12 Days of Fuck This: 9 Songs That Make Me Want to Die
At this point, you get it. I have difficulty distinguishing things to enjoy about Christmas. Apart from a few days off and getting gifts, the only element of this godforsaken holiday that I actually look forward to is the music. For the most part, I find it, well, wonderful. Especially the really sad stuff about depression, addiction, grief, and poverty accompanied by cheery chimes and stupid little bells.
But make no mistake, for as many songs as I like, there are way more I find cloying and cutesy. "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer?" Run me over instead. Justin Bieber's "Mistletoe"? Mistle-NO. "O Holy Night"? More like O Holy Hell. Literally anything performed by Michael Bublé? Bub-Nay.
So, on the ninth day of the 12 Days of Fuck This, I've listed some of the songs that make me want to die. If Dolly Parton's "Hard Candy Christmas" helps me cope, these make me mope.
Here they are, in no particular order:
9. "So Much Wine" by Phoebe Bridgers (featuring Paul Mescal)
Let me be clear: I don't hate this song. In fact, I think it's beautifully resonant even if it's not a particularly revolutionary message. Drinking in the hopes of one day being full enough not to notice how very empty you are? Been there. Especially at Christmas. But it's not its lyrics that make me want to die. It's the fact that when Phoebe Bridgers covered The Handsome Family's track in 2022, her then-boyfriend, Paul Mescal joined her on backing vocals. It's bad enough that he's quite good (the man can do everything), but the fact that they're no longer together (and I was rooting for them)? Well, it just means it's ruined forever.
8. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" by Elmo Shropshire and Patsy Trigg
Must I really explain? A little ditty about a man who murders an old lady (even if by accident via one of his pets) is plain perverse. Worse yet: in a recent interview with The New York Times, one of the voices behind the track, Elmo Shropshire, seemed to boast about its success despite it being universally regarded as one of the worst Christmas songs of all time: “It’s kind of the most-hated Christmas song. One reviewer said it had a menacing hillbilly vibe to it. Another said, ‘Sounds like Santa has a tight grip on his throat.’” The critics were right. He, however, is very rich.
7. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by John Legend and Kelly Clarkson
Remember when "Baby, It's Cold Outside" got the MeToo treatment in 2019? I sure do! The solution to its predatory lyrics? A more PC reimagining that was performed by John Legend and Kelly Clarkson, of course. Their version, for example, replaces: “Put some records on while I pour" with “It's your body and your choice." Bleak. Frankly, I'm not fond of either version but I do feel we could've just ignored the original, no?
6. "Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid
There are plenty of reasons to find fault in "Do They Know It's Christmas," and many of them begin and end with Bob Geldof, one of the singer-songwriters behind the song and charity intended to fundraise for those affected by famine in Ethiopia. Did it? Sure. But that doesn't mean it didn't do so without being accused of perpetuating the same tired tropes about those living in Africa—namely via its exploitative imagery and problematic lyrics. Ethiopia is, after all, one of the oldest Christian communities in the world. That its people might not realize it's Christmas—even in a time of suffering—would be fairly inconceivable...to anyone but a white man, apparently. Forty years after it was recorded, Geldof continues to diminish any valid criticism of the song and claims it "has kept hundreds of thousands if not millions of people alive" in Africa. OK!
5. "Carol of the Bells" by Mykola Leontovych
You can't tell me bells have ever sounded more sinister...
4. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" by Gayle Peevey
Before there was Moo Deng, there was Francesca, a 26-year-old pygmy hippopotamus that—thanks to singer, Gayle Peevey—was transferred from the San Diego Zoo to the Oklahoma City Zoo in Peevey's honor in 2017. Peevey, a native of Oklahoma City, struck gold when, at 10 years old, she sang the song we all know and find terribly annoying. As a result, hippos have quite obviously become her calling card, therefore Francesca's arrival in OKC heralded quite the celebration. One year later, the rare hippo passed away from kidney failure and gastrointestinal disease. I don't think that's a coincidence...
3. "Sad Christmas Song" by Miley Cyrus
I like Miley Cyrus. And I really like the concept of sad Christmas songs. So, I should love this, right? Wrong. I don't know what else to write other than it sounds like something I would've posted on Tumblr in 2013. A sample lyric: "'Where's your holiday spirit?' they say / It's taking off on a plane" Told you it was bad.
2. "O Holy Night" by anyone that's ever released a rendition of it (even Whitney Houston)
There are few Christmas songs whose vocal requirements can separate a middling pop star from a vocal mastermind quite like "O Holy Night." However, even when it's executed by the latter, I find my eyes rolling. It's dramatic in its incessant demands for attention. We get it. Christ was born. We proclaim his glory for evermore. Yada yada yada. You don't have to scream about it.
1. Anything ever performed by Pentatonix
I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me.
For everything I dislike, I've found the comment section on these Fuck This posts have been a delight. And as a tried-and-true hater, that says something. So go ahead and tell me what Christmas songs are ruined for you.