The ‘Agatha All Along’ Witches Ranked By How Likely I’d Join Their Coven

With Agatha All Along likely coming back for a Season 2, the show is officially ranked among the most iconic of the MCU television landscape. It has twists, tears, and thrills, and its final reveals are well worth the wait. It’s also funny, and that’s thanks to its hilarious supporting cast which includes no less than Aubrey Plaza and Patti LuPone. Even as the cast slowly whittles down, you get the sense that these women feel genuine warmth toward each other, both on and off camera. That means that we’re obligated to rank them by fabulosity.

7. Debra Jo Rupp as Sharon Davis

I’m sorry, Mrs. Davis. You never belonged on that Road, and no one ever remembered your name. Part of me wondered at one time if you were truly a witch. But then you did that cringey dance during the “Witches’ Road” song and I immediately knew that you were about to die. Thanks for the laughs, though. You were truly iconic in how Boomery you were. A true witch, however, you were not, and for that reason you are ranked last.

6. Aubrey Plaza as Death/Rio Vidal

You were not a true witch, either, even though you did a great job of faking us out. And if only you weren’t so embittered about your failed relationship with Agatha, you could even be a chill hang! However, while I’d love to cast a sinister deterioration hex on my Republican neighbors with you, I’m afraid that you might eternally damn my soul to hell afterwards. For that reason, you are relegated to second-to-last place. 

5. Ali Ahn as Alice Wu-Gulliver

You had the most tragic story of them all, Alice. Just when you’d regained your powers and freed yourself of that generational curse, you died. You had one glorious moment of liberated joy, just to have it, as Kelly Rowland would say, stole. (Cue music: “Alice has got the same size hands as Elpheba from Oz…”) That’s the only reason I’m not ranking you higher: we hardly knew thee! On the other hand, you freed yourself of that curse on your own (the Road was never real), and that’s inspirational af, betch.

4. Kathryn Hahn as Agatha Harkness

Honestly, Agatha should be last. Sure, she saved Billy at the end, but that doesn’t excuse the hundreds if not thousands of witches that she coldheartedly murdered during her lifetime. Adding her to my coven would be self-destructive af, and my therapist told me to be less self-destructive! Nevertheless, Agatha is a witty, sassy riot, and I bet I could convince her not to kill me. After all, she has a soft spot for sardonic, faintly femme queer men (me).

3. Joe Locke as Billy Maximoff née William Kaplan

While I loved having some queer representation on Agatha, I also feel that Billy would form an unhealthy attachment towards me, as he did with Agatha. I wouldn’t be able to handle always having that fanboy energy around me. I can barely handle having a boyfriend.

2. Sasheer Zamata as Jennifer “Jen” Kale

As Jen, Sasheer Zamata was the true heroine of this series. Though cynical, depressive and judgmental at first, she gradually regained her confidence and compassion, and ultimately emerged as AAA’s kind queen. Plus, I have been rooting for Sasheer Zamata to make a comeback ever since she was underused by SNL. I’ve always loved her expressiveness and comedic timing, and I’m glad that AAA used it to great effect.

1. Patti LuPone as Lilia Calderu

I mean, hello, she’s Patti LuPone! I was afraid she’d just become a kooky side betch prone to unexplained outbursts, but then Miss Lilia floored us all with her incredible, heroic sacrifice at the end of Episode 7. That episode, “Death’s Hand in Mine,” made full use of Patti LuPone, by the way, although it would have been nice to hear her sing. Anyway, I have no doubt that Lilia would be an integral part of my coven. Just look at how she took the other witches under her warty wing and emerged as the true Protector Witch of the coven. I could engage in any number of sketchy activities, and she would still be there, healing my wounds and magically curing my STIs. My DMs are open, Lilia!