Should I confess to my long-term partner that I’ve slept with another woman?

DEAR DEIDRE: ALTHOUGH I’ve never been the unfaithful type, I recently cheated on my long-term partner.

Should I be honest about my infidelity? All her previous partners cheated on her, so I know the truth will break her heart.

The last time we had sex was awful. I lost my erection halfway through because she just wasn’t turning me on.

I blamed it on being tired.

I’m 38 and she’s 35. We’ve been together for two years.

Our relationship was wonderful at the start, and I really thought we were in it for the long haul.

But over the past six months, our sex life has grown stale. We used to do it almost every day, and it was passionate and exciting.

Recently, though, it’s been happening less and less frequently, and it’s felt like I’ve been going through the motions. 

The connection we shared seems to have disappeared. 

Last weekend, I went to a work do, and one of my female colleagues started flirting.

I’ve always found her attractive, but never dreamt I’d cheat.

But we ended up kissing and going back to her house, and the sex was amazing. 

I felt the connection that’s been missing with my partner. 

I can’t see things getting better with my partner, even though I do love her. And my colleague and I want to start seeing each other.

Should I confess I’ve slept with another woman or lie and hope she doesn’t find out?

Which would hurt less?

DEIDRE SAYS: I wonder if your desire to be honest is more about easing your conscience than your partner’s feelings. 

The most useful conversation is the one that addresses the issues in your sex life and relationship. 

But now the damage is done. Telling her you cheated will hurt her deeply – particularly given her relationship history.

Not telling her means you’ll be embarking on a full-blown affair and, if she finds out – which is almost inevitable – she’ll be devastated.

There’s no way for you to come out of this smelling of roses, or painlessly. 

Either you need to stop your affair and work on your relationship, or keep on a path that leads towards someone getting hurt.

Read my support pack, Looking After Your Relationship to improve your communication and a different one, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? may help if you do tell her.

Or think about ending your relationship now, ideally leaving a gap before you embark on your next one.