The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Pic of the Litter

I think there are people outside of the fandom who expect that all Housewives fans want is women screeching at each other over perceived slights that aren’t even that big a deal, as if our Bravo shows are like professional wrestling but where everyone is wearing heels. I don’t think that’s what we want at all. Well, we want it for sure, but it’s not all we want. Look at this lovely little episode of RHONY where we got a petty fight about perceived slights, but we also got lots of healing, lots of deep conversations, and lots of laughs. It wasn’t all fights, and that’s perfectly fine because at least we got to learn about Jenna Fucking Lyons’s mutant pubic hair that can’t be tamed by man, beast, wax, or depilatory cream.

The biggest healing arc is what happened with Racquel and her mother, Marian, who came to see her after six years. She is clearly nervous about her mother’s arrival and says that she thinks her mother’s long absence is because she’s now in a relationship with a woman. She says that her mother would come up with any excuse not to fly to New York. Her mom said she couldn’t find a dog sitter so Racquel told her to bring the dog. Her mother said she was afraid to fly, and Racquel offered to get her some contraband Xanax. (Just kidding, but it would work.) But she’s sad that she is missing out on a relationship with her mother and that her children don’t get to spend time with their grandmother.

This leads to a deep conversation with Sai about her own mother, who was also Puerto Rican, and how Latina women of their mothers’ generation kept things quiet, swept it under the rug, and hid their emotions. While fighting is much more visually interesting than two women of color discussing how they can stop the cycle of addiction, in Sai’s case, or homophobia, in Racquel’s case, to be better mothers, at least it was real, honest, and revelatory.

When Racquel’s mom finally arrives — with a huge lunch she cooked, including lots of bacalao, which is a salt fish in a tomato stew and different from what Paulie Walnuts would eat every Easter — she seems pleasant enough. All of the women greet her with big hugs and compliments, telling her that she looks like Racquel. Then, mother and daughter have the most relatable conversation that I have ever seen on Housewives: Racquel has to set her mother’s iPad up so that she can FaceTime with her grandchildren. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve had my parents FaceTime me so they could show me what went wrong on their computer for me to say, “How about you shut it off and turn it back on again?” and the whole problem is fixed, well, then I would have enough to afford one (1) item at Jenna Lyons’s stoop sale.

The most hilarious moment, however, is when Jenna comes down late in the morning and is greeted by a short peck on the lips for Brynn because, of course, that is how Brynn always greets lesbians. Jenna tries to kiss Sai on the lips, and she refuses, so she goes around kissing Ubah, Erin, and the others on the mouth as Racquel’s mother, who is obviously uncomfortable around same-sex relationships, looks on, staring into her bacalao and hoping it will turn into a magical portal that will transport her to the nearest Sandals resort. Marian also tells them that Racquel came to visit after Maria, and Jessel is like, “You mean the main character from the Sound of Music? Oh, no. That’s not in Puerto Rico. Maria from West Side Story? Oh, wait. Or do you mean Maria, the woman from the best jam on Radical Optimism? I love that song.” No, she means the hurricane. Marian tells us she didn’t have streetlights for a month and got no help from the U.S. government. She doesn’t say whether or not she got help from BStrong when Bethenny took a wasted Dorinda Medley to Puerto Rico to help after the hurricane, but we assume we would have heard about it if she had.

The ladies go shopping and Brynn, Jenna, and Erin break off from the rest of the group because all Sai, Ubah, and Jessel want to do is take pictures of each others’ outfits. Brynn says that the content is killing her, and I would absolutely sympathize. I only like vacation pictures when I am the one in them too. They go for drinks and then to a shop where Erin is looking for clothing for her husband, Abe. She says he takes a size large, which is weird to me because I am large, and I am definitely bigger than Abe, who seems very slim and svelte. Anyway, Jenna jokes, “There’s nothing large about Abe.” Then Erin says she needs to prove to them that Abe has a big dick and Jenna asks if they can see a pic of it. Of course they do! Erin, being the coolest and funniest she has ever been on the show, whips out Abe’s joint for them and shows it off for an appreciative crowd.

This becomes a point of contention when they meet the rest of the women at The Casita, a Puerto Rican restaurant founded by Gina Kirschenheiter. Ubah gets all mad and says she would get dumped if she showed her man’s privates to her friends. Sai says she doesn’t want to see anyone’s husband’s D and doesn’t have any pictures of her own man’s. I’m sorry, but I am totally Team Look At The D. I will look at any dick pic just because I am curious and an absolute pervert. I’d even peep at a friend’s husband’s peep. Who cares? It’s just a dick. And it was a flash, not like they were examining it like it held a clue to help them get out of an escape room.

Here’s the blessing and curse of having a big dick: everyone in society thinks it’s a great thing, the greatest honor a man can have, but he absolutely cannot bring it up and has so few opportunities to show it off. They have to be Jon Hamm-sized for it to make an impression in pants or as wanton as Justin Theroux in grey sweatpants to really make it public, and that is the extreme end of the bell curve. Guys with big dicks want everyone to know, but they need someone else to do the advertising for them. I have a feeling that whenever the truth comes to attention, as it were, they are happy to have everyone know that, yes, they have been blessed in the best way possible.  (As a proud member of the Growners Not Showers Community, I know nothing of this plight.)

Anyway, I thought it was funny, and I loved watching the ladies laugh around the table first at Erin and Abe’s dicks-capades and then at Jessel’s feet that Sai took pictures of under the table and shared on the group chat in order to tease and shame her. This is fun! These are ladies who enjoy each other’s company! They can make jokes and not have it erupt! I kinda like this show. Can we have more of it, please?

When they return to the house, there is one giant beef that we have to squash, the one between Brynn and Becky Minkoff. I am no fan of Xenu’s favorite Housewife, but I am totally on her side in this whole kerfuffle. The episode starts in the middle of their fight when Becky tells Brynn that she’s a bully and she needs to knock it off. Brynn tells Becky that if she had gotten to know the group, she would know it was a sensitive subject, dragging Ubah and Jessel’s own fertility journeys into this fight. Becky says they have nothing to do with it and that Brynn hasn’t tried to get to know her at all. Brynn says she doesn’t want to fight, and Becky says she can stop then. She’s calm, cool, collected, and deals with facts, which totally defuses Brynn’s argument and the situation.

It takes a turn after shopping when Becky tries to talk to Brynn, who seems to dismiss Becky like she’s a SoulCycle class that no one wants to take. Becky asks to go for a chat, but Brynn says no, as if Becky doesn’t matter at all. Becky apologizes, saying she didn’t know that Brynn was on this fertility journey. Brynn also apologizes for “biting her head off” and says that she should have apologized first because she was the person in the wrong. What? Thirty seconds ago, Brynn didn’t even want to talk to her, so this is a reversal. Becky doesn’t leave it at that, thankfully, and tells Brynn that this was the last in a long string of jabs Brynn had administered (cue the montage!) and that she should have nipped that resentment in the bud and maybe they could have been friends all along.

They hug, baking in the Puerto Rican sun before going back inside to freeze in the Puerto Rican air conditioning. Everything is right with the world; the ladies are happy, the rifts are healed, and we can move on to more boring adventures tomorrow. Oh, wait. What? Three hours later, they’re all going to be at each other’s throats, and Ubah is going to accuse Brynn of sleeping with someone to get on the show? Oh fuck this healing bullshit; give us some Housewives already!