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Austin Butler as Patrick Bateman? I'm Going to Be Sick

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The year is 2017: Bethenny Frankel lays catatonic on a bed in a Miami hotel suite. She's just learned that her castmate, Countess Luann de Lesseps, is being cheated on by her then-fiancé, Tom D'Agostino, and is given no choice but to deliver the news — with cameras rolling — in one of the most quoted confrontations in Bravo history.

"Please don't tell me it's about Tom," de Lesseps pleads. "It's about Tom," Frankel solemnly confirms. Upon learning the news, de Lesseps paces a hallway, heaves over a toilet bowl repeatedly, and — most amusing of all — uses talk-to-text to accost her fiancé.

"How could you do this to me, question mark," she rasps into the phone. Can you recall the pure, unadulterated (pun intended) anguish? Well, give or take a name or two, de Lesseps' reaction bears a striking resemblance to my reaction when I was told that Austin Butler's been confirmed as Patrick Bateman in Luca Guadagnino's remake of American Psycho.

On Wednesday, Variety reported that Butler would play the business card-carrying, videotape-returning Wall Street weirdo and serial killer written by Bret Easton Ellis and made famous by Christian Bale in 2000. While there had been rumors that Jacob Elordi was being considered to play Patrick Bateman, it appears Butler beat him out of the running. Obviously, I'm sick.

Few other details have been announced at this time but apparently, it's promised to be “a whole new interpretation of this potent and classic IP.” While I have full faith in Guadagnino, it's safe to say I have considerably less trust in Butler. Before you start to protest: I know he was a perfectly game villain in Dune II. I'm also aware that he made me cry a little in The Bikeriders. But I'm drawing the line right there. No one will ever convince me that his Elvis wasn't totally cartoonish let alone worthy of an Oscar nom. And if we're really being honest here, given how disturbingly method Butler is, I'm not even certain it's safe to cast him. I wouldn't put it past him to start kicking homeless people and hacking up women. Just kidding. Kind of. The man still occasionally speaks in an Elvis accent.

As a longtime fan of the original — particularly of Bale's tour de force performance as the titular psycho — I'm skeptical of any reinterpretation by nature. When the original is as good as it is, is a more modern take all that necessary? I think not. Nor do I think Butler has a skillset on par with Bale's. Can he do weird? Sure. Can he do charming? Occasionally. But can he do pettiness, narcissism, and complete disdain for much of humanity? I can't help but fear it might be a bit too surface-level for what this very singular character requires.

Fortunately, others feel my pain.

"Austin Butler as Patrick Bateman is so uninspired…he has such Paul Allen face," one person tweeted. "honestly idk if i even wanted jacob elordi as patrick bateman, but austin butler just does not feel right to me," wrote another.

Had my input been considered, I would've been excited for Elordi. (If Euphoria wasn't proof enough he could portray a cold-blooded sociopath, I don't know what is...) Meanwhile, the terminally online were also gunning for Drew Starkey, Robert Pattinson, or the Menendez Brothers aka Cooper Koch and Nicholas Alexander Chavez.

Now, I'm not saying I won't be seated at the first screening. Knowing Guadagnino, he'll dial up all the homoeroticism and commission J.W. Anderson to make a slicker for Butler to soak with the blood of his fellow yuppies. And while I'm certain that the press cycle will be insufferable, I wouldn't dream of missing it. But so help me, if Butler is bad...I will be talk-to-texting a blog about it in the theater.