Since I sent out rules for visiting my baby, my family won’t speak to me

DEAR DEIDRE: EVER since I sent out rules for visiting my baby, my family has stopped speaking to me.

I’ve had a lot of losses and a very difficult pregnancy, so I need to feel safe. I thought my mum and sister would understand, but instead they’re making me feel like a terrible person.

I’m 35 and my husband is 37. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant.

Having a baby is all I’ve ever dreamed of, but it’s been a hard journey, with IVF and several miscarriages.

Now the birth is imminent, I need to feel in control and prepared, as I’m an anxious person.

So, having seen something similar online, I wrote a set of visitor rules. 

They say things like: no drinking before you visit; only I am allowed to feed my baby; they shouldn’t bring toys without checking I approve; and no blue or pink clothes. 

My husband’s family accepted the rules, without any problem. My close friends did too.

But my family has been giving me the silent treatment.

When I went round to see my mum, she was furious, saying she’d brought up three kids unscathed, and my list was insulting.

My sister said I’ve turned into a control freak and will spoil my baby if I behave like this. 

I just want them to respect my boundaries.

Is that too much to ask? Or am I in the wrong?

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s natural to be anxious when having your first baby, especially after previous losses.

Your family should be more sensitive and respectful to your needs.

Perhaps they’re worried about you and think your anxiety is taking over. 

They may also be upset because they’re excited about your new baby coming too, and feel they won’t be able to enjoy spending time with it, in the way they imagined.

And they might feel your rules mean you don’t trust them.

Talk to them and explain how you feel – they may not have linked these conditions with your fertility challenges and miscarriages.

Once you spell out how nervous you are about this baby, they may be able to empathise better with you. 

Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) can advise on how best to talk to them.

Fears that something will go wrong are common after miscarriage. See my Miscarriage support pack for sources of help.