12 Days of Fuck This: 8 Reasons Christmas Markets Must End
People tend to romanticize their meager lives during Christmas. They decorate the inescapable sadness of the world with tinsel and fake trees and force themselves into seasonal activities that Hollywood tries to convince us are magical, but in fact, are hell: Ice skating, staring at lights, singing carols, shopping for someone other than ourselves, and finally, perusing the utter abomination that is the local Christmas market.
I'm sure they're better in Europe (almost everything is), but here? Well, between the crowds and all the overpriced crap, Christmas markets are a metaphor for this godforsaken country. Unfortunately, in a city like New York, one is spoiled for choice. There's the Bryant Park market with innumerable stalls of culinary catastrophes like the lobster cone and the over-boiled gnocchi; the Union Square market where your nostrils will no doubt be inundated with the waft of incense and Swiss cheese; and the Columbus Circle market, which is conveniently located right outside of a mall. Then, there's Rockefeller Center, where you're invited to test the limits of claustrophobia surrounded by screaming children and tourists taking approximately 12,000 pictures of a tree that is, to put it simply, an oversized version of the one in their living room. Having fun yet?
Anyway. You know what's coming. Here's a list of what I most hate.
8. The Crowds: It doesn't matter what day or time it is, for the entire month of December, New York's Christmas markets teem with tourists and the unemployed. I don't hate either (especially the latter), but being shoulder-to-shoulder with hundreds of them for any period of time would summon anyone's inner Grinch.
7. The Food: There are a myriad of options at a Christmas market: gelatinous macaroni and cheese, flaccid bao buns, and things covered in truffle (peelings and oil) that shouldn't be. Unfortunately, all of them are mediocre at best, and no TikTok can not tell me any different.
6. The Gifts: I'm not talking about the local artisans who populate a subsection of many Christmas markets. I'm specifically referring to the silly soaps, knit cozies, and most of all, the generic jewelry that I see on every third street corner at any other time of year. I've never found anything but disappointment (and chopstick art).
5. The Prices: A rainbow grilled cheese for $16.00 plus tax? In this economy?
4. The Lines: Let's just say you wanted to...oh, I don't know, purchase something. Maybe you're the lobster cone kind, or hell, one of your loved ones wants a giant crystal. Good luck, babe! And I hope that's all you want because, by the time you get it, the entire market will be closed.
3. The Smells: The raclette. Enough said.
2. The Cold: I know an indoor Christmas market would technically just be a mall or something, but who in their right mind would willingly paw through items they're not all that interested in as their fingers freeze? No one I want to shop with.
1. The Overstimulation: You know when you're fighting crowds, and it's cold, and everything reeks like cheese, and your purse strap keeps falling? Oh, you don't? Then go to a Christmas market for an absolute assault on all the senses.
If you've ever in your life had an enjoyable time at a Christmas market, I need proof. Tell me about it in the comments.