Survivor Recap: Wobble, Wobble

It’s the day before Thanksgiving. Most people are off spending time with their families, hopefully giving those families 120 percent. If anyone is working, it’s hardly at all — they’re at their desks, phoning it in, waiting until Cyber Monday for something exciting to happen. The same seems true for this episode of Survivor. While it’s much better than the episodes stitched together with unused footage that the franchise used to air around the holidays, it’s not much better. Besides a somewhat tense immunity challenge, most of the episode spun its wheels, waiting for the inevitable vote. I really like the 90-minute format, but when there’s as little going on as in this episode, it feels longer than the line at airport security on (well, would you look at that) the day before Thanksgiving.

As the episode starts, Sue feels left out now that her No. 1 ally, Gabe, got voted out the night before, and she was the only one who wasn’t in on the plan. She’s initially pissed at Caroline, saying that she is a loyal player and doesn’t know if she could trust someone who she felt betrayed her. In a smart social move, Caroline goes to Sue immediately and lets her know why she voted as she did. She tells Sue that she saw herself making moves that would keep Gabe around, that would benefit his game, and so at the end, if she made it to the end, he would demolish her like we’re all about to demolish some Stove Top stuffing on Thursday afternoon. Sue seems swayed and heartened that Caroline reassured her that they’re still each other’s No. 1 ally.

At the water well, they find three other players to get together with. Excuse the extended Thanksgiving metaphor, but it is really a leftovers alliance. Sue and Caroline have been cut loose now that Gabe is gone; Teeny is still reeling from the loss of Sol and the betrayal of Genevieve; Andy has been discounted from the very beginning, when he had a fit of the vapors at the first immunity challenge; and Rachel has been adrift since losing Sierra and Anika on the yellow tribe. (Buku? Tofu? Luba? I’m so glad I don’t have to remember anymore.) They decide that it can be the five of them against the three they see as threats: Kyle, who has been winning challenges like he’s Super Mario and has an all-you-can-eat buffet of stars; Genevieve, who is so crafty that she could make a dream catcher while voting everyone out; and Sam, who, I don’t know, is young and fit, so they’re worried about him for some unfounded reason.

Before the challenge, there is a journey, and the only people who want to go are Sam and Genevieve because they know that they’re at the bottom and need one of Jeff Probst’s patented magical interventions. Rachel also puts her hat in the ring, even though producers don’t usually allow anyone to have a hat. She ends up picking the right rock and goes to play a game. It’s a puzzle with five rows and a bunch of balls. There is nothing Jeff loves more than having lots of balls around all the time so that he can say balls and all of us at home can chuckle. Balls. Anyway, the table puzzle is connected to a bunch of string, which is tied to some weights; as the weights sink, it will eventually pull the table right into the ocean. Um, hello. Dramatic much. What is this challenge — a teenager who has been grounded from YouTube for a week? That’s the level of attitude it’s giving.

Anyway, Rachel completes the puzzle, doesn’t lose her vote, and gets the advantage, which is a Steal-a-Vote, the unwanted cousin of Whac-a-Mole. Back at camp, she tells everyone that she failed the test, the table went into the ocean, and the Fijian government issued a warrant for the challenge team’s arrest for polluting the ocean directly off the coast of their fair island. To this season’s credit, it hasn’t nearly been as bogged down in tricks and advantages as some past seasons, and we’re barely seeing them factor into the gameplay, which is a revelation.

Next up is the challenge, and we’re really waiting to see whether or not Kyle can pull off his fifth win, putting him in a tie with several other players for winning the most individual challenges in one season. It’s the classic challenge in which there is a wobbly table, and the players have to hold a rope and stack a bunch of tiles on it, saying “IMMUNITY.” As always, some players go fast, some players go slow, but here’s one thing about them tables: They turn. But, also, they wobble. Kyle, Genevieve, and Sam get close. Wobble. They’re done. Teeny gets close. Wobble. She’s done. Sue gets close. Wobble. Wobble. Wobble. Finally, Rachel gets very close and is edging her way back to the end of the challenge, and Kyle picks up the pace, waiting for a wobble that never comes. Rachel gets to wear the world’s ugliest immunity necklace that probably has rabies, scabies, and inconsolable babies.

Before we can talk about the inevitability of Kyle going home, can we take a quick detour to talk about Sue’s face? I’m not talking about her appearance. I think Sue is a beautiful woman, not just for her age but point-blank. But why is her face always so dirty? That is not a rhetorical question. I want to know. [Editor’s note: Sue claims she was “contouring with dirt.”] We have seen 47 seasons of Survivor, and never has anyone looked as if they started using grime as concealer. Yes, everyone looks skinny, haggard, and a little bit filthy, but not in the way Sue normally looks filthy. Can we send her to the sanctuary where good things happen, sponsored by Dove, so that she can wash her face?

Did Sue wash her face because her once-and-forever nemesis, Kyle, was definitely getting voted out? We all knew this was happening, right? There were some good-faith efforts of people within the core five to vote out Genevieve, especially from Rachel and Andy, who see her as a much bigger threat than Kyle, but no one listened.

Andy was the most persuasive, trying to sway Teeny and Caroline with logic and statistics, and like a Black Friday sale on DVD players, no one was buying it. I’m with Andy, however. I don’t think immunity really matters that much. Sure, toward the end it can have a big impact, but at this stage of the game, it might change the order in which someone goes home, but it is not going to save their game entirely. To Andy’s point, all the players know that the record for winning challenges is five. We know this because Jeff said it after Andy’s fourth win. If the record for six challenges hasn’t been broken in 47 seasons, then the best Andy could hope for is one more win, and as Andy calculates, even that is a small probability. So even if they voted out someone else this week and Andy won the following week, the five would still be able to eliminate him after they got rid of Sam and Genevieve. Again, the win might change the order but not who’s going.

Also, Andy and Rachel are totally right that Genevieve and her style of play are more dangerous than playing in the street during rush hour on a rainy day. Even if she doesn’t win, she will find a way into different groups, get them to change their votes, and somehow make it to the end. Also, if Genevieve, who has big moves on her résumé, could show that she could survive until the end, she is a shoo-in for jury votes. Andy is right that Kyle doesn’t have a good game and is just good at challenges. If he somehow managed a record-setting sixth win and made it to the finale, he would just say, “Well, I was good at challenges,” and I don’t think any jury in the new era would cut him the check just based on that.

However, I say this from the comfort of my warm home, phoning in a recap, because it is the day before Thanksgiving and that’s what we do. I’m sure if I were out there, I would be much more like Teeny and Caroline and think, It’s stupid if we don’t get him out now, because there might not be another chance. So, yeah, I get it. They made the decision that was right for them.

Tribal seems moot at this point, and though Genevieve is quietly stewing, thinking it’s going to be her since we didn’t see anyone even considering switching their vote, we know what all the votes were going to be, except for Kyle’s weird vote for Teeny, which makes little sense. Kyle gets kicked off, a fresh-faced Sue orgasmed so loud that even the table on the bottom of the ocean heard it, and Kyle hugged everyone on the way out, a class act until the end. Maybe he can make it home to his family for Thanksgiving, because it’s not like he really missed any excitement this episode.