Donald Trump makes Christmas shopping easy! 

Christmas is our favorite holiday, full of good times and good cheer. But we all know the weeks before Christmas can also be a royal pain in the butt: figuring out what to buy for whom, and then braving crowded stores to buy gifts or ordering them online and rushing to retrieve them from the front steps ahead of the porch pirates. 

Merry Christmas! Thanks to Donald Trump, that holiday nightmare is over. He’s made Christmas shopping easy for all of us. Trump’s like a one-man Costco, offering every gift we could possibly want to buy, from Bibles to sneakers to women’s perfume. Trump Inc. is our new one-stop shop. 

Of course, there are snooty sceptics who profess to be shocked by all the Trump merch. It’s beneath the dignity of the president of the United States, they piously argue. You can’t imagine Thomas Jefferson, Ronald Reagan or George W. Bush hawking trading cards or Bibles. Well, that’s true, but maybe that just because Americans then were not as lucky as we are today. 

Looking for a gift for a male friend of relative? Check out the Trump merch website. The list of Trump offerings is exciting and endless. Nothing would make a true Trumper happier than a pair of first-edition gold low-top sneakers (one of only 1,000 pairs made) at the bargain price of $499. Or you could opt for a pair of blue or crypto low-tops for just $299; or green or blue “Trump Victory” high-tops, also $299. Real kick-ass Trumpers might prefer the manly Trump “Landslide” or “Fight for America” kick-ass boots (each pair numbered, only 1,000 pairs), both at $299. 

Your husband, nephew or boyfriend might also want to begin a collection of Donald Trump commemorative gold or silver coins. Or top off their existing collection of digital Trump trading cards with the new, “Limited Edition Official Debate Card,” each of which features a piece of fabric from the suit Trump wore during his June 27 debate with President Biden. And the musicians in your life would surely be thrilled strumming a black, gold or red Trump electric guitar ($1,500 each) or an autographed “American Eagle” acoustic guitar for $10,500. 

For the softer side of men, Trump also has the perfect gift, his latest commercial offering: either the “Victory 47” cologne for men, or the “Fight, Fight, Fight” cologne for men, topped with an iconic gold statue of Donald Trump. Both fragrances, intended only “for men who lead with strength, confidence, and purpose,” sell for $199. 

Trump has got the perfect gift for your women friends, too. Starting with two choices of special women sneakers: the pink low-tops or the lavender or blue “First Lady” sneakers, both for $299. Your girlfriends may also prefer the “Fight, Fight, Fight” perfume for women, or the “Victory 47 Trump” perfume, both made “for women who embody strength and grace, like President Trump,” and both available for only $199. 

Of course, women may prefer to go directly to former first lady Melania Trump’s website, which has a cornucopia of merchandise for sale (everything her husband didn’t yet think of): t-shirts, bobbleheads, jewelry of many types and sizes, sequin pillowcase covers, coffee mugs, wall calendars, Christmas tree ornaments with photos of her and Trump, cocktail glasses and golf balls. You could get a hardcover copy of her new autobiography, “Melania,” on Amazon for $28 — or buy an autographed copy on her website for $299. 

Donald Trump’s also selling merchandise perfect for both men and women. In September, he published “Save America,” his third coffee table book since 2021, autographed copies of which are available on his website for $499. And he’s still offering copies of his “God Save the USA” Bible for $60. Or you can go big for an autographed copy of the Bible (by Trump, not St. Matthew, Mark, Luke or John) for $1,000. 

See what I mean? No need to fight your way through Macy’s or Nordstrom’s anymore. This Christmas, just shop Trump.  

As grateful as I am to Trump for making Christmas easier for us, I must admit that — after placing my order for three pairs of sneakers ($1,497), one electric guitar ($1,500) and two bottles of cologne ($398) — I began to wonder whether we’d elected a true leader or a shady huckster. But I think we already know the answer to that question. 

Bill Press is host of “The Bill Press Pod.” He is the author of “From the Left: A Life in the Crossfire.” Follow him on X @BillPressPod and on BlueSky @BillPress.bsky.social.