DoD: Mass shootings negatively impact recruiting quotas
THE PENTAGON — Despite lower-than-average annual numbers of mass shootings in the United States this year, the Department of Defense is warning that such events still have significant implications on military recruitment.
“The military is missing more targets than a blind Hezbollah zealot when it comes to recruiting,” Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin said, hair visibly graying. “Looking at gun violence in the U.S., there is a clear impact on our ability to boost our numbers.”
Austin may be on to something. According to the Pew Research Center, gun deaths among children and teens have been rising since 2021. And according to defense officials, many could have been future soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen.
“Honestly, that is the biggest tragedy,” said Navy recruiter and Tiktok dance sensation Petty Officer 2nd Class Drea Avila soberly. “I mean, yes, someone dying in general is sad, but this is coming at the expense of our manning goals.”
“Last month, I had to do the ‘Apple’ dance to a Charli xcx song to make a quota,” Avila recalled, ruefully. “Between the shooters and the victims, a huge chunk of potential recruits get thrown out the window like a critic of the Russian government.”
Staff Sgt. Nazareno Ascolino, a Marine recruiter, underscored Avila’s concerns.
“Every Marine is a rifleman,” He explained. “Couldn’t the weirdos just hold off until they were 18 and walk into my office and let me give them a gun, but, like, in a safe way, while also hitting my quarterlies?”
Ascolino then punched a wall and broke his computer keyboard over his right knee in frustration.
“Another downside of all the school shootings is that the kids who survive complain about PTSD and mental health issues,” Ascolino continued while breathing in raggedly, eyes slightly tearful from rage. “Whah whah whah! I have PTSD, but do I let it affect me? No way! It is time that these kids do what I have been doing for years — shove those bad thoughts down and don’t get disqualified due to psych issues.”
It is unclear how the DoD can definitively improve overall recruiting numbers, but many have made a compelling argument that gun violence is a factor. However, it seems that gun violence, much like murders at Fort Cavazos or warships crashing into merchant vessels, is a harsh reality that cannot be resolved.
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass.