I started dating months after my husband, 31 died & got married within a year – I felt so guilty, but it was so right
HOLDING her dying husband’s hand in his final days, Kirsten Clawson struggled to imagine finding love like theirs again.
But 13 months after Cody took his last breath, Kirsten, 45, was married again with a brand new family after her late husband ‘found one who needed her’.
Kirsten was devastated when she lost Cody, 43, to leukaemia in December 2020 after medical trials and chemotherapy couldn’t save his life.
But in those last days of his life her husband of four years made her a touching promise and Kirsten says it’s thank to him she’s found happiness again.
“I asked Cody what he wanted my future to look like, and whether he wanted me to marry again,” recalls Kirsten.
“Now I had to think of a future without him.
“He looked at me, and he whispered yes, then added ‘I’m going to get to the other side and find a family that needs you’.”
Days after their conversation, Cody took his last breath leaving Kirsten a widow at 43.
She promised to keep his daughters, 19 and 17, in her life. Having not been able to have her own children she had grown to love both of them like her own.
She admits that the loss left her a shell of her former self.
“I couldn’t face the painful reminders in the home we shared, so I moved back to my parents for a few months,” she says.
“I lived my life on autopilot. Everything seemed bleak without Cody.’
It was only a local facebook group for young widows and widowers which brought comfort to Kirsten.
“It was refreshing to talk to those who understood me,” she remembers.
‘In September 2021 I chatted to another widow Brittney.
“She had recently started dating. Cody had been gone ten months, so I had thought it was too soon for me.”
Kirsten then recalled the conversation she’d had with Cody leading up to his death and joined a dating app.
Just the following day Kirsten, from Utah, USA, had her first match, someone who looked rather familiar.
“His name was Jason and I instantly recognised him,” Kirsten says.
“He was a member of the same Facebook group and I had seen his posts.”
Kirsten remembered being touched by the ‘sunshine baskets’ Jason had made with his sons to help with the loss of their mum.
“They filled them with cookies and flowers and kindly delivered them to others who’d been bereaved, it was a lovely idea,” she says.
“What were the chances we’d meet online? It had to be a sign, so I messaged him.”
After a few days of messaging back and forth Jason called Kirsten.
She recalls: “We talked about Cody and his wife Valerie, who had died of cancer aged 40, also after a nine month battle, just like Cody had.”
Over the following months they talked for hours and finally arranged to have a first date.
“I was still nervous as I made my way to our first date at a Thai restaurant, until I saw Jason,” says Kirsten.
I did battle with guilt, like I was betraying Cody. But I reminded myself it’s what he wanted for me.”
Kirsten Clawson
“He had the biggest smile and the friendliest face.
“As we chatted, he was so calm and comforting – we had an instant connection.”
Kirsten says Jason talked proudly about his sons Boston, then 14, and Cooper, eight.
After their first date together, the couple soon became an item but Kirsten admits she felt like she was ‘betraying’ Cody.
“We fell for each other pretty quickly,” she says.
“I did battle with guilt, like I was betraying Cody. But I reminded myself it’s what he wanted for me.”
Neither Cody’s daughters or Jason’s sons had any issue with the couple’s blossoming romance.
“I met Jason’s sons too, who were lovely,” she says.
“The boys were delighted for us as were Cody’s girls.”
Just a month after meeting Jason’s boys, Jason proposed and the news was welcomed by the kids.
“One of Cody’s girls screamed down the phone in delight to us when we broke the news,” she says.
“They told me that I’d made Cody so happy, and now I needed to make someone else happy too, which was so lovely to hear.
“It meant the world to have their blessing.”
Where to seek grief support
Need professional help with grief?
- Child Bereavement UK Childbereavementuk.org
- Cruse Bereavement Cruse.org.uk
- Relate Relate.org.uk
- The Good Grief Trust Thegoodgrieftrust.org
- You can also always speak to your GP if you’re struggling.
You’re Not Alone
Check out these books, podcasts and apps that all expertly navigate grief…
- Griefcast: Cariad Lloyd interviews comedians on this award-winning podcast.
- The Madness Of Grief by Rev Richard Coles (£9.99, W&N): The Strictly fave writes movingly on losing his husband David to alcoholism.
- Terrible, Thanks For Asking: Podcast host Nora McInerny encourages non-celebs to share how they’re really feeling.
- Good Mourning by Sally Douglas and Imogen Carn (£14.99, Murdoch Books): A guide for people who’ve suffered sudden loss, like the authors who both lost their mums.
- Grief Works: Download this for daily meditations and expert tips.
- How To Grieve Like A Champ by Lianna Champ (£3.99, Red Door Press): A book for improving your relationship with death.
In January 2022, thirteen months after Kirsten said a final goodbye to her first husband, she wed Jason surrounded by all their family and friends.
And any doubts she’d felt initially about betraying Cody disappeared.
“As I thought back to my wedding to Cody I smiled knowing I had his blessing and he’d be so happy for me,” Kirsten says.
“I moved in with Jason and the boys after our honeymoon in Hawaii.”
A few months later, Kirsten discovered she was pregnant.
She says; “‘I’d been told I was pre menopausal when I was 30, so I never thought I’d be a mum, and I then went on to suffer two very early miscarriages.
“So when I fell pregnant with Maisie it was such a shock.
“I couldn’t believe it, but I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test.
“We were both thrilled.”
Their daughter Maisie was born in December 2022, which Kirsten says ‘healed their hearts’.
When Maisie was a few months old Kirsten took her to Cody’s graveside.
“One of the things he told me before he died was that he’d find me a family,” says Kirsten.
“And he did – he certainly delivered on his promise. I’ll always love Cody and Jason will always love Valerie. But we know they are looking over us, happy that we are happy.
“Our family is truly a gift sent straight from heaven.”