It’s been months since I split from my anxious ex and I’m still not over her
DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex-girlfriend’s anxiety really damaged our relationship but it’s four months since we split and I’m still not over her.
When we met she was in a long term relationship and had a child.
But we fell hard for each other and after an intense affair she and her child moved straight in with me.
I’m 33 and she’s 34.
That’s when I started to see her erratic behaviour for the first time.
She wanted to stay out late with friends and would come home really drunk.
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The day after she’d be so hungover she wouldn’t be able to look after her son and I’d end up doing everything with him.
She would spend months depressed, and then she would accuse me of not making enough effort with her, or abandoning her.
It used to upset me so much because the truth was that I was completely smitten with her, but I found it so hard when she was low.
I know she didn’t have a happy childhood and when her mum left her dad, she was only 11.
She said she felt that neither her mum, nor her dad, really wanted her then and she used to spend most of her time alone.
Her childhood was very lonely as she lived in the countryside and was an only child.
We broke up after I told her she needed to cut back on her drinking.
She became furious and told me that she wouldn’t allow me to control her and no one would ever tell her how to behave.
She refused to admit she had a drinking problem.
I tried to get through to her but she had made up her mind we were over.
Then she moved in with friends that very evening.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your ex had little choice but to become self-sufficient and independent from a very young age.
Now she doesn’t want to be seen as depending on others and is struggling to open up.
Rather than face up to her issues, she is pushing you away, as if you are an affront to her ability to cope.
She accuses you of trying to control her to distract from the challenges she has, and I’m afraid that unless she can confront her drinking problem and learn to lean on you, then you really don’t have much of a future together.
I’m sorry, but if she is adamant you are over, then there is very little you can do.
My support pack Moving On will help.