DoD prepares brief for incoming SECDEF Pete Hegseth on who the fuck Pete Hegseth is
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has begun preparing versions of current Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin's daily information briefs for incoming Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to answer critical questions, such as ‘Who the fuck is Pete Hegseth?’, sources confirmed today.
"The purpose of these briefs is to facilitate a smooth transition of power by ensuring incoming defense officials begin on day one fully informed about the answers to current requests for information from outgoing defense officials," said Lt. Col. Cody Branch, the action officer responsible for compiling a brief in response to a memo from Secretary Austin with the subject line, "Who the fuck is Pete Hegseth?"
"Though these briefs may seem very routine, they can be very complex in practice," Branch said. "Information can be classified and require redaction, for example, if it might reveal the sources and methods used to obtain it. In other cases, it's just very obscure and not easily obtained without the resources of the Department of Defense and the wider intelligence community."
According to Branch, extensive labor-intensive research was conducted to get more than cursory details of the military and organizational leadership experience of this little-known Army National Guard officer, Pete Hegseth. After a relatively unremarkable company-grade career in Iraq and Afghanistan, Hegseth seems to have transitioned to a career as a character actor at sports and entertainment broadcaster Fox Corporation.
“That's the kind of information incoming Secretary Pete Hegseth is going to want to be aware of right away while everyone else in D.C. is chasing their tails, asking questions like, ‘Who the fuck is this Pete Hegseth guy?' What, if anything, separates him from the tens of thousands of other company grades who did pumps in Iraq and Afghanistan, then went back to civilian life and one day got a letter saying they had accrued enough seniority to automatically be promoted to major in the Inactive Ready Reserve? Has he done anything that suggests he can lead an organization with millions of members? How about hundreds of thousands? Tens of thousands? Thousands? Hundreds? Which alliances and partnerships does he want to develop, and in what ways? What does he see as the big gaps in access, basing, and overflight that he wants to work with the Secretary of State to close? Which potential enemies does he see as posing the greatest threat to the United States, and which of their capabilities does he find most concerning? Can he find them on a map?’"
Branch stopped to take a drink of water.
"What are his concerns as he prepares to navigate the Planning, Programming, Budgeting, and Execution process? Does he even know what that is? Has he ever physically been inside the Pentagon? Has he at least driven by it? Does he know what shape it is? What do his award citations actually say? What does he look like? Does he have priorities for strategy, legislation, or joint doctrinal development? Has he authored any strategy, legislation, or joint doctrine? Has he read any strategy, legislation, or joint doctrine? Has he ever helped write a defense budget? Has he ever read a defense budget? Has he ever been in a room with a printed-out copy of a defense budget? How about a room with part of a defense budget displayed on a monitor, even someone else’s monitor? Does he have thoughts on each service's priorities for force design over the next four years? Does he have thoughts on at least the Army's? Has he ever been in a joint environment? Can he look at someone in a Navy uniform and tell you their rank? What are his thoughts on the greatest successes and failures of previous SECDEFs? Does he understand the powers and responsibilities of the SECDEF? Can he name any former SECDEFs? Does he know what SECDEF stands for?"
Branch paused to take a second drink of water.
"Has he ever collected political donations from conservatives and spent the money on holiday parties for his family or hired relatives and used donor money to pay them a six-figure salary? What's the story with his tattoos? Does he foresee any difficulties publicly maintaining extremist beliefs in a Department of Defense drawn from across the entire nation rather than the small echo chamber he's used to? Does he have experience with crisis comms? How does he tend to react to public criticism? Is he concerned that he will immediately see a reduction of millions of dollars in total career earnings and is unlikely to ever return to the media after the Trump administration except as a guest? Is he prepared to deal with the greater public scrutiny of being a cabinet-level official compared to being a partisan media personality? In combination with the tremendous loss of money, is he at all worried that the stress of the greater scrutiny will end his third marriage? How did his other two marriages end? From which novelty company did he buy his pocket squares, American flag-lined suit jacket, heavily embroidered cowboy tuxedo, and camouflage necktie? Does he also have a novelty tie that's just a giant fish, piano keys, or something?"
Branch then picked up a large stack of printed slides and placed it on the table before him.
"So, as you can see," Branch concluded. “Obviously, there are a lot of serious issues with Pete Hegseth that could completely blindside future Secretary Pete Hegseth, but we're going to use all the resources of the world's largest and most complicated bureaucracy to ensure he gets a proper brief and isn't caught flat-footed by any issue, no matter how obscure."
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