60 Dating App First Messages That Won’t Make You Cringe
If you are single and looking to meet someone — whether it be for a casual fling or a long-term relationship — downloading the apps may just be the most efficient way to do so, for better or worse. According to research from Stanford University, meeting online is officially the most popular way for heterosexual couples in the U.S. to get together. But where do you begin? How do you craft the right message to sufficiently get the ball rolling?
“At the very least, make it anything but the dreaded, ‘Hey,’” says Shan Boodram, Bumble’s resident sex and relationships expert. “You wouldn’t start a conversation in real life with just one word so it’s best to treat messaging someone first on a dating app like flirting with them for the first time.”
Not great at the whole flirting thing? It’s okay, we’ve got you covered. First, consider Princeton researcher Susan Fiske’s work around the perfect first impression, says Boodram. “She found that if you want to elicit admiration, begin interactions by demonstrating warmth and then competence,” explains Boodram. “This order says: I’m nice and here’s one of the many ways that I could be additive. So I’ll add to that and say the formula for the ultimate opening move whether you’re online or in real life is: warmth + competence + question.”
In other words, when crafting your first message, Boodram breaks it down like so:
Boom, you have the perfect message! If you still want a few more options to get your creative juices flowing, find some expert-approved ones below:
If you want to send something vulnerable…
From Boodram:
1. Expressing nerves: “Your profile makes me blush …”
2. Expressing how bad you are at sending first messages: “… but your profile makes me want to try.”
3. Being direct: “Hey! Looking to meet people who I’d like to know for a long time and you seem like someone I’d love to get to know more.”
4. Expressing that you’ve been out of the dating pool for a while: “I haven’t been on a date in a long time, but would you help me break that streak?”
5. Expressing that you’re a little shy: “I’m usually not the first to start a conversation but I’m willing to try for you! So … do you like stuff? (ha I promise I’ll get better once I’m warmed up)”
Some more options from the Cut:
6. “I honestly can’t think of anything funny or clever to say. But I like your profile and feel like we might hit it off IRL.”
7. “I know saying ‘hi’ is boring … but I’m really nervous here and you seem great. So, what’s up?”
8. “I’m new at this. Why don’t you hit me with your best opening line?”
9. “Opening lines aren’t really my thing, but you seem great and I just had to say something.”
10. “Looking to find a real connection here, and you seem like someone I might really hit it off with. Interested in hanging out some time?”
11. “I’m going to be honest, your profile had me in stitches and now I’m too intimidated to try to come up with something funny myself.”
If you want to send something short & sweet…
From Boodram:
12. A nice compliment: “You probably hear this all of the time, but your style is so cool.”
13. Checking in on their day: “Just here saving the world one Zoom call at a time — how’s your day?”
14. A quick comment about a similarity on their profile: “I also love xyz!”
15. A good morning to start the day: “Good morning to the most beautiful person I’ve seen today (yes the day just started but still).”
16. “I noticed that you ________ I’d love to hear more about that!”
Some more options from the Cut:
17. “I love [movie they mentioned in their profile.] Who’s your favorite character?”
18. “I love [band they mentioned in their profile.] Have you ever seen them live?”
19. “OK, I simply MUST know more about [something on their profile.]”
20. “I love [activity highlighted on their profile] too! [Add a specific question related to said activity.]”
21. “Wait I love [location of one of their pictures.] When was the last time you were there?”
22. “You seem hilarious. Hit me with your best joke.”
23. “I noticed you [experience they mentioned on their profile.] I need the full story!”
24. “What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?”
If you want to send something flirty …
From Boodram:
25. “You’re hot. I’d love to hear your voice, let’s FaceTime.”
26. “I’m not great at games so what would you say if I asked you to see you this weekend?”
27. “You look like you give really great … hugs :) .”
28. “I really want to hang out with you .”
Some more options from the Cut:
29. “What’s your favorite first date spot and when are you taking me there?”
30. “So, how long are we going to chit chat here before one of us gets the courage to take this IRL?”
31. “I love that you [something referenced on their profile]. Tell me more about it over dinner sometime?”
32. “Can I skip the small talk part and just say I think you’re hot and seem like you have a killer personality?”
33. “You’re hot, I’m hot … it only makes sense we go on a date.”
If you want to send something funny…
From Boodram:
34. A clever joke/humor related to the city you live in or something you noticed you have in common based on their profile: “I see we’re both eldest children — maybe we can get together and discuss strategies for parenting our parents sometime.”
35. Gently tease something on their profile — for example, if they show that they’re a fan of a sports team that rivals yours, you can note the superiority of your fandom.
36. A meme.
37. A recording showing off your singing voice — your match can be the judge of your talent.
Some more options from the Cut:
38. “Hi, I’m ___ and I refuse to admit how long it took me to craft this message.”
39. “Kiss Kill Marry: [insert three random funny options here.]”
40. “Before we go on a date, I need to know: What is your most bizarre restaurant order?”
41. “I see that you’re a [insert sports team here] fan. Same. How do we officially determine who’s more diehard?”
42. “I see that you’re a [insert sports team here] fan. It’s OK, I’m willing to look past that.”
43. “If you had to beat Bobby Flay with one dish, what would it be? (No, we can’t go on a date until I know the answer to this extremely important question.)”
44. “So, where are you taking me on our first date? (Wrong answers only.)”
If you want to send something direct…
From Boodram:
45. Subtle invite: “Coffee sometime?”
46. Conversion starter: “Let’s chat about [xyz on their profile]”
47. Availability: “I’m free this Saturday for a date night. Dinner on me :)”
48. “Why text you about xyz when I can tell you in person, let’s meet up soon.”
49. “Me and my friends are going to ____ on _____. You down to join??”
Some more options from the Cut:
50. “I’m much funnier in person, so we should move this IRL asap.”
51. “Drinks some time?”
52. “Hey! You seem great. I’d love to meet in person.”
53. “You seem like you’ve got some wild stories. Tell me about them over dinner some time?”
54. “Quick. What’s your hottest take?”
55. “If you’re over cyber hanging, I’m down to meet in person.”
If you want to send something research-backed…
“Bumble has a feature called Opening Moves where members can either pick a pre-written conversation starter or create their own,” says Boodram. Below are the opening moves that have resonated with the app’s U.S. users most:
56. What’s your dream vacation destination?
57. What’s your ideal first date?
58. Date night in or date night out?
59. What’s the last thing that made you smile?
60. What’s something I wouldn’t know from your profile?
A few opening messages to avoid…
“Don’t start with one word, don’t neg the other person, and absolutely no commenting about someone’s physicality or any overtly sexual comments without consent from the person you’re trying to message,” warns Boodram. “And it should go without saying, but do not message them in the beginning or ever to communicate that you don’t usually go for people like them (race, height, body type, etc.), but you’re willing to make an exception.”
What do you do when you’re ready to move the conversation offline?
“I think it’s very sexy and powerful to be direct and put the ball in the other person’s court! Most of the time on dating apps, one or both parties are hesitant to take conversations IRL for fear of rejection, being catfished, being vulnerable, and all the other nerves that come with going on a date for the first time,” says Boodram. “When one or both parties are honest and vulnerable about their hesitations and decide to be bold and initiate an IRL date anyway, that signals to the other person that it is a safe space. The best way to translate from an app to going on a date is therefore simple: ask them.” Specifically, Boodram suggests sending something like this: “hey I have Thursday and Saturday morning open this week if you wanna meet up.” Easy.
Now, as someone who wrote Just Send The Text: An Expert’s Guide to Letting Go of the Stress and Anxiety of Modern Dating, basically 200 pages devoted to the message of “be yourself,” I feel the need to add that these are all just ideas to get the creative juices going. You don’t need to copy and paste any of these messages verbatim. Try to go for whatever feels most natural for you, and for whoever it is you’re chatting with. Boodram agrees: “To get the best response rate I highly recommend crafting a unique opening move for each unique interaction — especially the ones you’re really excited about.”
Our Expert:
Shan Boodram, Bumble’s resident sex and relationships expert.
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