Hey, Conan O’Brien: Your top 10 Oscars jokes should include these jabs at ‘Wicked,’ ‘Anora,’ and more

Conan O’Brien has been tapped to host the 97th Academy Awards on March 2, 2025. It will be his first time emceeing the show, and there no doubt he’s already working on material for his opening monologue. Fortunately for him, so are we.

Read on for our top 10 suggested Oscars jokes — poking fun at some of the major contenders like Wicked, Anora, Conclave, and The Brutalist. Conan and his team are free to use any and all of these. And perhaps we’ll be back with more zingers as we get closer to Oscar’s big night.

1. Good evening and welcome to the Academy Awards. I’m Conan O’Brien of Massachusetts. And I am so Wicked excited to be your Oscars host.

2. In Wicked, Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande play two young witches engaged in a fierce competition. Which one is more popular? Which one is more powerful? And most importantly, which one has to drop down to supporting to boost both of their Oscar chances?

3. Of course, Wicked isn’t the only film with a cast of odd-looking characters dressed in colorful costumes in a land of strange customs and traditions. There’s also Conclave. Ralph Fiennes is a cardinal trying to select the next pope. But it’s no easy task. Not only must they be free from sin, sex, and scandal — they must also profess their admiration for The English Patient.

4. Adrien Brody is here tonight, as a Best Actor nominee for The Brutalist. He won for The Pianist 22 years ago, and passionately kissed Halle Berry as he accepted the Oscar. I can’t wait to see how that flies with five previous Best Actor recipients presenting the award. All I can say is, it’s a good thing Will Smith isn’t one of them.

5. Also up for Best Actor: Timothée Chalamet as Bob Dylan in A Complete Unknown. Timmy gives us a glimpse into the early years of one of the most eccentric personalities in all of show business — and even does his own singing. So it’s basically the same thing that he did in Wonka.

6. One of the most acclaimed performances of the year: Daniel Craig in the romantic drama Queer. It’s his way of apologizing to gay movie fans after letting Dame Judi Dench die in Skyfall.

7. Turning to Best Actress category, Mikey Madison is eyeing the Oscar for her breakout role as a stripper and sex worker in Anora. She’s facing criticism for not having an intimacy coordinator on the set. But she’s been told that it’s highly recommended for tonight’s post-Oscar parties.

8. Nominated alongside Mikey is Marianne Jean-Baptiste in the indie movie Hard Truths. What an incredible performance. If the film had been made in Hollywood, producers would have insisted on casting at least one major star. Like Jack Nicholson. And I can just imagine his big line. “You can’t handle the truths!”

9. Denzel Washington is back at the Oscars with his 10th nomination, for Gladiator 2. He was so good in the film, a third installment is already in the works. His emperor will leave Rome and attempt to conquer ancient Greece. The working title is Remember the Titans.

10. Thanks again for allowing me to be your host tonight. Or should I say, the wizard of the Oscars. And on that note, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Andy Richter insisted on tagging along.

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