12 Santas That Trigger Me: The 12 Days of Fuck This
It’s that time of year again...the stockings are hung by the chimney with care; the yuletide has been made gay; major corporations are laying off the innocent and unsuspecting; and I am fucking miserable. That's right. It's Christmas, everyone.
For those who don't know the lore of my complete and utter disdain for this dreaded holiday, I'll make it short: read this essay. Just kidding. Well, you should read it but I'll explain here too. In 2022, I spoke to not one but two therapists who specialize in holiday-related trauma about my long-held hatred of Christmas. Apart from an entirely universal disdain for spending a lot of money and being forcibly subjected to mostly bad entertainment and only slightly more enjoyable gatherings, I have never earned the right to hate this holiday. And yet, I truly do.
Essentially, there is no one reason. There are several: from capitalism to the passage of time to being cash poor. Pick one.
My feelings, I regret to report, haven't changed. So, this year, I thought we'd do things a little differently. Instead of trying to change, as I did last year, we're going to do as Sheryl Sandberg said and lean in, baby. So, for the next 12 days, I'm counting down the things I hate most about this holiday. It's the 12 Days of Fuck This. Fellow haters? Consider this my attempt at holding space for you.
Scripturally speaking, the 12 days actually take place between Christmas Day and New Year’s Day to represent waiting for the arrival of the Three Wise Men. But because I’m done with the season the second the sun sets on Christmas Day, I’m starting early. Also: I don’t believe in the existence of wise men, nor do I subscribe to the notion of waiting for them to come.
So, without further ado, on the twelfth day before Christmas, here are 12 onscreen Santas. That. Trigger. Me. I'm not talking about the Grinch or Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa. What were they guilty of apart from hating people and drinking too much? I'm talking about Hulk Hogan in Santa With Muscles and Paul Giamatti in Fred Clause.
Pour yourself some eggnog and read on...
The Christmas Story Santa
Photo Credit: YouTube
Doesn't this guy trigger everyone? If not, I suggest you take that up with your own therapist because he should. We don't know anything about this man (save for his penchant for pushing small children down a plastic slide at the mall), but the mystery makes him appear all the more maniacal — not to mention the tight shots of his face and his terrible red nose. At the end of the day, he probably just wanted to clock out (relatable). Every December, I've been known to mock his monotone, ever-so-slightly demonic "Ho...Ho...Ho..." around my parents' house at the slightest inconvenience. Still, my inner child shudders each time he appears on screen.
The Tales from the Crypt, Season 1 Santa
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBZ96whqO2Y
On Christmas Eve, a woman puts her daughter, Carrie-Ann, to bed, then murders her husband to collect his life insurance to lead a new life with her lover. What? I'm sure she had her reasons. Anyway, her plan would've gone off without a hitch had it not been for a rogue patient from the local mental institution...dressed as Santa Claus. Obviously, things don't end well for our heroine.
The Crypt Keeper's closing statement: "Well, how was that for a scream boys and ghouls? Oh, don't worry about little Carrie. This particular Santa preferred older women...in pieces, that is. Well, it just goes to show you be very careful of what you ax for for Christmas. You might just get it."
A woman not getting what she wants? It doesn't get darker than that.
The Elf Department Store Santa
Photo Credit: YouTube
Who among us hasn't sat upon the lap of a Santa that smells like beef and cheese? Don't lie. You've been there. And you can't eat a cheesesteak to this day, am I right?
Paul Giamatti in Fred Clause
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yl5ixjD1UvI
Paul Giamatti's turn as the man in red reminds us that in Hollywood, even a supremely gifted, Academy Award-nominated actor can be forced to play Santa...opposite Vince Vaughn. And as if this Christmas movie couldn't get more cursed, it also stars Kevin Spacey. In fairness to Giamatti, he does his best with the material — a Santa who's written as the burdened brother of a loser (Vaughn, obviously). But frankly, when it's hard enough being holly jolly despite all the horrors, I don't care to see a Santa as overwhelmed as the rest of us.
The Silent Night Deadly Night Santa
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNBJfv5pIdY
A holiday slasher? (Tales is technically humor/camp with horror elements. This is strictly in the slasher category.) Unless it's Halloween, keep it. And a homicidal predator with mommy and daddy issues dressed as Santa Claus? Again, keep it.
Danny Trejo in American Horror Stories
Photo Credit: YouTube
Let me be clear: I love Danny Trejo. And I really love the concept of a mall Santa murdering content creators. But like any narrative imagined by Ryan Murphy, what begins as a smart, deliciously sinister concept — one that should skewer a stupid fixture in the cultural zeitgeist — falls flat thanks to poor writing disguised as camp. The only saving grace is seeing Charles Melton in a cropped drug rug.
The Gremlins Santa
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBEVwaJEgaA
If you haven't seen Gremlins, its heroine (Phoebe Cates) hates Christmas. Why? When she was nine, her father tried to surprise their family by cosplaying Santa and climbing down their chimney with an armful of gifts. On his way down, however, he slipped, fell, broke his neck, and his corpse got stuck, only to be discovered when their family tried to light a fire. Cates' monologue was almost cut from the film given its coal-black subject matter — not to mention the fact that it culminates with her revelation that Santa Claus isn't real. Instead, it remained and traumatized a generation of children (me, included).
Martin Short in The Santa Clause 3
Photo Credit: YouTube
Firstly, there should've never been a sequel (let alone two) to Tim Allen's The Santa Claus. Secondly, look at Martin Short as Jack Frost. You mean to tell me this diva had any interest in stealing Christmas and becoming Santa? Come on now. The Grinch did it already. I don't hate Mr. Frost, I just wish he was given a separate franchise that sees him and his tailored suits being sassy for two hours.
Santa in Home Alone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEDaVHmw7r4
In retrospect, this Santa (portrayed by Ken Hudson Campbell of Underwraps and Coyote Ugly fame) seems pretty cool, actually. But this scene was the catalyst for my own realization that Santa isn't real, therefore he will forever be associated with dreams dying.
Violent Night
Photo Credit: YouTube
In Tommy Wirkola's black comedy, an obscenely wealthy family in Greenwich, Connecticut is held hostage by mercenaries on Christmas Eve. Hey, doesn't get more holly jolly than that, no? Cue a drunken David Harbour as Santa Claus who proceeds to pick off the "bad guys" one by one to give these rich people their Christmas back and continue his deliveries — probably to others who deserve coal. Boo.
Hulk Hogan in Santa With Muscles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWyh6_-qFrw
Hulk Hogan. Enough said.
Santa in Rise of the Guardians
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfvZAz-CUC4
Did you know Alec Baldwin voiced Santa Claus in a children's movie no one saw? You do now. His take is tattooed, tough-as-nails, and...Russian. And you thought his wife was the only one faking an accident in that family? HA.
Until tomorrow, tell me what onscreen Santa traumatized you in the comments.