I’m a family relationship expert – the top five Christmas day arguments and how to avoid them for a stress-free day
IT’S meant to be a time of reflection, of union and a celebration of Jesus’s birth.
But the pressures of providing a modern family Christmas often end up in all out war.
I’m a family and relationship expert and here are the five most common Christmas Day arguments that people contact me about.
And most importantly, I run through how you can avoid all the strife and put the cheer back into Christmas.
‘Who’s paying for all that?’
There’s the decorations, the meal, the drinks, the gifts, the outfits, the stockings, the tree, the crackers and that last minute Christmas jumper – so it’s no wonder the festive period turns plenty of people cold.
Whether you’re fretting about getting your loved ones that perfect gift, being able to afford your Christmas meal with all the trimmings, or resentful that the in-laws always come and demolish your wine and beer stash, if one thing is guaranteed to dampen the Christmas
spirit it’s financial stress.
So rather than ignoring those credit card bills, sit down and work out your budget.
Once you have worked out what you can spend, talk to your family and friends about setting a spending limit and agree on who is contributing what so the financial burden isn’t too much for any individual party.
The festive season is busy with plenty of parties and invitations.
It’s absolutely fine to work out which ones you can afford to attend.
Children in particular can get really carried away with the excitement of gifts, which can put more pressure on parents.
It’s fine to sit them down and explain that funds are limited and you want them to choose one special gift.
Having an open conversation will help them understand the full picture and means you are more likely to avoid the family getting caught up in the materialistic side of Christmas.
‘I’m sick of your family taking over’
Do your in-laws take over the remote, dictate the running order of the day, dominate conversation or over stay their welcome?
Whatever the issue, spending long hours with relatives can put a strain on any relationship and the key here is to pre-empting any fall outs.
You know the pressure points and when something is likely to flare up.
The way to manage these unwelcome issues is to come up with a solution that works better for you.
So talk to your partner and family and if you only want the in-laws to stay for one night, set your stall out, don’t wait for them to tell you how long they are descending for.
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Limit the amount of presents – buying presents for all your family and friends can cost a bomb.
Instead, why not organise a Secret Santa between your inner circles so you’re not having to buy multiple presents.
Plan ahead – if you’ve got the stamina and budget, it’s worth buying your Christmas presents for the following year in the January sales.
Make sure you shop around for the best deals by using price comparison sites so you’re not forking out more than you should though.
Buy in Boxing Day sales – some retailers start their main Christmas sales early so you can actually snap up a bargain before December 25.
Delivery may cost you a bit more, but it can be worth it if the savings are decent.
Shop via outlet stores – you can save loads of money shopping via outlet stores like Amazon Warehouse or Office Offcuts.
They work by selling returned or slightly damaged products at a discounted rate, but usually any wear and tear is minor.
Clear communication is key.
If you really can’t face the TV being on all day in the background, suggest you choose one film together that everyone wants to watch.
With so many people coming together compromise is essential – while they shouldn’t dominate proceedings, neither should you expect to rule every decision.
‘Why does everything have to be so perfect?’
The pressure for flawlessness seeps into every corner of Christmas.
The presents, beautifully wrapped, the turkey moist, not dry, the children clean and behaved, your outfit, festive and fun, and the tree worthy of a home interiors shoot.
It’s no wonder that the lead up to the big day is so blooming exhausting for most.
Talk to others – don’t simmer in silence
Sally Land
Instead of stopping and spending quality time with our loved ones, the all encompassing quest for magnificence can quite simply make everyone miserable.
Children need time and if you’re too busy trying to create the textbook day, they will start to play up as it’s their only option to get your attention.
And plenty of couples fall out over the division of chores.
Typically women take on the lion’s share of the load and then feel incredibly resentful when confronted with the sight of their
partner relaxing on the sofa, night, after night.
The best way to navigate the rising sense of exhaustion, panic or resentment is to remember a happy family is key.
Would you rather your loved ones remember your Christmasses for all the yelling because no one else bothered to think about stocking fillers, or the giggling and laughter because Dad burned the turkey?
Ask yourself, what matters more – that the tree is immaculate, or that the children enjoyed dressing it?
And if you are feeling overwhelmed with the prep, talk to your family about how anxious you are feeling, ask them to take on more responsibility.
Don’t simmer in silence.
Mistletoe and wine
It’s the most sociable time of the year, and is perfectly complemented with the perfect excuse to drink.
But many people don’t stop at a tipple or two and by overdoing it they are more likely to fall out.
We know drinking makes us more argumentative, our behaviour erratic and less in tune with our loved ones around us.
So if you know that you, or someone you love is likely to overindulge at Christmas, have the ‘Let’s not drink to excess’ conversation.
By talking about it together you’re more likely to avoid a booze related bust up.
Together you can come up with drink limiting strategies like planning the day so there are significant alcohol free periods.
Agree to open the fizz later, and perhaps get out and go for a walk.
The holidays are a great time to let your hair down, but getting the balance right is key.
Because there’s nothing quite so sad as children witnessing their parents or grandparents stumbling all over the place.
When’s the down time?
The pressure to perform, socialise and provide over the Christmas period can feel like an assault on our energy levels.
And of course when we’re tired and sleep deprived the smallest issue can loom large.
When everyone’s tetchy, the thought of attending yet another drinks evening, or having the neighbours around for coffee can feel akin to scraping your teeth with sandpaper.
So make sure you’re blocking off time to decompress without any obligation to entertain, get dressed up, or make an effort.
So many of us live far away from family and while it’s great to reconnect over the holidays, it’s also important you aren’t dragging your family up and down the breadth of the country without any time to unwind at home.
We all need down time to snuggle on the sofa, eat an oven pizza and generally unwind.
Your family will thank you for the pyjama days.
If you would like a second opinion on any issue please email my team of counsellors. We answer every single email for free. Email deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk.