I don’t fancy my wife since she got fat… working out hasn’t helped & I’m jealous of the other dads with fit wives
GLANCING over at his wife Laura as she got the kids ready for school, Brian felt a wave of emotion – but in that moment it was frustration rather than love.
They’d been married ten years, and in the beginning the pair were both super athletic – but now after having two kids and being busy at work, Laura had, in Brian’s opinion, begun to ‘let herself go’.
It’s no secret many of us begin to put on weight as we get older, and a study previously revealed couples in a happy relationship are more likely to gain weight too.
And whether it’s joining the gym, or beginning a new diet, this time of year in particular is typically the time many of us start, or restart, a health kick – but whether they last is another matter entirely.
Speaking to ‘agony uncle’ Dr John Delony on his YouTube chat show in a bid to get some advice on how to deal with his ‘problem’, Brian boldly stated: “Ultimately my wife’s body isn’t what it used to be and I want to talk to someone about it.
“We’ve been married 10 years and we were an athletic couple dating and in our early marriage, but just adding kids and jobs that just took a back seat.
“I want advice on having an open conversation. I know it’s obvious – my wife’s confidence has taken a toll, and I want to help if I can.”
‘She dropped the ball’
Explaining how he’d tried to help his wife already, Brian went on to disclose he’d encouraged a fitness routine for them to do together – but his wife ‘failed’ to stick to it.
He said: “We tried a workout programme together.
“I wasn’t telling her to go to lose weight.
“[It was] a team effort, and I feel like I held up my end of the bargain [but] she dropped the ball and just wasn’t motivated enough.
“I wasn’t going to be the jerk to keep her accountable – that wasn’t my role.”
To which a firm Dr Delony responded: “You were just the jerk who was going to walk around with a wife you thought was a lazy bum?
“The challenge here is, the way you’re framing this… It sounds like, yes, there are attraction issues, but… I don’t know many married couples who haven’t experienced this.
“The image attraction changes but the total love in the household doesn’t change.
“So when you say things like ‘she dropped the ball’ and ‘she screwed up’, now you’re getting into character issues.”
‘You’re less attracted to her but it’s a cover’
Addressing what he considered to be the larger issue at play here, Dr Delony went on to say: “My bigger concern is what you’re going to point your finger at is that this is an attraction issue.
“She’s put on 40 or 50Ib and [you] don’t think she’s pretty anymore, she used to be an athlete and now she’s not.
“It’s real, it’s true, you’re less attracted to her – but it’s cover for ‘I think my wife is lazy, I think she’s ripping me off, I think I’m embarrassed when she wears certain things in public because I have an image I want to [maintain].
“Tell me where you are there?”
I’m jealous of the dads and husbands who have the fit wives”
Brian
Brian replied: “That all rings true. I don’t think she’s lazy [but] I think she wishes she had more time, effort and self motivation to work out and take care of things.”
‘She’s just not cutting it anymore’
While a lot of Brian’s feelings went unsaid to his wife, explaining the indirect impact his thoughts would have on Laura, Dr Delony added: “Very few people look at their wife and say you’ve gained too much, you disgust me.
“That level of vitriol is not common.
“What is way more common is your wife knows you don’t think she’s pretty anymore.
“You don’t cut glances at her anymore, you don’t give her hugs anymore, it’s lights off.
“It creates an air… She might not be able to put her finger on it, but she knows you’re ‘out’.
“You can only be who you want to be when you’ve got a group of people supporting you, walking alongside you that you know have your back.
“You don’t think she’s beautiful both physically and… she’s just not cutting it anymore.
“I know that sounds so harsh to hear out loud but that’s where we are right?
She’s gotten the message loud and clear you don’t like her, you don’t approve of her and that’s got to stop. Either that or you’ve got to leave man, because you’re being cruel”
Dr John Delony
Brian agrees, saying: “Right. I guess I’m looking for practical and sensitive ways to even talk about it [or] is this just simply a lead by example?
“We keep an open conversation with our kids about good and bad things to eat and taking care of our bodies – we’ve established that.
“Is there anything more I can do?
“I’m jealous of the dads and husbands who have the fit wives.”
‘You need to do some soul searching’
Ultimately Dr Delony goes on to advise: “I think you need to do some really deep soul searching about whether you’re in this marriage or not.
“I think you need to be very honest with your wife, and I think the conversation needs to be about you not her.
“I think the conversation begins with ‘I am struggling with physical attraction, I’m struggling with the fact I’ve created a house where you’re so exhausted… and that’s on me’.
“The moment you go to ‘you’ve let yourself go’, then by god she’s got to defend herself by checking out of the conversation, and I guarantee you, you’ve got your issues.”
‘There’s going to be tears’
Ending the call, Dr Delony added: “She’s gotten the message loud and clear you don’t like her, you don’t approve of her and that’s got to stop.
“Either that or you’ve got to leave man, because you’re being cruel.”
Brian responds: “It’s all unspoken. I know she senses it and I know she’s unhappy with where she is too so I agree with you.
“How practically can I open up that conversation without offending her?”
Dr Delony replies: “Your whole life with her is an offence, so that ship has already sailed. There’s going to be tears… All that’s going to happen, you can’t avoid that.
“What you can do is speak about you and about what you’re willing to do to create a world where she feels safe and loved.
“Only then can she say, ‘I want to make some changes too’. You can’t hate your body into longterm change.
“This conversation is about you. You’re going to have to be honest.”
Names have been changed.