 miles, swim my laps at the YMCA, take a nap, then spend the next 10 hours writing, reading and catching up with all those long-ago movies and TV series I missed due to 70-hour workweeks and having to learn new jobs for so many years.

Help?

– Peaceful Retirement

Dear Retirement: Congratulations on moving into this well-deserved next chapter.

On the surface, it seems like you can do both. Were you to move into an active retirement community, your wife could scale Everest while you read a book.

However, the newness of your union and the mentions of the inheritance ring a tiny alarm bell. Is this really about differing visions for how you’ll spend your days or is this an indication of a misalignment about money?

Your view of the inheritance is linked to the hard work you’ve put in over your career. It’s a windfall that makes so many things possible, things that you might have spent a long time wishing for but always seemed out of reach. You’ll be disappointed or resentful if you don’t honor that dream in some part.

Have a frank, honest conversation with your wife about the values each of you places on money. Besides retirement plans, do you have the same dreams? Do you understand money the same way? What is her plan for financial stability? If it’s just your inheritance, does that work for you?

Laying a foundation around finances will help you make the decision about retirement and support the long-term health of your marriage.

Dear Eric: I have a friend I will call “Linda.” She is a very sweet, lovely friend whom I have known for about five years.

A few months ago, she had a party at her house, and she introduced me as her best friend. This surprised me, but I brushed it off.

Last week my actual best friend of 30+ years, “Kelly,” was in town, and I posted some pics on my socials of me and her.

Well, I got a text from Linda asking me about Kelly, how long I have known her, et. cetera.

I answered her questions, and she ended up sending me a three-page email about how hurt she was that I was calling Kelly my best friend when I hadn’t even mentioned Kelly to her, and she was the one who was always “there” for me.

This confused me because any time I needed someone to be there for me, on anything, it’s Kelly or my mom and sisters I call. Linda can be a talker/gossip.

I also always believed that if you were truly someone’s best friend, it was something you both agreed on. Once Linda and I moved on from our old workplace, I see her about once a month and talk on the phone maybe once a week/every couple of weeks.

I told her I was sorry she was feeling that way. So far, she hasn’t responded and I’m unsure of what else to say or do. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. If it matters, we’re both in our mid-40s.

Any advice would be appreciated.

– Not the Bestie

Dear Bestie: At the risk of sounding callous, this is not your problem.

You’re right that best friendship is usually a mutually agreed-upon status. Sure, there are friendships where one person likes the other person more. But Linda’s problem is not that you don’t like her as much as Kelly, it’s that Kelly exists at all. And that’s not really any of Linda’s business.

My heart goes out to her a bit. She might be lonely; she might not have a lot of friends. But she’s responding with a scarcity mindset that’s making her possessive.

Your other friendships, even with friends she doesn’t know about, shouldn’t affect the relationship you have.

You’ve expressed sympathy and you haven’t done anything wrong, so you don’t need to do more to fix this. If Linda comes around, however, it’s worth having a conversation about boundaries and appropriate responses. It’s what good friends do.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.