My ex caught me having sex with another man on my security camera

DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex saw me having sex with a one night stand using the camera security system he’d installed as a favour to me.

I was completely unaware that he was watching me, until he turned up the next morning and got very upset with me. 

Originally, I was grateful for his help setting up the system, but now I feel really uncomfortable. 

He said he’d received an alert on his phone and checked it by chance, but I can’t help but worry he’s keeping an eye.

He insists he hasn’t been watching and that was a one off but the whole experience has really unsettled me.

I’m 36, my ex is 39, and we were together for eight years before we broke up five months ago.

Our split was mutual and amicable, and we decided to remain friends.

We still met up and sometimes even had sex but as we didn’t discuss what this meant, I thought we were simply friends with benefits. 

I really appreciated still having him in my life. 

When I was moving house, he offered to help, knowing how useless I am at DIY. 

He helped put up shelves and installed security cameras and set them up online so I could view them through an app. I knew he had access to it, while he set it up but assumed he’d log out. 

So when I brought a man home, I didn’t think twice. 

Now I feel mortified. He says he didn’t mean to breach my privacy, but I feel so conflicted.

DEIDRE SAYS: Watching you have sex with another man was a huge breach of your privacy, and you shouldn’t take it lightly. 

As a priority please ensure that you are the only one with access to your security system. Make sure you’re the primary account holder and change your password so that he doesn’t have access. 

It’s completely understandable that this experience has made you question the sort of person he is.

Unless you decide you can trust him completely, you would be wise to stay away.

At the very least, it’s clear that the lines are blurred between you and your ex, and some boundaries need to be re-established. 

As for your relationship with him, you need to decide if there’s any hope of a future together. 

If you decide there’s not, it would be best to step away so you can both move on. My support pack Moving On will help.