My husband lied about his hardcore porn habit and it’s ruining our sex life

DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband lied about watching hardcore porn and now it’s ruining our sex life. 

Whenever we try to be intimate, I see the images he viewed in my head, and it makes me feel sick. 

I’m 52 and he’s 54. We’ve been married for 25 years and have two grown-up children.

He always denied he liked watching porn, even accusing me of paranoia, but I never believed him.

Then I changed the settings on our laptop, and managed to view his history.

He’d been watching awful, perverted films, which involve hurting people, every day for years. I was horrified, and felt betrayed.

When I confronted him with my evidence, he begged for forgiveness. He said he couldn’t help himself and hid his problem because he felt so ashamed. 

He’s promised he’s stopped, and I think I believe him. I know he does love me.

We’re trying to rebuild our marriage, but I can’t forget what I saw.

Every time we start having sex, I remember what he liked watching – and what he would really like to do – and I have to stop.

Please help.

DEIDRE SAYS: Pornography can be extremely addictive and is designed to make viewers watch extremely hardcore material.

Your husband may need help to quit his porn habit. Encourage him to look at the Pivotal Recovery Programme  (pivotalrecovery.org), a recovery programme. 

My support pack, Upset By Pornography, should help you both.

It will take time to rebuild trust. If intimacy continues to be a problem, sex and relationship counselling could help. COSRT (cosrt.org.uk) can help connect you to a reputable therapist.