Please Show Me Your Spotify Wrapped

Each year since December 2016, I live, breathe, and ache for the arrival of a day I hold in higher esteem than my birthday, the start of a new year, or a Real Housewives premiere: the day in which I'm not only able to share my Spotify Wrapped data but am invited to study yours and sonically psychoanalyze you.

You see, I have a silly little theory. The results of your Spotify Wrapped are as revelatory as your astrological chart, and the experience of posting them for all your followers? It's as wholly self-indulgent as sharing your Co-Star daily horoscope. Still, no matter who a person is to me — my beloved bodega man or a girl I met in a club bathroom in 2014 and keep meaning to unfollow — I am Sigmund Freud on this day. Oh, Brat is in your Top Albums? Every third she, they, and gay would say the same. "Sympathy is a Knife (featuring Ariana Grande)" is among your playlist? You're an annoying Pisces. But you went through it this year and therefore, I have to wonder why. If "Not Like Us" is your Top Song, I am both afraid and in awe of you, and if any part of an Alexandre Desplat score between 2009 and 2019 is among your 2024 stats...you work remotely and have a rich interior life. Good for you.

Now, while some claim not to care about their friends' and foes' results, I'm here to say they're all liars. You mean to tell me you're not the least bit curious about what your boss is listening to every day? I haven't seen my own boss's data yet but I can write with confidence that it's partially if not entirely comprised of Taylor Swift. Will I still gawk with glee at her Top Tracks? Absolutely (even though I would bet my salary that one of them is "Cruel Summer"). [Editors note: This is all correct.]

Do you not get a little giggle at your lame ex posting as if he personally discovered Fontaines D.C. even though he just started listening this year on your suggestion? I do! Isn't it your right to raise a brow at the most heterosexual girl you know's sudden interest in Chappell Roan? I think so! As the world continues to burn, what else is there to bond us but song and sheer curiosity???

Despite the fact that no one asked, here's a sample of mine. My Top Artists are as follows:

1. Maggie Rogers: What can I say other than she was absolutely robbed of Grammy nominations this year? And I have a crush on her.
2. Charli xcx: Even the coolest that walk among us are a little bit basic.
3. MUNA: These gays didn't deliver any new music as a band this year and yet, they still lived in my head rent-free. Your faves (unless they are also MUNA) could never!
4. Chappell Roan: Obviously. But just know that I was here long before "Good Luck Babe."
5. The Japanese House: Amber Bain most underrated lyricist...ever?

In conclusion: I got comfortable with my bisexuality this year. See? Look how much you can glean from a single list! UPDATE: After the first round of edits on this blog, my boss shared her Wrapped with me (after I promised not to be mean about it) and I was right.

Her Top Artists are as follows:

1. Taylor Swift
2. Gracie Abrams
3. blink-182
4. Sabrina Carpenter
5. Charli xcx

In conclusion: Her list made me realize that Sabrina Carpenter was absent from all of my Wrapped lists because I refused to listen to Short n' Sweet until a month ago thanks to an affliction that causes me to resist what's popular before I make it my entire personality. Rest assured, I have designated that period as "B.C." (Before Carpenter) and, as an official fan, am now living in "A.C." (After Carpenter). Also, I now have to go to the emergency room because #2 actually made me bite through my tongue. [Editor's note: Hurts to be a hater.]

Another example of how crucial these lists are? In 2019, I dated someone on and off and then underwent a traumatic heartbreak after I learned they were seeing someone else. My Top Songs that year charted every moment of lust (Cautious Clay's "Cold War"), longing (the Cowboy Junkies' "Dreaming My Dreams With You"), and pathetically low point (Dolly Parton's "Here You Come Again") in the relationship. Frankly, I probably would've kept going back to the guy if I hadn't seen his results (almost entirely EDM) posted on his Instagram story. While I thought I was starring in a Nora Ephron decades-spanning, will-they-won't-they romdram, he was starring in...Project X. You get it.

In conclusion: It's important that I see your results in the comments — you know, for science. And yes, I will probably ask at least one potentially intrusive question about your personal life.