Pope Francis Excommunicates All Of World’s Catholics So He Can Have Quiet Weekend Alone

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the world’s Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. “It’s just been so long since I could take a few days to myself without worrying about shepherding the souls of all the planet’s true believers,” said the Supreme Pontiff, who after issuing the papal bull De studio relaxationis—which bars all 1.39 billion of his followers from receiving sacraments or participating in official church services—poured himself a glass of sacramental wine and stretched out on a sofa in the Apostolic Palace. “Even just expelling all the cardinals from the Vatican has been such a huge weight off my shoulders. It’s so serene around here without all the crowds of people asking me to bless them or wash their feet. Honestly, I should have done this shit years ago.” At press time, the pope had issued an additional decree extending the excommunications through the month so he could come back feeling fully refocused and revitalized.

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