How Tinder Helped My Daughter Show Me Who She Really Is

In our home, we’ve always had open discussions about all the things. And from sexuality, to being a vegetarian, to going (or not going) to college, I’ve always let my kids take the lead on these subjects and decide what’s best for them. I’m here for backup, and I constantly remind them I will always accept and respect their choices, and what other people think shouldn’t be considered when making their big life decisions. That’s all I can do, then hope that they hear me.

With my daughter, I was pretty sure she heard me and that she felt safe with all of her choices, but it was hard to tell. She’s a very shy introvert, and it’s difficult for her to talk about her feelings. Instead, she shuts down. She’s struggled with learning disabilities and social anxiety. I discovered very early on that pushing her to be someone different or to “come out of her shell” was the worst thing I could do. This is who she is, and I’ve had to put myself in her shoes and ask how I’d like to be treated … and take hints from her.

So when she got on Tinder when she turned 18 and wanted to show me some of her matches, I knew this was her way of opening up and letting me into her world. I’d asked her about her love life a few times — it was obvious she was talking to some people and going on dates — but she never said much. I wondered if it was because she wasn’t meeting the right person, or maybe she just thought it was weird to talk to your mom about dating. Even though we talk about everything else — friendships, work, clothes, hormones; you name it, we’ve talked about it — she’d always been a little closed off about romantic relationships and I wasn’t sure why.

I soon found out there was more to the story.

We were sitting in the car after going to the gym together and she started swiping through her matches which were people who identified as male and female. She’d never mentioned before that she was interested in women and has even had a few (very short term) boyfriends. Instead of telling me she liked women too, she was silently swiping, and I knew it was her way of making sure I saw she was interested in women and men without having to come out and say it.

Like I mentioned, talking about her feelings isn’t easy, and it certainly doesn’t come naturally to her. And even though we have a close relationship, telling me she was bisexual wasn’t something she wanted to do, or I think she would have told me a long time ago.

Instead of reacting or saying, “Oh, I didn’t know you liked women, too” I asked her who she was talking to and if she liked any of them. She answered, telling me she was talking to one woman and one guy and she liked them both, and the relief in her voice was palpable.

I told her that was great, and if she wanted to, she could keep me posted. Then, we went about our day. I realized my daughter would not sit me down and announce she was bisexual. She didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but she wanted me to know. I so appreciated and valued that, because it means she feels comfortable and trusts me.

A few months later, she started dating a woman (not anyone she met online, but an old friend) and they’ve been together for almost a year. My daughter is happier and more confident than I’ve ever seen her.

Other than me reminding her that whoever she decides to be with is always fine with me, and that I just want her to be happy and always bring them home to family events and gatherings, we haven’t had any discussions about the fact that she’s in a same-sex relationship. In fact, it’s pretty insignificant.

I’ve never been upset that she didn’t make a big production out of announcing her sexuality or feel like she had to explain herself, because she absolutely doesn’t. This is her choice — it’s her life — and she didn’t even have to tell me. But she did, in her own way, when she wanted to. And I think that’s exactly how it should be.

Sexuality is an incredibly personal thing, and my daughter didn’t owe me a thing. Not an explanation, not a long, drawn out discussion. She just wants to be herself and handle things her own way. And because she feels comfortable being true to herself during not only this, but every situation in life, I know I’ve done my job as a parent.

These celeb parents are so proud of their LGBTQ kids.