Comedian Slams Restaurants Serving 'Artisanal' Ketchup

Anyone who has ever ordered a burger at a gastropub or upscale restaurant is most likely familiar with this scenario. Your server comes to the table with your meal, but to your disappointment, you spy not a bottle of ketchup, but a stainless steel condiment cup on the side of the plate with something vaguely ketchup-looking. However, it's clear that the color and texture seem off. 

If artisanal ketchup is the bane of your existence, be reassured that you're not the only one. In the latest episode of Kareem Rahma's Subway Takes web series, Rahma spoke with comedian Paul Scheer to ask him what his "take" was.

"Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup," Scheer declared, to which the host responded: "100 percent agree, no craft ketchup."

"Heinz has perfected it, we don't need your mango chutney ketchup," Scheer continued. "I just want the sugar, I want the taste of Heinz." Nodding his head enthusiastically, Rahma said, "Preach brother."

Pivoting to a related grievance, Scheer also noted that if restaurants are going to be serving a burger, fries should not be extra. "That's a twofer for me," he said. Interjecting Rahma ranted: "If I go to a place and the burger doesn't say 'burger and fries,' you have to buy the burger for $8—actually, $18, New York City—plus another $7 for fries? And then they bring out the artisanal ketchup?"

"You're wrecking the experience, I don't even enjoy the fries, and the fries are the best part. And then you're going to give me, what, a little carafe like this big," Scheer said, holding his fingers an inch apart. "Like, don't treat me like a f--king animal."

The pair then expressed sympathy for the poor restaurant employees who are presumably in the kitchen "crushing tomatoes" to make the from-scratch ketchup. "Is that what ketchup's made of?" Rahma asked, to which Scheer exclaimed, "I don't know how you make it, but—I don't think anyone knows! That's why it's so bad! The Heinz factory has figured out something that no one can duplicate."

However, they were a bit more at odds when it came to craft mayonnaise, with Scheer saying that it doesn't bother him too much. "100 percent disagree, I want Hellmann's," Rahma fired back.

"I'm gonna give you a more controversial take, I like Miracle Whip," Scheer said. "Oh, Miracle Whip's disgusting! Oh my god," Rahma exclaimed incredulously, adding: "Get off the show."