Let’s Rank Every Charcuterie Board on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Watching The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, it’s very easy to conclude that the only food available in Utah is sliced meat and cheese. The women on this show draw strength and comfort from their charcuterie boards, asking their little arrays of cold cuts and berries to carry them through every social interaction, whether it be a close friend dropping by for a chat or a meticulously planned party for 100. To these women, having a charcuterie-free kitchen island when company is present is akin to walking around without one’s pants, and they think about meats more than Ving Rhames on an Arby’s commercial set.
Ahead of the final RHOSLC episode of 2024, we’re looking back on nearly five full seasons of charcuterie boards, ranked in terms of size, appearance, and narrative contribution. Poor imitators like cheese boards and fruit and veggie trays did not make the cut. The spirit of charcuterie is all about the clear, definitive presence of prepared meat products, and nowhere do these products shine more than in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Jen’s Little Meat Pile (Season 3, episode 2)
Jen presents her mother with this cutting board loaded with capital-S Stuff from her fridge while tearfully and indignantly swearing that she’s done nothing wrong. She would, of course, plead guilty to federal charges mere months later. It looks as though it could be the work of a preschooler learning to sort and group similar objects, but it is, in fact, the culinary craftsmanship of a woman on the edge. A lackluster board for a depressing and deceptive conversation. This is the only board in the whole series that actually feels offensive.
Justin’s Neglected Birthday Boards (Season 1, episode 6)
To the untrained eye, the grocery-store single-use plastic boards on Whitney’s counter might appear to be unremarkable veggie trays, unworthy of attention, but those who dare look closer can see the telltale sheen of soppressata, yearning to nourish the Roses’ guests before they board the party bus to someone else’s McMansion. Very low impact charcuterie, but that doesn’t negate its presence.
Meredith’s Blink-and-You-Miss-It Workout Snacks (Season 2, episode 20)
Meredith has Heather and Whitney over to “work out” by which she obviously means “be strapped to a weird machine.” These boards sit untouched on the counter because Meredith simply cannot have people over without a charcuterie board on hand, regardless of their practicality. By late season two, her knee-jerk reaction to having guests begins to feel almost pathological, a disease that can only be cured by launching a caviar line and holding space for that on the kitchen island instead.
Quotidian Background Board (Season 2, episode 9)
This board is so deeply uninteresting that its presence is actually more clearly felt if you allow yourself to imagine the emptiness of its absence. Take that in. How worried would you be for Meredith in this moment if she hadn’t set out a charcuterie board for one guest who was dropping by for five minutes at the request of the producers?
The Guy-Talk Board (Season 2, episode 5)
The husbands get together to pick at a tiny board in a rustic bar setting while they discuss their sex lives in a scene absolutely no one wanted to watch. These men are always trying to make it happen, and their little charcuterie, paired with a bunch of liquor and more substantive dishes, tells a similar story. They half-ass it. Go big or go home, gentlemen.
Backboard (Season 5, episode 3)
This stealthy board can only be glimpsed once over Britani’s shoulder in the suite at the Milwaukee Bucks game, but it is undeniably present. It’s the second charcuterie board these women have been served — or, rather, the second charcuterie board that has been left sitting on a counter for these women to sort of stumble upon — in the span of roughly eight hours. I honestly don’t know how they do it.
Hot Tub, Cold Meats (Season 1, episode 6)
A human infant grasping its mother’s finger when she presses its palm. A newly hatched sea turtle making its slow trek into the ocean. A woman in Utah building a charcuterie board when someone is coming over to her house. No one teaches these innate behaviors. No thought goes into their execution. They simply are. That’s why this board sits idly as Whitney leads Jen outside for their planned evening in the hot tub. Its creation was untethered to logic, and its beauty lies in the fact that it is synonymous with entertainment, not that it is enjoyed.
Milwaukee Meat Mayhem (Season 5, episode 3)
The girls travel to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and are greeted with this spread. Too much meat. The cheese isn’t sliced. Oh brother. It’s not often Wisconsin gets a chance on a Bravo show, and it blew it. Oh well. At least it has the Waterpark Capital of the World.
The Triptych (Season 3, episode 5)
Three establishing shots of three different charcuterie boards. I will judge them as one because they are wholly disembodied from any creative force and exist only to create an ambience. They’re beautiful, but they lack narrative substance. It’s become clear that Utah has no way to serve hot food, so the women dutifully load up their small plates to fuel their bodies as they sort through the dramas of Heather, Whitney, and Angies both H and K.
The Anchor (Season 2, episodes 17 and 18)
There is a charcuterie board in the middle of the table during dinner on the ladies’ first night in Zion. The chef has also prepared a five-course meal, so the charcuterie board is more a security blanket than anything else. It goes mostly untouched.
Meager Post-Arrest Spread (Season 2, episode 10)
When a friend/co-worker/volatile woman you sometimes have to be around gets arrested by FBI, Homeland Security, and NYPD officers in a parking lot, what can you do besides eat cured meat about it? The full spread offers many options, but it’s significant that the charcuterie board is among them. A little bit of Utah comfort in exotic Colorado. It’s rather sparse for being assembled by a boutique vacation-rental company, though.
Jennie’s Debut Display (Season 2, episode 1)
The introduction of the one-season not-quite wonder Jennie Nguyen brings about the third of four charcuterie boards in the season-two premiere, perhaps foreshadowing her eventual irrelevance. It’s not particularly ornate, but it does offer a prop in which Jennie can ground her harrowing immigration story, gesturing to it and saying “you guys better appreciate what you have right now.” A more elaborate board might’ve driven her point home more definitively, but kudos to her for engaging with it at all.
Jesus Christ and the Platter-Day Saints (Season 5, episode 7)
Britani hosts a church group at her house and provides them with a rather sparse board to nourish their bodies and their spirits after sharing their testimonies. This is exactly the kind of no-nonsense charcuterie board that belongs at a church event. It looks so in its element that it’s almost beautiful. The women don’t really engage with the board, but the rest of the guests absolutely load up. Perhaps, like Britani, it finds more success outside the group.
Lisa’s Solo Board (Season 5, episode 7)
Lisa goes out to lunch with her sister and orders a charcuterie plate. Even while shedding tears over her stresses as a mother, she manages to spear a thinly sliced piece of salami with a fork. Her excitement surrounding charcuterie will continue to be well-documented here, but this choice, to order a personal board at a restaurant mere days after attending a party where the food on hand was exclusively charcuterie drives the point home. She really cannot get enough of the stuff.
Tong City (Season 4, episode 12)
Angie sets out this charcuterie tray, to which Heather says “Ooh, fancy!” Angie dismisses it as “just some little snacks,” and, while it might be tempting to tell Angie to stand up and to take pride in her work, the telltale black single-use plastic indicates that it’s not her work at all. Any bonus points she might receive for her honesty are negated by how distracting her tongs are.
Meredith’s Ostentatious Display for Three (Season 2, episode 14)
No one could guess based on this image alone that Meredith is having two women over to her house. All of this is for her, Lisa, and Jennie. Luckily, no one is more excited by food at someone’s house than Lisa, so the charcuterie gets the attention it’s owed. The wildly inaccurate estimation of how much food should be offered knocks what would be an appealing board a few spots down the ranking. Meredith should’ve let such a lovely board sing.
The Eyes of Dr. S.J. Stealthy Board (Season 4, episode 2)
A charcuterie board at Sarajane’s house sits idly by while Lisa and Angie H discuss the fact that they go to Chick-fil-A at least once a day, though Lisa has been on more of a KFC kick lately. The shallow depth of field in this particular shot tells the story. The board has been forgotten, but its presence looms over everything, not unlike the faded eyes of oculist Dr. T.J. Eckleburg, whose gaze sees all, even quietly desperate Bravo-show guest features that go nowhere.
Meredith and Seth’s Ambience Board (Season 2, episode 2)
Meredith is the queen of having a charcuterie board that’s just kind of taking up space on the kitchen island. She and Seth sit down to discuss Jen liking a comment calling Brooks a privileged twink, among other infractions against him. Important to note that Seth also just brought home more food and it’s only the two of them. How luxurious!
Heather’s Baby-Shower Tower (Season 1, episode 3)
With the second board of the entire series, Heather seeks to set the tone for what Utah means to her: scores of pregnant women, all of them under her employment, eating charcuterie in a pseudo-medical building. None of the Housewives even interact with it, but it’s likely that its presence puts them at ease and allows them to be themselves. And it seems to be tiered, which is an exciting enough twist to bump it up a few spots.
The First Domino to Fall (Season 1, episode 3)
A very meager offering at Meredith’s house when she, Brooks, and Chloe entertain Jen. Beyond being the first board of the series, it offers very little, but it’s an important part of the mise-en-scène when Jen’s high kicks expose her vagina, launching what will become a multi-episode war with then-21-year-old Brooks. This board paved the way.
Shah-mazing Charcuterie (Season 1, episode 6)
Jen offers the third board of the episode at the premiere party for her cousin’s Sundance film, so it could be read as passé and overdone. Instead, it coasts to the middle of the pack on its beauty alone. The fruit and meat balance is perfect. It looks full but not sloppy. Wow. It’s important to note that SUR’s own Katie and Lala are also present, fresh off the premiere of Lala’s film, for which she would go on to lose the Best Actress Oscar to Frances McDormand.
Fruit-Forward and Utilitarian Tray (Season 2, episode 1)
Meredith has Heather and Heather’s big goggles over to see her new house and to discuss giving things another try with one’s husband, as well as the college-application process, two tried-and-true Housewives staples. Heather is notably ravenous après-ski, so the colorful board provides a sort of oasis for her. Finally, one of Meredith’s boards gets some work.
The Glamour-Shot-to-Poot Pipeline Board (Season 2, episode 3)
Another board from Meredith! She’s entertaining Mary and a few friends to select new inventory for her store. We only get this cinematic close-up of the board, but it looks robust. Though we never see a soul interact with it, perhaps its contents contribute to the moment when Mary silences Brooks, who is sharing his woes about Jen, so that she may “poot” in peace.
The Farewell-to-Mormonism Board (Season 3, episode 1)
Whitney kicks off season three with a strong offering, over which Heather gives Bobbie boy advice and Whitney announces her official departure from the Mormon church, which many people assumed had already happened. It receives attention on both the kitchen island and the basement wet bar, and Justin is tasked with gently carrying it around the house and down a flight of stairs. Whitney puts together a gorgeous board, it must be said.
Shabbat Charcuterie (Season 2, episode 1)
Meredith bravely presents the fourth(!) board of the season-two premiere. Or, more accurately, fourth and fifth. She’s very dedicated to the cause, and she really does a good job of ensuring that her charcuterie presentations are colorful and eye-catching. These boards were created in honor of Shabbat dinner with the Barlow family, and it’s fitting that Meredith continues to discuss Jen’s war with Brooks over the same dish they shared when it began. There’s a certain poeticism there.
Après-Ski Outdoor Board (Season 2, episode 5)
Meredith and Heather go skiing together, and when they finally can take a load off and let their snow pants hit the Adirondack chairs, Heather orders two Irish coffees and Meredith requests a “charcuterie,” pronounced in a way only she could ever achieve. This is a rare board where we know its origins. It was asked for by name; it wasn’t just sitting on a counter, awaiting consumption.
Fresh Wolf, Probably Kind of Warm Meat and Cheese (Season 2, episode 8)
Crucially, Angie K is ushered onto the world stage with a multilevel charcuterie board and a photo shoot for Lisa’s sons’ hair-care and lifestyle brand. She immediately sets a tone of service and snacks. Later, Jen’s little plate of soppressata is set aside so she can use her hands while she angrily and loudly denies her verbal abuse of the Shah Squad.
Scottsdale Spread (Season 3, episode 2)
On the first night of their trip to Scottsdale, Arizona, the women are made to feel at home through the signature cuisine of their native Utah: the charcuterie board. Comfort foods like cold cuts and half a kiwi come in handy as the women divulge what they took from the healing exercise earlier that afternoon.
Trixie Meat-el (Season 4, episode 4)
Remarkable restraint is shown at the top of season four, as the first board of the season doesn’t appear until the fourth episode. “Heather, are there dates on that charcuterie plate?” Lisa asks as the women feast on meat and fruit at the Trixie Motel. This offers a unique insight. Lisa approaches a charcuterie board not by seeing what’s available and taking what looks good but by imagining what she would like on a board and simply hoping it exists. This speaks volumes about her character.
Mary’s First Rodeo (Season 4, episode 7)
Mary’s first board of the series doesn’t arrive until midway through season four, but she added a few unique touches, like grilling the pita bread and using a concave serving tray, that make it the perfect dish over which to kiki with Meredith about Robert Jr.’s secret marriage. It’s emblematic of the way Mary makes things her own, and she’s very pleased that Meredith likes her creation.
Jack/Lisa’s Utensil-Forward Mission-Call Display (Season 4, episode 8)
Lisa’s first charcuterie of the series comes exactly one episode after Mary’s first charcuterie of the series, and it’s for Jack’s big Mission Reveal Party. Based on the pride Lisa takes in not being useful in the kitchen, it feels safe to say that she did not construct this. It’s nice to look at, though, and I hope her houseful of Mormon teens enjoyed it.
You’re My Best! Friend! Platter (Season 5, episode 5)
In his post-breakup meeting with Britani, Jared Osmond decides to order “just a charcuterie board” and to “go from there.” The only clear shot of the board is when it’s in motion, a poignantly directed comment on the destabilizing nature of Britani and Jared’s relationship.
Angie K’s Peek Behind the Curtain (Season 4, episode 6)
This charcuterie board is emblematic of the radical honesty Angie K brings to the show. Here, she is pictured unabashedly moving the already curated contents of the black floppy plastic board to a clean, white marble tray that better fits the style she has put forth as her signature. When Whitney and Lisa walk through the door, Lisa is instantly relieved to see the charcuterie board. “Oh my gosh, I love this — all my favorite things!” she exclaims, no doubt a heartening statement to hear from the woman who doesn’t like going to Italy because the food is too fresh there.
Raclette Companion Board (Season 2, episode 11)
This board, served to the women at the rental house in Vail, is presented mere hours (one outfit change) after an entirely different board. This one was constructed by the Rocky Mountain Raclette company as a springboard for Heather to discuss her Mormon missionary work in the south of France. It’s not the star of the show, but it’s unafraid to take up space or to pose the question “What if an apple was sliced like this?” When Mary is offered a tequila shot, she says “No. I want meat.” Boy do I have good news for her.
Adult Stepson Birthday Board (Season 2, episode 1)
Like any maternal figure worth her salt, Whitney sets out a huge, gorgeous charcuterie board to nourish her adult stepsons in celebration of one of their birthdays. She also uses this occasion to announce the rebrand of her skincare line, which is exactly the birthday gift every 26-year-old wants from his 34-year-old stepmother. She then proceeds to drop the birthday boy’s cake (do we ever learn these men’s names?) three times while wearing a bikini. It’s a fabulous scene and a fabulous board, but it doesn’t pull enough focus to rank any higher.
Wear Your Seatbelt! (Season 2, episode 5)
The discovery of this board was incredibly rewarding. This scene is well-known, revered even, for the disturbing whimsy with which Mary delivers the story of a member of her flock who died in a tragic car accident. The fact that the show’s truest symbol of security and comfort, the charcuterie board, bears witness to this story, which penetrates the walls of Whitney’s safe haven and leaves her children’s mouths agape, is an incredible little detail. The board itself is simple. It doesn’t beg for attention. It knows something bigger than itself is afoot.
Angie K Presents: Sharrieff’s Birthday Board (Season 3, episode 1)
Coach Shah’s 51st-birthday party is held at none other than Angie K and Shawn’s sleek dentist-office house, and the food on hand is a series of large charcuterie boards. Angie later reveals that she spent $2,400 on catering for this event, a large chunk of which I have to assume was charcuterie-based.
Expansive Greek Easter Display (Season 4, episode 7)
There are three things Angie K loves above all else: the giant bed that she shares with Shawn and Elektra, being Greek, and serving an enormous charcuterie board to a crowd of 100. Her Greek Easter brunch is the perfect occasion for such a board, though it exists as more of a supporting player to such stars as “Pig On Spit.” Lisa offers her an affirming “Charcuterie’s looking good!” She might actually be the world’s most vocal charcuterie fan.
Butter-Churning Companion Board (Season 4, episode 11)
There is a charcuterie board standing by at Heather’s activity-packed Pioneer Day event. The menu is curated around “pioneer comfort foods,” but the presence of the small-but-mighty board provides the women with a tether to their own time, allowing them to let loose and share which of the other women they’d throw off their pioneer wagon.
Wild Rose Beauty Board (Season 2, episode 13)
Whitney is having a photo shoot for the comically expensive rebrand of her skin-care line, and what better way to thank your brand ambassadors than with an amusingly small tray of meat, cheese, and fruit on a slab of wood? The photo shoot cost $20,000, and it’s unclear how much of that budget went to the charcuterie. It’s nice to look at, though.
Politely Rejected Board (Season 5, episode 13)
“I probably won’t eat anything. I don’t have an appetite. But it’s beautiful.” This is a quintessentially Mary way to react to a charcuterie board being placed in front of her after she let herself into Angie K’s home, frightening her. Turning down food prepared or, in this case, arranged, specifically for you requires extremely impressive boundary setting. Mary has long been an inspiration in that field, and the way she responds to the board negates the fact that it’s another one of Angie Ks grocery-store offerings. It remains dependable and impeccably arranged throughout the heart-wrenching conversation that follows. The tongs continue to distract.
Garbage Trash Whore Board (Season 3, episodes 3 and 4)
The humble charcuterie board proves its versatility at the Garbage Trash Whore Lingerie Party. You can dress them up, you can dress them down, but these women cannot gather without seeing an array of cold food on a big tray. The perfect backdrop for pushing your cousin into a window while she’s already freaking the fuck out. Notice how the charcuterie board holds steady in the foreground while a longtime alliance falls to pieces behind it? Cousins can turn on cousins, fraudsters can go to prison, but the noble charcuterie board holds the center amid a sea of chaos. The one true constant in these women’s lives. This one lacks splendor and doesn’t pull focus, but it contributes so richly to a much larger narrative, which deserves praise and recognition.
Mob Wives Anniversary Display (Season 5, episode 6)
On paper, the theme of Angie K and Shawn’s anniversary party is “mob wives,” but, in practice, it’s “boundless charcuterie board.” The board secured this single-digit spot with its size and grandeur. It offers a welcome pop of color in their white, white home. Despite the fact that it’s not afraid to take up space, one does wonder if it will be enough to satisfy their many guests. They’re very popular people. They run a hair empire for Christ’s sake!
Parking Lot Charcuterie (Season 5, episode 5)
After zip-lining, the dirt-spattered women tailgate in an unpaved parking lot. Only Mary has qualms about this setup. “Oh my gosh! Charcuterie? I love it!” Lisa exclaims while peering into the back hatch of Britani’s car as if she’s buying a fake Fendi with Samantha Jones in L.A. My God, she’ll take it any way she can get it. The board is a perfect representation of this group’s commitment to food in this format, regardless of setting, circumstance, or extreme inconvenience.
Ornate Vacation-House Board (Season 2, episode 11)
Okay, this one’s major. It was constructed by the rental-house staff while the women were out dog-sledding, shopping, and ice-skating, and it’s been built with the intention of recharging them. It sets up a classic, easy Housewives joke about nuts for Jennie, and Heather shares her strategy when approaching a board of this size (build a foundation, then add on). Jennie, Heather, and Whitney are really hands-on and interactive with it, and it offers a window into their minds as they attack the board. Its majesty and the discussion surrounding it bolster its top-five placement.
The Comfort Board (Season 4, episode 10)
In The Giver, Lois Lowry’s 1993 young-adult novel, every child born into the emotionless and predictable Community is assigned a “comfort object,” something they can hold and cherish to calm them in distressing situations. In this unprecedented look inside of Whitney’s mind, we learn that her comfort object is, in fact, a charcuterie board. She tells Lisa that this is her first night off in a long time, and she’s celebrating by making a charcuterie board and pouring wine. Suddenly it all clicks. Making these displays soothes her. It’s not the most ambitious project, but it tells a beautiful story.
Some Like It Room Temp (Season 3, episode 11)
After parading through a San Diego restaurant in a line, each of them dressed like Marilyn Monroe in their own unique, disheveled way, the women sit down at a table that is absolutely covered in charcuterie. Many of them comment on its beauty, and Lisa says that they were just talking about “charcuterie down the table” earlier that day. Based on how often they’re faced with it, I actually would imagine that they discuss charcuterie daily, without fail, so it’s not that much of a coincidence. This restaurant, in fact, exclusively serves charcuterie, and Whitney is the first to point out, nearly three full seasons in, that these women are obsessed with the stuff. The first step is admitting you have a problem.
The Breaking Point (Season 3, episode 12)
Still on their San Diego getaway, a few of the women head to a vineyard, where they are confronted with yet another charcuterie board, roughly 15 hours after eating exclusively charcuterie for dinner. Heather puts up a fight not in the moment but in her confessional. She’s sick of the meat and cheese rolls! She doesn’t want to see a cluster of grapes! She longs for utensils! It’s inspiring to see her stand up for herself like this. It seems that, the night before, she was clocked in the eye so hard that she briefly had a vision of a better world. A world in which someone serves her food that’s been cooked.
The Belle of the Ball (Season 3, episode 2)
Whitney is seen actively preparing this board, proving that each time she sets one of these bad boys on her kitchen island it’s a manifestation of her own creative vision. She even mentions to Meredith that she made it just for her, which impresses Meredith almost to the point of doubt. This opens the door to another question: Does Meredith not make her own charcuterie boards? Or is she simply shocked that Whitney has the expertise to do so? This board receives more attention than any other in the series, inspiring both conversation and several lingering close-up shots. I mean, look at that single, whole pear. That could’ve only been positioned there by the steady hand of a true artist.
This very charcuterie board also contributes to one of the most inspired editing choices on RHOSLC: Meredith planting the idea that Lisa might’ve had an affair and then loudly chewing a cracker under Whitney’s withering gaze. It is the best, most fruitful (lol) charcuterie board of the series.
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