My husband used my disability to get away with abusing me

Forced against the living room wall, Jennifer could feel the grip around her neck tighten as she struggled against the force of her husband. 

After more than two years of sexual and psychological abuse, the 57-year-old had become used to these outbursts which were often accompanied by name-calling and threats of violence.

Jennifer, who is going by a pseudonym, lives with mild learning disabilities and despite recounting previous instances of strangulation by her ex she was, until now, unaware his behaviour constituted domestic and sexual abuse. 

‘I remember meeting him in a pub and thinking he was the bee’s knees; he was considerate, kind and helpful. I couldn’t fault him,’ she tells Metro. ‘I remember thinking he was the one.

‘We moved in together quite soon after we met, but it wasn’t too long after that the relationship began to change.’

Finally able to break free from his grasp, it was only when Jennifer fled to her local solicitor who called the police and arranged for her to stay in a refuge for domestic abuse survivors that she realised the danger she was in. 

‘At the time, I didn’t know I was being abused,’ she admits. ‘I knew he was being horrible, which was making me unhappy, and I ended up having to visit the doctor because of what he was doing to me.

‘There were times he would force himself on me sexually, too. I’d say “no” so many times, but he wouldn’t accept it and I was forced to give in. The abuse got to the stage that I was regularly taken to hospital and kept in overnight for broken wrists, broken legs and other injuries.’

Reporting her husband was equally terrifying for the single mother. On several occasions she made appointments with her GP so she could discuss her injuries and the real reason behind them, but she would end up too scared to reveal the truth as he would always come with her.

‘I couldn’t tell the doctor what my husband was doing to me because he was always in the room,’ Jennifer explains. ‘He thought I was going for routine medical check-ups or other health issues. I couldn’t explain the real reason why I had made an appointment. 

‘I wanted to get out of the relationship, but I didn’t know how to escape. I’d often thought about suicide because the abuse had become so bad and I felt so alone. I did try to take my life on a couple of occasions. He knew this but just laughed at my distress.’

Looking back, Jennifer believes she was exploited, with her ex using her disabilities as a way to seize control of her finances and restrict her independence. 

‘He thought he could do what he wanted to me because I was vulnerable and I’m sure he wouldn’t have done what he did to me to other women,’ she explains. ‘He controlled my money. Without me knowing, he’d gone to the bank and told them I couldn’t pay bills because of my learning disability. He had everything transferred into his name.’

It’s a disturbingly common fact that disabled adults are more likely to experience domestic abuse and sexual violence than those without a disability – and are also less likely to report it when they do.

Data published by the Office for National Statistics in March 2021 found disabled people were nearly three times more likely to have experienced domestic abuse in 2020 than non-disabled people. 

According to the figures, rates of abuse were particularly high among adults with learning disabilities. Separate ONS figures revealed rates for disabled women experiencing sexual assault more than doubled since 2014, increasing from 2.6% to 5.7%. 

An investigation into whether an adult may be at risk of abuse or neglect – called a section 42 enquiry – is carried out by a local authority to decide what action is required to protect an individual facing harm. 

Statistics published by NHS England last year reveal more than 37,500 section 42 enquiries were carried out by local authorities across England between 2018-22.

Although Jennifer was eventually able to escape from her abuser, the criminal investigation into her ex was dropped.

‘The police told me that the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) weren’t going to be taking action against my husband because there wasn’t enough evidence,’ she recalls. ‘The police had taken a statement from me and my solicitor, as well as pictures of my injuries. I felt angry and I remember thinking, did they want me dead first?’

According to Holli Waterson from LimeCulture, a specialist sexual violence and safeguarding organisation, survivors with learning disabilities may feel unable to tell anyone about their abuse, but when they do, disclosures are not always acted upon, with unfair judgements made on their ability to ‘cope’ with the criminal justice system.

‘This is dangerous, it leaves vulnerable survivors without specialist support, feeling like they have not been believed and that the criminal justice system is inaccessible to them,’ Holli tells Metro. ‘Services must be properly upskilled to support survivors with learning disabilities.

‘Sexual violence is massively underreported, but a survivor with learning disabilities is more likely to experience sexual violence and much less likely to speak out, access support and see justice – this is unfair, unjust and must change’.

It wasn’t until Dawn had been married for more than 17 years that she realised her relationship was an abusive one.

‘To me abusive relationships were when someone beat you up, and my ex didn’t do that,’ she tells Metro. ‘It wasn’t until later in our marriage that I started to stand up to him, and that’s when everything escalated.

‘He used to put me against the wall and give me bruises on my arms followed by really intensely angry looks, that was incredibly intimidating and scary. But he wasn’t beating me up, so I even used to defend him if anyone ever approached me about it because I didn’t understand what it was.’

Dawn, who is also going by a pseudonym, experienced severe bullying at school because of her autism and met her ex when she was just 16-years-old. She recalls how her future abuser had already begun to display signs of coercive control.

‘I had dreams and ambitions, but he got me to choose between him and those. I thought this was normal because I didn’t have anyone to bounce ideas off,’ she explains. ‘I made the wrong decision in following what was in front of me and the fear of losing him. 

‘I always had the feeling in my gut, but I didn’t understand what he was trying to do. When we got married, there were a lot of red flags. There was one instance in particular where I’d put on some weight while taking the pill. I remember him standing me in front of the mirror naked pointing out to me how ugly I had become.’

Isolated from her friends and family in a rural village, Dawn’s ex gradually ramped up the severity of his abuse into a toxic combination of psychological manipulation and sexual violence.

‘Looking back, I realise I was raped, but I didn’t even know that’s what is was at the time,’ the 47-year-old recalls. ‘There was an instance where he came home from work one afternoon with a car full of work colleagues. He came in and forced himself on me and once he’d finished, he got back into the car and went back to work. After a while, I just stopped trying to say no.’

For the mother of three, who began caring for her severely disabled brother following the death of her parents, the abuse reached boiling point when she discovered her husband had had an affair with her best friend.

‘It was constant denial, and then he would admit certain facts. So, it was real psychological abuse,’ she recalls. ‘He’d say I was mentally ill and that I needed to take medication. 

‘I did end up having a breakdown due to the sheer pressure and grief of having lost both my parents and taking in my brother.’

Dawn eventually divorced her husband and, with the support of an independent domestic violence advisor, found the courage to report more than two decades of abuse.

But while the police organised a video interview and even seized a letter in which her ex admitted to raping her, Dawn explains it was the CPS that prevented her case from preceding to court. 

‘They seriously let me down because they said that I’d left it too long to report my husband and that I didn’t have evidence,’ she explains. ‘My husband had come up with a plausible excuse that I’d made him write the letter, which is not true. 

‘It impacted my credibility and, coupled with my autism and not being able to put events into a linear order for the police, made me look unreliable. And when someone articulate like my ex comes along and denies what happened, you find yourself trapped further, disbelieved and with nowhere to go for help.’

Following their ordeals, Dawn and Jennifer received support from The Women’s Centre Cornwall, a charity with more than 27 years’ experience of supporting women and girls living with the impact of sexual violence.

Now, they work with the charity’s DIVAS peer-to-peer group to raise awareness of the issue among women with disabilities and autism, while helping to produce an easy-read version of the DASH (Domestic Abuse, Stalking, Harassment and Honour Based Violence) Risk Assessment. 

Nevertheless, recent events have left them both feeling failed.

‘It’s taken a long time for me to get any support to help me deal with the abuse I’ve suffered in my life, and I feel angry and let down by the police,’ says Jennifer. ‘The medical evidence of my abuse was there, but they didn’t proceed. I wanted my ex to go to court and to be convicted, but nothing has happened.’

‘The injustice has been overwhelming,’ Dawn adds. ‘Five years ago, a smear campaign initiated by my husband re-ignited, and as a result I was ostracised by my community.

‘I’m having to completely rebuild my life again. I’m having flashbacks and reliving the trauma of being let down with nothing being done about the abuse.’

Dina Holder, Community Engagement Manager at the Women’s Centre Cornwall, says the consequences for those with learning disabilities who have experienced domestic abuse and sexual violence can be life-long. 

‘We know that women with learning disabilities and autism continue to experience many significant barriers to support and justice following experiences of gender-based violence and abuse,’ she tells Metro. ‘This is often compounded by the fact that if they recognise that they’ve been abused they do not want to ask for support or report gender-based violence due to fear of negative assumptions about their abilities and frightening legal processes.

‘This is a situation that must change and why we are working to speak out against these injustices and to change policy and practice.

‘Improving awareness and understanding of communication and support needs will support other women to have the right support and not fall through the gaps.’

The Home Office has been approached for comment.