Barry Tompkins: The doctor is in — fixing the 49ers

“Hello friends. I’m Dr. Getagrip and I’m here to solve whatever are the ills of our home town football team. Nurse! Who’s our first patient?”

(The coach) “Hi Doc. My name’s Kyle and I’m the guy where the buck stops.”

(Doc) “Hi Kyle, I’ve been expecting you since you started collapsing in the fourth quarter. What seems to be the biggest problem in that regard?”

(Coach) “Well Doc, the only thing I can think of is that my watch is broken.”

(Doc) “Of course, that’s not a good thing for a football coach. What exactly is wrong with it and how does it effect your team?”

(Coach) “It only operates for 45 minutes.”

(Doc) “I see. And after that?

(Coach) “It just doesn’t function properly, and the other coach keeps texting me, ‘Time is up’.

“And last week it flat out quit on me. It didn’t work at all. This has been very hard on me Doc. You know I’m a genius and it’s very difficult to sustain that well deserved title, so I need your help. Is there a pill I can take or something?”

(Doc) “Oh, I know how tough it is to be a genius. I suffer that same fate. But, as brilliant as I might be, there is no pill that can get you a strongside linebacker, an interior defensive lineman, or a center and right tackle on the offensive line. Those things would require surgery.

“And, so long as we’re talking surgery, you seem to have two of the best offensive players in the league playing on one leg each.”

(Coach) “You’re right, Doc. We thought about Christian McCaffrey and Trent Williams sharing their one good leg, but it made CMC walk with a limp and made Williams six inches shorter. That has been troublesome this season.”

(Doc)  “I also think that special teams has been something of a problem this year. My research tells me that the name, “special,” is a mental block.

(Coach) “Sadly, I have to admit that’s true, Doc. Being referred to as ‘Special’ has a different connotation than it should have. It goes back to grammar school, I think. ‘Please take care of our little Rocco – he’s special!'”

(Doc) “Exactly coach, I’m going to prescribe a name change for ‘Special’ teams that should help. Let’s try ‘Do the best you can’ teams. Maybe give that a try – you can’t do any worse.”

(Coach)  “Oh, we can do worse, believe me. Now my quarterback is having shoulder discomfort, and my best defensive lineman is struggling with a hip.”

(Doc). “Your quarterback was in here just before your appointment asking for a diagnosis of his shoulder discomfort. Seems he has a case of Charles Atlas Disease. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders. This disease is usually caused by being under constant siege and the trauma that comes with looking up for the first time in the pocket and seeing someone wearing a different colored jersey than the one he’s wearing.

“As to your best defensive lineman, I believe the hip pain is caused by the weight of the MAGA hat he was fined for wearing during a post game news conference after the Dallas game. He should be better in four years.”

(Coach) “Thanks Doc, I really appreciate your taking on our case. I know I’ll feel better soon. Incidentally – can I borrow your watch?”

(Doc) “Sure Coach. I’m confident the genius will come back and you might want to consider sitting down with your pal John Lynch, and ask him (nicely) if he might be able to find you a few better players.

“In the meantime, why don’t you just get away from it all for a while. I hear Buffalo is fantastic this time of year.”

Scribblings in a notebook

• Our two former Pac12 schools – Cal and Stanford – were picked to finish 16th and 17th in the 18-team ACC pre-season poll of writers. Don’t get me wrong here – neither of them is likely to be going dancing in March, but it’s worth noting that eight games into the season, the Bears are 7-1 and the Cardinal is 6-2.
  Both have coaches who can, and have, been winners. Mark Madsen is in his second year at Cal. The Bears improved last year, and they’re better this year. Kyle Smith – in his first year at Stanford – has won at Columbia, USF, Washington State, and now at Stanford. Two guys who can coach, and maybe equally important, two good guys who deserve a good result.
  It’s way early, but a round of applause to both from this little corner of observation.

• And in keeping with the season of Thanksgiving, I want to present the Turkey-of-the-Year Award to Blake Snell. He signed with the Giants last season with the idea of building on his previous success after a down year. So, he didn’t bother with Spring Training and didn’t win a game until the leaves started to turn. Then he was magnificent while being on the “also-ran” list in terms of clubhouse popularity.
  His magnificence earned him a free ticket out of town with the option of procuring a get-rich-quick contract that borders somewhere around the National Debt.
  Two things happened. The Dodgers got better, and so did the Giants’ clubhouse.

OK, that’s it. Next up, Christmas. Now where’d you put the Alka Seltzer?

Barry Tompkins is a 40-year network television sportscaster and a San Francisco native.  Email him at barrytompkins1@gmail.com.