Senator Tuberville puts hold on Veterans Day
WASHINGTON — Reinvigorating his defense of the unborn that stopped most forward progress in the Department of Defense for the better part of a year, Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) announced today he would place a hold on Veterans Day until the Pentagon eliminates an abortion policy allowing service members stationed in states stuck in 1957 the time and financial means to travel to states where abortion remains legal. Tuberville says his stance is not only morally correct but is also a means of solving a military personnel crisis.
“There are more than 600,000 abortions a year in America! Let these poor, innocent little lives be saved so that they can permanently meet our military manpower needs, and in less than 20 years, we can send them to die in defense of the greatest Christian country on earth!”
He added: “Dadgummit, how can we as a nation find the strength to rise up in the fourth quarter when we find ourselves two touchdowns behind if ever’ camo-wearing woman is out abortin’ babies? This is precisely why we don’t let girls play football!” Tuberville said to an approving audience of menopausal women and paunchy, balding men well past their sexual prime.
“Nothing signals the death of a nation like not having enough people to serve in the military! l learned that from my Dad, an actual veteran, which makes me veteran adjacent and as fully qualified to comment on these matters as I am on uterine issues.”
Broadening his assault on “Pentagon Wokeism,” Tuberville also proposed cutting funding for soldiers guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier until Congress provides a new monument called the Tomb to the Unborn Soldier. He also demanded a study to determine how many majors the Salvation Army commissions each year and if it’s worth his time to fuck up their program as well.
Tuberville’s legislative move caught several communities throughout the country off guard. Having begun preparations for festivals, parades, and speeches in honor of fallen service members, many have now placed those plans on hold. Alabama is not exempt.
Mayor Curtis Wayne Plantagenent of Auburn, Alabama, admitted he didn’t know how to proceed since he wants to support “Tubs,” but his Veteran’s Day parade receives no federal funding.
“The Auburn Volunteer Fire Department does operate a pumper truck housed on a former 1962 three-quarter ton weapons carrier we received from the Alabama Army National Guard. Maybe I should relocate Miss Eufaula 2024 to the fifth-wheel trailer sponsored by Swadley’s Funeral Home?”
Carl Otis Owen III is a proud retiree who is a taxpayer burden.