My toy boy lover is abusive and blames me for his porn habit

DEAR DEIDRE: MY toy boy lover is abusive and even blames me for his porn habit.

I know I’m not the problem but sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. It’s making me feel really depressed. 

I’m 49 and he’s 38. We’ve been together for three years.

He has a lovely side. He can be kind, loving and fun, and he’s been a good father figure to my young son.

But lately he’s changed. He started going online to look at girls on social media, then to porn sites and chat sites. 

I found out when he accidentally left his laptop open when he got called away to a job.

It was all there, in his search history. It explained why he was always ‘working’ in the evenings.  

When I confronted him, he totally denied it and became really angry and nasty.

Since then, things have been even worse. He’s moody, argumentative and impossible to live with.

He even claimed it was my fault he looks at girls because I nag him and don’t make any effort anymore. 

When I asked him to leave he said he loved me and begged for my forgiveness. 

Yet, within hours he was back on his laptop looking at women 30 years younger than me.

I know this isn’t good for my son, who is 12.

I don’t know what to do. 

DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right – it is not healthy for your son to be around such an abusive man, or someone who is looking at adult content all the time.

But it’s also not healthy for you. This man gaslights you, is destroying your self-esteem, and he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. 

My support pack, Abusive Partners, has more information, which should help you to think this through. 

I think you know you need to end your relationship. He won’t change unless he wants to, and until he gets help.

Until then, you and your son need to be safe from his outbursts.

Read my support pack, Ending A Relationship, for more advice on how to do this.

It sounds like he may have developed an addiction to adult content.

Give him my support pack about this together with the details for the Pivotal Recovery Programme (pivotalrecovery.org), for men who have a porn problem.